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He has risen

Hey!!!

This is just a quick lil post to say…

ED SHEERAN IS BACK IN BUISNESS AND I DONT THINK IVE FET JOY LIKE THIS IN YEARS. 

Is it gonna be called subtract or divide or is all of this social media stuff just to distract and then it’s not even gonna be maths related. Is he releasing a single or album on Friday… NOBODY KNOWS BUT IM SO DAMN EXCITED. 

I AM HYPED

ohhhhhh boy oh boy oh boy, my friends must be dreading this because they knowwwww the new song or album or whatever he releases is going to be all I talk about for at least 6 months. 

What a great start to 2017.

I hope you all had a lovely festive period and I hope 2017 is an amazing year for you all!! 

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.S. I know I’ve been awful at posting, sorry! I don’t think I’ll ever really have a posting schedule as I’m always pretty busy, but I will try to post more often! 

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Forgive meeeeee

Hello!

It been a while! (that seems to be how all my posts start, sorry!) As always, iv’e been busy studying and i simply haven’t had time to write a post. Iv’e missed blogging a lot and iv’e also missed reading everyone’s posts.

Since i last posted quite a bit has happened!

I went to see Melanie Martinez in concert last month, she was absolutely amazing and me and my friends didn’t get almost crushed to death like the last time, which made the whole experience even more brilliant.

Tiz also came to visit me and Butt Crack in London, the day didn’t really go as planned, but we still had an amazing day!

Me and Butt Crack had planned to go to the Lazy Oaf sample sale in the morning (Lazy Oaf is a really cute, independent clothing store in London, their stuff is pretty expensive, so we wanted to hit up the yearly sale) since Tiz wasn’t arriving in London until around 1:30. The sale was taking place a pretty long tube ride away from the center but we made it in the end, only to find ourselves faced by an enormous line to get in, so sadly we had to abandon and just go and meet Tiz and we wouldn’t have enough time. Once we met up with Tiz and exchanged some very tight hugs and “Iv’e missed you so much”es we headed to a vegan cafe we had found which do really big, extravagant (and somehow vegan) milkshakes, however we found it was absolutely bursting when we go there, so that was another plan that had to be abandoned. We then headed to Oxford Street and Regents Street to look at the Christmas lights and displays, and they definitely didn’t disappoint! Everywhere looked absolutely stunning and all the shops were so pretty! By the time we were all done looking around the shops, we decided to head to Winter Wonderland which is a massive Christmas fair, trust us to choose the busiest time to turn up, apparently winter wonderland is buzzing at 7:30 pm because the line was absolutely enormous, so yet again, we abandoned that plan and ended up chatting and laughing our heads off in a Starbucks. We then got the train back to my house and both Tiz and Butt Crack spent the night. Then very sadly Tiz had to head back home on the Sunday morning as she lives so bloody far away!

Although our plans didn’t really work out, we still had the most wonderful time; to be honest i could be doing anything with those two girls and we would still have a great time. I never really realise how much i miss her, but when i was finally able to hug her after not seeing her for like 8 months, oh boy was i close to tears.

The night before all that fun stuff, my friend Ellie was having a get together/very mini house party. Since she has moved to another college, some of her new friends were there as well as Butt Crack and a few people who also used to be at my school and also moved. All of her friends were really lovely. There was alcohol around and some people did end up getting pretty drunk, i personally haven’t ever drunk a lot, but i did have a bit, however the idea of not being in control is pretty scary for me, so iv’e never let myself get super drunk. It was a really fun night, and i managed to find out about whose seeing who and whose ‘talking to’ who, which is always interesting!

In other news, the mental health situation has been pretty odd lately, i have days where i feel like iv’e got everything under control and then i have days where i feel like everything is falling apart. Iv’e lost virtually all motivation but then i also get super worried and i make myself stressed because iv’e got so much to do and yet i just can’t bring myself to do it. Iv’e gotten to the point where i open my eyes in the morning and all i can think is ‘i cannot wait to get back into bed later’, although i’m sure a lot of people can relate to that feeling!

