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If only it were easy

Hi guys

*This post may be triggering to some*

I hurt myself today, I haven’t done it in a quite a while, I don’t even know why I did it; nothing particularly bad has happened recently, but I desperately needed to feel something, something to replace the numbness that I have been drowning in. I don’t think I’m always numb, I think I do feel happy when I’m laughing with my friends and my mind is distracted by the random chatter of my friends; that’s why I’m not sure if I’m actually depressed, because I do have moments where I feel better. The problem is when I’m alone, and all I can think about are my flaws, everything I did wrong that day, how much I hate myself. 

The fact that I don’t even know why I do this to myself, terrifys me, my cuts are never particularly deep, and to be honesty, they will probably not leave permanent scars; but I’m still hurting myself on purpose, because I want to. And I just want this all to go away, I want stop feeling this way, and I want to stop feeling so much relief and sick joy from watching little lines on my thigh turn red and watch little bubbles of blood gathering.

I don’t know why I feel like this. I have such a lovely life, I have loving parents, I have a roof over my head and there’s always food in the house; I have been blessed with so many extra luxuries; and so many people arent as lucky as I am. I don’t think my life is the issue, my problem is that I loath myself, I hate that my thighs are so big and that my stomach isn’t flat, I hate that my grades are never as high as I would like them to be, I hate that I’m stubborn, I hate that I’m clingy, I hate that I’m a lot to handle, I hate that I’m so ungrateful for everything that I have. I can feel my friends getting annoyed with me for being so clingy, but I get so insecure so easily and I’m always terrified that they will replace me when someone better comes along, and I’m an idiot because I will never say this to any of them, I will never tell them how I really feel, because I am incapable of talking to people about my feelings. 

I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless and lost. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know how.

Thank you for reading 

The small quiet one X

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16 thoughts on “If only it were easy

  1. There are so many people here to support you, which is such an uplifting thing to see 🙂 The depth of your cuts are not important-they don’t define how much you’re struggling-and anyone with any experience of self harm will know that. And sometimes a person can have everything in the world but still be deeply unhappy in life-there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re not the only one that feels like this. I know it’s ten times easier said than done, but please try not to buy into all this body image crap-because even the models in the magazines do not really look like the models in the magazines-so much of it has been photoshopped, and the pressure that young women are under these days is ridiculous. I can tell that you have a good heart from the way that you write and the things that you say-you seem to be very caring and also very self-aware. And remember, a good heart will take you far. From one teenager to another, I’m here anytime you need me 🙂 x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I am so surprised by the amount of people on here who have commented such lovely and helpful things. I am trying my best to get better, and comments like this really help me to keep
      going. You seem like such a sweet and wonderful person and I can’t explain to you how much your comment means to me. Same goes for you, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’ll be here xx

      Like

  2. RiasBlog says:

    I have never been in your situation, so I can’t say how youre feeling. What I do know, is that nobody deserves to feel like you do. My friend was a self harmer for many years, and when she told someone, well that was the first step to ending this destructive addiction. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t easy, but she is so much happier and told me that the things she hated about her life, didn’t really matter to her anymore. I believe that you can stop, I really do, if you try to push these negative feelings away from you.
    And regarding hating yourself, I can honestly say that every friend I have says they feel gross in their own skin, but this is just our minds. Of course we’re not perfect as we are only human, and our brain has a cruel way of only looking at our imperfections. But the way other people see your imperfections, usually makes them like you more.
    If you concentrate on your best points, you’ll see a talented blogger along with other things.

    I’m sorry if I didn’t make sense in whatever I just wrote, but at least it came from the heart ♥

    I’m here for you xxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. I am trying to get better and I really do want to, and one day I hope I am able to completely move on. Your comment means so much to me, and it’s really nice to be reminded that even complete strangers care. Your message is lovely, and you must be a wonderful person. Thank you again ❤️ xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Luna says:

    I haven’t had these kinf of experiences before but please do talk to someone. Ask for help and tell them how you’re feeling so they can help you out. So many people care about you and you’re a beautiful, strong person. xo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. There is nothing wrong with you. I’ve never been like this before so I can’t say that I know what you’re feeling, but please, please, before resorting to hurting your beautiful self, talk to someone. They can help you feel yourself again. That you don’t need to cut yourself because you hate yourself.
    And your friends care about you as well. Tell them what you are going through because they will help you.
    Please don’t hate yourself. You’re a beautiful, wonderful person, and everything about you is amazing. Yes, everything. I’m just stating the truth here – you are amazing and brave.
    (I’m not quite sure if that helped, but hopefully it did. If you need anyone to talk to, you can always, always, talk to me.)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. first thing is you should stop hurting yourself. i know its hard to stop because every time you do it, you feel like it’s right but it’s actually not. I have a friend who also self-harms herself because she claims that she has a horrible life but honestly, i think you guys are perfectly fine the way you are. Who cares if your thighs and stomach are not as slim as others, you should be happy with the way you are. Some people out there would wish to be you so cheer up. If you’re friends don’t understand you when you tell them then they don’t deserve to be your friends.

    Liked by 2 people

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