*This post may be triggering to some*
I hurt myself today, I haven’t done it in a quite a while, I don’t even know why I did it; nothing particularly bad has happened recently, but I desperately needed to feel something, something to replace the numbness that I have been drowning in. I don’t think I’m always numb, I think I do feel happy when I’m laughing with my friends and my mind is distracted by the random chatter of my friends; that’s why I’m not sure if I’m actually depressed, because I do have moments where I feel better. The problem is when I’m alone, and all I can think about are my flaws, everything I did wrong that day, how much I hate myself.
The fact that I don’t even know why I do this to myself, terrifys me, my cuts are never particularly deep, and to be honesty, they will probably not leave permanent scars; but I’m still hurting myself on purpose, because I want to. And I just want this all to go away, I want stop feeling this way, and I want to stop feeling so much relief and sick joy from watching little lines on my thigh turn red and watch little bubbles of blood gathering.
I don’t know why I feel like this. I have such a lovely life, I have loving parents, I have a roof over my head and there’s always food in the house; I have been blessed with so many extra luxuries; and so many people arent as lucky as I am. I don’t think my life is the issue, my problem is that I loath myself, I hate that my thighs are so big and that my stomach isn’t flat, I hate that my grades are never as high as I would like them to be, I hate that I’m stubborn, I hate that I’m clingy, I hate that I’m a lot to handle, I hate that I’m so ungrateful for everything that I have. I can feel my friends getting annoyed with me for being so clingy, but I get so insecure so easily and I’m always terrified that they will replace me when someone better comes along, and I’m an idiot because I will never say this to any of them, I will never tell them how I really feel, because I am incapable of talking to people about my feelings.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless and lost. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know how.
Thank you for reading
The small quiet one X