I’m really sorry i haven’t been posting, i promise i will try to post a bit more often, my Christmas holiday is coming up so hopefully i’ll have a bit more time then!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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My insecurities in pictures 

Hello!

This post is incredibly personal but I also feel as though it it very necessary. There are some parts that may be triggering so please read with caution. 

Through blogging you get to know people, and you get to know them very well because most people share things over their blog that they wouldn’t share in their day to day life. I write posts that are far far far more personal and deep than anything I will ever tell my closest friends. However whenever I imagine what all of those lovely bloggers look like, it seems so easy to forget that they have flaws and imperfections too, because when you imagine what someone looks like you rarely add on those little things that make everyone so different from one another. 

As someone who is very shy and also has always had a lot of issues with my appearance this post has been very scary to make, but I have decided that it is so important that I’m going to but my own fears aside. In this post are pictures of parts of myself that I am insecure about or things that I conciser flaws in myself (please excuse the underwear that is visible in some). I feel like I need to share these, because it’s so easy to get wrapped up in self hatred through feeling as though everyone else is perfect, even though perfection doesn’t really exist. I’m hoping that this will help at least one person come to terms with their appearance just a little bit more.

The two bellow pictures are of my right and left upper thighs, they both have old scars on them.

I have also included a picture of my entire thighs because they are my biggest insecurity. I hate my legs. I feel as though they are too big and I have always wished for a ‘thigh gap’.

This is a patch of darker skin above my belly button, I have no idea where it came from or why it’s there, but I really don’t like it.

These are some stretch marks on the inside of my thigh, I was so upset and ashamed when I noticed them. 

I’ve always hated this odd spot thing on the side of my neck and it always makes me hate wearing tops that have low neck lines.

My hands are another big insecurity, i hate how short and stumpy my fingers are.

My hair, as much as I like the length and colour, it’s really thin and lacks volume, I’m always scared I’m going bald as there isn’t much of it.

This is an area of spot on my shoulder, they make me feels really self conscious if I’m wearing anything with thin straps or if I’m in a swimming costume.

I’ve never really liked my stomach, but my big issue at the moment is my waist/hips, I really wish I had a more defined waist or wider hips.

All of the images above are perfectly normal, and the only reason I actually want to change any of them is really because of the media and the idea that the only way to be beautiful is to look like the models in magazines. I really wish I found it easier to ignore those images and just love my body as it is, but it’s not that easy; we all deal with our insecurities, and they may not ever go away, but maybe learning to accept them will help me become at least a little bit happier with myself. I really hope these pictures will be of some use, I just really want to help normalise these aspects of the human body and hopefully in the future they won’t have to be considered flaws any more. 

I really hope this post hasn’t upset or offended anyone as that is certainly not my intention, but if I have please let me know and I will make any changes as soon as I can. 

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

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A few sparse thoughts 

Hello wonderful people!

It’s been quite a while! I know that’s pretty much how all my posts start, sorry 😂

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you will know that one of my super close friends moved away two and a half years ago, she now lives around 5 hours away from me and I miss her very much. But in a strange way I feel as though it was for the best; she’s been able to do so much more music related stuff since moving since her schools took it so much more seriously than mine, and music really is her passion so I guess in that sense it’s worked out really well. But at the same time I would give anything to be just be able to see her everyday like I used to; yet I also feel like this has made me appreciate our friendship so much more, I know that this is a friendship that matters and is going to last because we’re still close despite the miles between us. Me, Tiz and Butt Crack are a little trio, and it always makes me laugh how whenever we manage to visit each other and we are all reunited again, it instantly feels like nothing has changed, even though our group chat may be dead for days at a time when we’re all busy with school work and stuff, none of that seems to make a difference. It was her birthday recently and me and Butt Crack have sent her a packag with some cute little gifts, she’s coming to visit for a weekend soon and we’re going to visit winter wonderland in London which I am soooooo excited for! I’ve never been to winter wonderland before, but it looks amazing! And being with my two best friends means it’s going to be truly memorable. 

