i still feel happy when i’m with my friends and i still laugh at their jokes, but i constantly worry that they secretly hate me, i never feel accepted, i feel like a nuisance or an inconvenience. I don’t have the same amount of energy i used to; when i come home from school i feel drained, and i sometimes snap at my parents because of it; sometimes in class my eyes start to well up and i get the overwhelming need to cry; but i cant, i just have to hold back the tears and hope no one notices; luckily no one ever does. i think i feel so tired because i have to pretend to be such a happy and cheerful person for hours, i keep a smile plastered on my face, when i never mean it. I don’t know how to explain it, its like i have rocks in my stomach and i have to carry them around all day and it weighs me down. i hate who i see in the mirror, i wish i was prettier, skinnier… better; i compare myself to every girl i see and i know that’s not healthy but i cant help but do it. when my family try to talk to me i get irritated or frustrated really quickly and i don’t think they understand why.
the first time i cut myself it was an accident, but it felt nice; i went home and found a sharpener and took the blade out and cut my wrist more, from then on i was addicted. it felt so good to be able to release all of the awful feelings i had inside; when i cut myself by accident i felt all of the relief at once as i had been feeling really rubbish for a while. i never cut very deep because i don’t want it to leave a permanent mark and if my parents were to see them they would freak out; so i cut just deep enough for it to bleed; i can go for a while without cutting; right now i’m about a month clean, but if past repeats itself, in a few days i will snap for no reason and have maybe 30 or 40 shallow cuts on the top of my thigh.i always feel bad a few days later but the relieve outweighs the guilt so i keep doing it. people say that self harm is for attention but for me its far from it, i keep my scars as hidden as possible and make sure i can cover them with make up if i need to; if a person is willing to harm themselves for attention, then you should probably give them the attention as there is probably an underlying mental health issue. i will not lie, i have had thoughts of suicide but i try not to dwell on them.
at the moment i think i might be doing better, i haven’t been feeling great but i haven’t been feeling like shit either, so i guess that’s a step in the right direction. i know i will probably relapse or start to feel low again but for now i’m not going to worry about that and just enjoy feeling a bit better. i have been thinking about going to my GP and talking about depression and seeing if there’s anything i can do to try and fully recover.
for anyone dealing with depression or any mental health issue, i know everyone says it but stay strong, everything may be bleak at the moment but one day things will be brighter; if you want to talk about anything i will be here for you.
if you know anyone dealing with anything like this, just be there for them, i think that’s the best thing anyone can do; don’t pressure them into telling you anything, listen to what they say, give the best advice you can and if you cant give any, just give them a hug.
thank you for reading
The small quiet one 🙂