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Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

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A few sparse thoughts 

Hello wonderful people!

It’s been quite a while! I know that’s pretty much how all my posts start, sorry 😂

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you will know that one of my super close friends moved away two and a half years ago, she now lives around 5 hours away from me and I miss her very much. But in a strange way I feel as though it was for the best; she’s been able to do so much more music related stuff since moving since her schools took it so much more seriously than mine, and music really is her passion so I guess in that sense it’s worked out really well. But at the same time I would give anything to be just be able to see her everyday like I used to; yet I also feel like this has made me appreciate our friendship so much more, I know that this is a friendship that matters and is going to last because we’re still close despite the miles between us. Me, Tiz and Butt Crack are a little trio, and it always makes me laugh how whenever we manage to visit each other and we are all reunited again, it instantly feels like nothing has changed, even though our group chat may be dead for days at a time when we’re all busy with school work and stuff, none of that seems to make a difference. It was her birthday recently and me and Butt Crack have sent her a packag with some cute little gifts, she’s coming to visit for a weekend soon and we’re going to visit winter wonderland in London which I am soooooo excited for! I’ve never been to winter wonderland before, but it looks amazing! And being with my two best friends means it’s going to be truly memorable. 

I’ve had a really nice week away from school, but it’s now Saturday night and oh my god am I dreading going back to school on Monday. Because I’m the queen of procrastination I’ve obviously left the vast majority of my homework until tomorrow, clearly not a smart move. I’ve also got a biology test on Monday so that’s not looking great. I think I’ve just completely stopped feeling stress, or I’ve at least become immune to it, maybe I’ve been desensitised. Who knows.

Since school is so shit at the moment and doesn’t really show any signs of letting up I’ve already started planning what I want to do in summer 2017. At the moment the top priority is music festivals, since I had such a good time at V-fest. Ebony has invited me and Butt Crack to Reading festival with her and a group of her friends from her new college, I’ve met them before and they are all really nice, so I really hope I can go! Twenty one pilots did reading festival this year so I’m really hoping they do next year! I also really want  to go to V-festival again, it was such a good festival and the line up was so good, festivals are just so much fun! It is also currently only 22 days until I see Melanie Martinez in concert again, I can’t wait, last time I went to see her, me and Butt Crack almost got crushed, so hopefully this time it will be a bit more enjoyable (there’s a whole post about it somewhere). Concerts honestly are my favoutite thing, it’s like a whole nother level of escapism and I love it so much.

I’ve been listening to lots of music lately and I have to recommend Anne-Marie to everyone, I absolutely love the song alarm and she’s recently done a new song with clean bandit and Sean Paul called rockabye and she sounds so good!!

Sorry this post is so disjointed, I really wanted to write but I’m also really tired. This also hasn’t been proof read so if some parts may not make any sense 😄 I promise a better post will be coming soon, I’ve got lots of emotions at the moment so I’m sure that will make for a slightly better post.

Thank you for reading! 

The small quiet one X

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Sad & busy bee

Hello! 

I know it’s been a while but sixth form is super demanding at the moment and I’m still trying to get to grips with it I guess. 

It’s been hard, I’ve been feeling like crap. But hopefully soon I’ll get into a routine and I’ll start to feel a bit happier. On the plus side my classes are all with nice people and my teachers all all nice and relatively good. There’s just so much to keep up with, we get a lot more independent work, which was expected, it’s just not letting it stack up. I can’t really afford to procrastinate anymore. I feel like I haven’t actually been relaxed since school started back again, and i think that’s what making me feel so unhappy and trapped. 

Recently the whole depression things seems to be making a bit of a comeback and that’s really scary, because I really thought I was going to okay. I’ve been through years of self harm and self hatred and i thought I had really gotten over it, that the thoughts of hurting myself wouldn’t come back. But they have. And boy have they come back with a bang. I’ve been trying to make a bit of a joke of it with Butt Crack, but I think she knows that when I say ‘oh my god I want to die’ there’s a bit of truth. I know that suicide isn’t the best option and I’m not planning on it, but most of the time i would just rather not exist. I don’t want to die, I want to not exist. 

