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It’s been a bad day

Hi guys,

Today has definitely not been the best.

*possible trigger warning*

I had a lady out today to check my horses back, she’s dropped a lot of weight in the past 2/3 weeks, so her saddle really isn’t fitting her right and it’s been making her very uncomfortable. She told me that there is some concussion on her spine from where the saddle has been hitting, she also said Belle had a lot of other soreness across her back and shoulders. This lady (i’m going to call her Ann from now on) has seen Belle before, once around a year and a half ago, and once two and a half years ago, she is really nice, and i really trust what she has to say; she said that Belle looks much better than she did when we rescued her, but for having been almost three years, her back is still lacking muscle, earlier in the year she did have quite a bit more, but the sudden weight loss seems to have really reduced her top line. The weight loss may have been caused by her Cushings disease, she only has it very mildly and she is on medication for it, but it’s still a possibility.

Ann also told me that my trainer, despite being very good with the beginning phases of training, isn’t very good at the later stages, which is what i am currently doing with Belle. I have noticed that Belle and my progress has slowed down dramatically for around the last year, but i really like my instructor, and i would hate to stop having lessons with her; but we just don’t seem to be advancing anymore. The lady who owns the livery where Belle is kept, also started talking to Ann and they both started to complain about my instructor and i was just caught in the middle; i didn’t know what to say, as they were making valid points, and maybe it is time for me and Belle to try a different trainer to carry on improving, but it just made me really uncomfortable. Ann took one look at Belle and told me that i couldn’t keep riding her until she has put on enough weight and that i would then need to get her saddle refitted; just yesterday i had a lesson, and my trainer didn’t notice the state of Belle’s back; maybe i should have, but i didn’t realise how bad it was.

I feel like iv’e really failed as an owner, i’m meant to be looking after Belle, and i am to the best of my ability, but maybe i’m just not good enough. I’m so angry at myself for not taking better care of her. I’m also really upset about the whole trainer situation; i think i might start trying to find a new dressage instructor to work with, as i think it will probably be for the best. I just want to cry, Belle is my world, and she has helped me through so much, she gives me something to look forward to everyday, and a lot of the time, knowing that Belle is relying on me to come and look after her, feed her etc… has stopped me doing some pretty serious things. I don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to upset any one involved with Belle. While i was at the stables with Ann and the yard owner i was holding back tears the whole time, because i just felt, and still feel so useless. When i got home, i stopped feeling like i was going to cry, and now the thoughts of hurting myself are back. I think this whole situation has been made worse by the fact that i’m so stressed with revision at the moment. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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5 thoughts on “It’s been a bad day

  1. Ninja Girl says:

    Hey there, I think I might understand a bit of what you are going through. I have a horse as well – a 14hh pony named Loki. He was also a rescue. Sometimes I feel pretty overwhelmed and like I have let him down. Like I’m not a very good trainer, and like he had probably so much potential that sometimes I am the wrong person to work with him — like what do I think I am doing?
    There are good times too, though, and sharing a connection with a horse is seriously an indescribable experience, ya know?
    Maybe for Belle, the best thing would be to take a break from riding her and focus on exercises that will strengthen her back. (There are exercises like that, right? maybe I don’t know what I am talking about, lol) If you and Belle need a new instructor so that you can move your skill up, there is nothing wrong with that. It’s not your instructor’s fault exactly, and the whole process of finding a new instructor that better fits your needs can be really pleasant for everyone. I had an instructor who was super nice and great, but she wasn’t what Loki and I needed. It was difficult for me to explain what I felt to my parents and my version of your Ann, and made me so frustrated. Sometimes I would come away from my lessons with angry tears in my eyes and feeling so effing helpless.
    Every time you close a door, a new one opens. Remember that and stay strong. You are awesome.
    Ninja Girl xx

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    • Thank you, I’m sure your a great owner; Loki is very lucky to have you, and you are lucky to have him. There are lots of good times will Belle, but recently they’ve been few and far apart, especially with her ridden work. While I’m not going to be riding for the next few weeks, I’m going to focus on long reigning and pole work with Belle to help bring back the muscle across her back, her feed has also been increased. I am probably going to get a new instructor, as I think it’s what’s best for me and Belle to keep improving. I’m just worried about upsetting people, or making the wrong decision again. Thank you again! Xxxx

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