I’ve had a really nice week away from school, but it’s now Saturday night and oh my god am I dreading going back to school on Monday. Because I’m the queen of procrastination I’ve obviously left the vast majority of my homework until tomorrow, clearly not a smart move. I’ve also got a biology test on Monday so that’s not looking great. I think I’ve just completely stopped feeling stress, or I’ve at least become immune to it, maybe I’ve been desensitised. Who knows.

Since school is so shit at the moment and doesn’t really show any signs of letting up I’ve already started planning what I want to do in summer 2017. At the moment the top priority is music festivals, since I had such a good time at V-fest. Ebony has invited me and Butt Crack to Reading festival with her and a group of her friends from her new college, I’ve met them before and they are all really nice, so I really hope I can go! Twenty one pilots did reading festival this year so I’m really hoping they do next year! I also really want  to go to V-festival again, it was such a good festival and the line up was so good, festivals are just so much fun! It is also currently only 22 days until I see Melanie Martinez in concert again, I can’t wait, last time I went to see her, me and Butt Crack almost got crushed, so hopefully this time it will be a bit more enjoyable (there’s a whole post about it somewhere). Concerts honestly are my favoutite thing, it’s like a whole nother level of escapism and I love it so much.

I’ve been listening to lots of music lately and I have to recommend Anne-Marie to everyone, I absolutely love the song alarm and she’s recently done a new song with clean bandit and Sean Paul called rockabye and she sounds so good!!

Sorry this post is so disjointed, I really wanted to write but I’m also really tired. This also hasn’t been proof read so if some parts may not make any sense 😄 I promise a better post will be coming soon, I’ve got lots of emotions at the moment so I’m sure that will make for a slightly better post.

Thank you for reading! 

The small quiet one X

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Sad & busy bee

Hello! 

I know it’s been a while but sixth form is super demanding at the moment and I’m still trying to get to grips with it I guess. 

It’s been hard, I’ve been feeling like crap. But hopefully soon I’ll get into a routine and I’ll start to feel a bit happier. On the plus side my classes are all with nice people and my teachers all all nice and relatively good. There’s just so much to keep up with, we get a lot more independent work, which was expected, it’s just not letting it stack up. I can’t really afford to procrastinate anymore. I feel like I haven’t actually been relaxed since school started back again, and i think that’s what making me feel so unhappy and trapped. 

Recently the whole depression things seems to be making a bit of a comeback and that’s really scary, because I really thought I was going to okay. I’ve been through years of self harm and self hatred and i thought I had really gotten over it, that the thoughts of hurting myself wouldn’t come back. But they have. And boy have they come back with a bang. I’ve been trying to make a bit of a joke of it with Butt Crack, but I think she knows that when I say ‘oh my god I want to die’ there’s a bit of truth. I know that suicide isn’t the best option and I’m not planning on it, but most of the time i would just rather not exist. I don’t want to die, I want to not exist. 

And I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just spoiled and whatever, I know I am lucky, I have supportive parents and everything I could ever need and much much more. I know I have a great life and I’m unbelievably lucky; it’s me and my brain that’s the problem. I hate myself. I wish I was different in so many ways. I wish I was nicer, friendlier, more outgoing, prettier, slimmer, more tolerant… Happier. I want to be a better person, but I don’t know what I can do to change myself, there’s so much I want to change. Obviously with all this recently I’ve been wanting to hurt myself, but to be quite honest I’ve been to busy, I don’t have time to hurt myself, and I guess in a way that’s a good thing; because I know that if I start again, it’s going to make me feel worse in the long run and it’s going to be incredibly hard to stop. And I don’t want to have to be paranoid if I wear shorts in case they rise a bit and expose scars, I don’t want to avoid going swimming when I go on holiday at Christmas, I can’t risk my mum seeing.  

I really don’t know how often I’m going to be posting, but please be patient with me. I miss blogging so much and I’m really sorry that i keep disappearing.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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