And I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just spoiled and whatever, I know I am lucky, I have supportive parents and everything I could ever need and much much more. I know I have a great life and I’m unbelievably lucky; it’s me and my brain that’s the problem. I hate myself. I wish I was different in so many ways. I wish I was nicer, friendlier, more outgoing, prettier, slimmer, more tolerant… Happier. I want to be a better person, but I don’t know what I can do to change myself, there’s so much I want to change. Obviously with all this recently I’ve been wanting to hurt myself, but to be quite honest I’ve been to busy, I don’t have time to hurt myself, and I guess in a way that’s a good thing; because I know that if I start again, it’s going to make me feel worse in the long run and it’s going to be incredibly hard to stop. And I don’t want to have to be paranoid if I wear shorts in case they rise a bit and expose scars, I don’t want to avoid going swimming when I go on holiday at Christmas, I can’t risk my mum seeing.  

I really don’t know how often I’m going to be posting, but please be patient with me. I miss blogging so much and I’m really sorry that i keep disappearing.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Sixth form!

Hey!

So i went back to school on Tuesday for my first day of sixth form, it wasn’t too bad since all we did was enroll and confirm our subjects. I waited in the sixth form common room with Butt Crack for an hour and a half, just for our head of sixth form to tell me there was no need for me to wait as she was fine with me doing four subjects at A-level. My school has changed the way A-levels run now, instead of taking 4 subjects for AS and 3 for A2 we are no longer allowed to drop a subject and we sit all our exams at the end of the two years. Because of this, they aren’t too keen on letting people take 4 A-levels as you can’t drop one at the end of the first year. Since i wanted to do 4 (biology, chemistry, geography and Spanish) i had to get it approved, luckily for me i already speak fluent Spanish so I’m technically only doing three and a half A-levels- if that.

On our enrollment day we were given an induction task for each of the subjects that we have chosen to do, we then had Wednesday and Friday off to complete them. On the Thursday we went to an outdoor activity center to do team building activities. In the morning of the Thursday we also found out our form groups for the next two years; I’m pretty happy with my form, although i was really hoping to be with Butt Crack; but i do have Jess who i have been pretty good friends with for a while now, we went to see Ed Sheeran together and are planning on going to the next tour, as well as possibly a music festival next summer. There are also a few other girls and boys that i get along with, luckily there isn’t anyone i have a dislike towards, so it should be a pretty good two years!

To be quite honest the majority of the day was quite boring as my school did the same activity day in year 7 and year 9, so we all knew how to figure out the majority of the puzzles they had set up. The only thing i did actually find really fun was a pole activity, which i have never done before; basically there was a telephone pole height wooden pole with a (very) small wooden platform on top; in groups of four we had to climb the pole and get onto the platform and then hold hands and lean back at the top to balance ourselves as the pole moved a lot. Since I’m the smallest, it was decided i would go last as i would need the least amount of space to get on and stand. Jess went first even though she was really scared, but I’m very proud of her. A girl called Pip went up next, she got super close to the top before she asked to come down as she got really scared, Liv went next and she got to the top really quickly, but since we were only a group of 3 now, one of the boys volunteered to go up before me to be our third person, i have to mention that he has a very ‘rugby player’ type physique so he is very broad and tall. I was the last up, the pole was swaying so much i swear i thought it was going to break, but i made it to the top and with a lot of help from Joe (Rugby player dude) i managed to get onto the platform. We were all grabbing each other for dear life because there was absolutely no room on the platform, we then had to get into a corner each to do the ‘hold hands & lean back’ thing. We sort of managed, before Jess slipped and took Liv with her, because of the sudden movement me and Joe went flying off the other end, because we were all harnessed up and stuff we were all just swinging in the air, this lead to Joe swinging into me as i was being lowered and me accidentally groping his butt to avid getting tangled. Despite being super nervous to begin with, as I’m not really a big fan of heights, it was actually a lot of fun.

We then finished off the day with a classic egg drop competition, which we didn’t do too well in  (R.I.P Eggward), and then the reveal of the winning forms as we had been earning points all day in each of the different activities; my form came 3rd so we were all pretty pleased.

In other news, the song Alarm by Anne-Marie is so good!!!!!!! I’ve never even been cheated on but boy is it a tune. Go listen to it!!!!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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A story i purposely forgot to share

Hello!

So as you may know, i went away to Spain on holiday a month or so ago. I did to a post about my holiday, but i mostly focused on my relationship with my brother rather than any events that actually occurred. I’m no to sure why it took me so long to decided to share this with you guys, i guess I’m just quite embarrassed about it. But since i want this blog to be as open and truthful as possible, i have decided i want to tell you; now you guys must be thinking that something crazy went down, honestly don’t get your hopes up, i am a bland and boring person.

Okay so… While in Spain we had our dog with us as we drove, in the area we were staying there was only one beach that allowed you to take dogs on the beach. On one of our first days me and my mum were just chillin on the beach with our dog, i was listening to music and watching the sea; then these two guys started playing some ball game near by, i pretty easily just ignored them and carried on with my life. My mum on the other hand started poking me, so i took my headphone out and she told me that one of the guys kept looking over at me; i obviously brushed it off because I’m not exactly anything amazing to look at. We returned to the same beach for a few days and the same guy just kept appearing all over the damn place.

Around a week later i was going to walk to find a cafe to buy my mum and i a drink, just as i was leaving the beach the guy walked up to me and started talking to me. He was German, 18 and also on holiday, he walked with me up to a cafe which took like 20 minutes or so. His English was really good, while we walked we talked about school and stuff; me being me, i obviously felt suffocatingly awkward. Once we got back to the beach i just went to give my mum her drink, i foolishly assumed the guy would leave me alone as what 18 year old wants to meet some random girls mum; but boy was i wrong, he just followed and struck up a conversation with my mum, i just stood to the side wishing for death. After like half and hour he realized he had to go, he asked for my phone number but i couldn’t remember it, so he asked me to put my name in his phone so he could add me on facebook.

He then messaged me that evening asking if i wanted to go out clubbing with him and his friends, as a 16 year old that absolutely hates crowds (unless its a good ass concert lol), i was pretty much desperate to not go, I managed to worm my way out in the end; but I’m really bad at making excuses and it always makes me feel really guilty to turn down people. He was pretty damn persistent though, so in the end i agreed to go to a beach cafe with him. Once the day came around i went, but he had invited his friend with him, so basically they chatted in German and i just sat awkwardly. I texted my mum on the way back to tell them we were leaving when i got back to the beach. Thankfully my mum came to save the day just as he was trying to convince me to go clubbing again. He then messaged me on facebook again, by this point i just wanted him to leave me alone.

He was a nice guy and i didn’t really mind him talking to me, it was just really awkward for me and i really wanted to enjoy my holiday without having to worry about boys and such. I also don’t appreciate being pressured to go clubbing, obviously he didn’t know about my anxiety and stuff, but still… he could have just respected the word ‘no’ and moved on.

In the end i just had to ignore his messages and delete the conversation on my facebook, because otherwise i would have felt guilty for ignoring him and i would have replied, and probably made the situation even worse for myself. I know this makes me sound really rude and awful, i just didn’t feel much towards him, he was a bit too overbearing for me and I’m not sure why but he just made me feel uncomfortable. After a while he left me alone and me and my mum went out and did other activities for a few day to avoid going back to the same beach. After that i only saw him once, but i don’t think he saw me. It still made me feel really guilty though, i really hope i didn’t offend him.

I think I’m just not good at letting new people in, it makes me feel… cornered? I think that’s the best word for it. I don’t like to say no to people as i hate myself if i offend or upset anyone, and because of this i feel like i can’t escape from these kinds of situations. I still feel like a really horrible person for cutting him off like it did, but i keep trying to remind myself that we only spoke a few times so it probably want a very big deal for him.

I think at the moment i have a bit too much going on in my head to deal with new relationships, but at the same time i feel like, with the right person i would be able to sort myself out enough. But personally i find it so much easier to let myself have feelings for people if I’ve known them for a long time. Like with Bob for example (Features in this post), when he asked me out it was too soon for me, i felt something for him at the time, but i just wasn’t enough. Now a days me and Bob are good friends and I’m much more comfortable around him. However because of this i feel like its going to be quite a while before i get into a relationship, i guess in a way i need to ‘friend zone’ a guy for a while, so i can un-muddle my thoughts and sort my emotions out, before i can handle things getting more serious.

Anyway it was nice to get this off of my chest, i think i really needed to talk about this, its been making me feel really guilty for a while now, hopefully now that its out in the open i can start to move on.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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