Uncategorized

Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

A story i purposely forgot to share

Hello!

So as you may know, i went away to Spain on holiday a month or so ago. I did to a post about my holiday, but i mostly focused on my relationship with my brother rather than any events that actually occurred. I’m no to sure why it took me so long to decided to share this with you guys, i guess I’m just quite embarrassed about it. But since i want this blog to be as open and truthful as possible, i have decided i want to tell you; now you guys must be thinking that something crazy went down, honestly don’t get your hopes up, i am a bland and boring person.

Okay so… While in Spain we had our dog with us as we drove, in the area we were staying there was only one beach that allowed you to take dogs on the beach. On one of our first days me and my mum were just chillin on the beach with our dog, i was listening to music and watching the sea; then these two guys started playing some ball game near by, i pretty easily just ignored them and carried on with my life. My mum on the other hand started poking me, so i took my headphone out and she told me that one of the guys kept looking over at me; i obviously brushed it off because I’m not exactly anything amazing to look at. We returned to the same beach for a few days and the same guy just kept appearing all over the damn place.

Around a week later i was going to walk to find a cafe to buy my mum and i a drink, just as i was leaving the beach the guy walked up to me and started talking to me. He was German, 18 and also on holiday, he walked with me up to a cafe which took like 20 minutes or so. His English was really good, while we walked we talked about school and stuff; me being me, i obviously felt suffocatingly awkward. Once we got back to the beach i just went to give my mum her drink, i foolishly assumed the guy would leave me alone as what 18 year old wants to meet some random girls mum; but boy was i wrong, he just followed and struck up a conversation with my mum, i just stood to the side wishing for death. After like half and hour he realized he had to go, he asked for my phone number but i couldn’t remember it, so he asked me to put my name in his phone so he could add me on facebook.

He then messaged me that evening asking if i wanted to go out clubbing with him and his friends, as a 16 year old that absolutely hates crowds (unless its a good ass concert lol), i was pretty much desperate to not go, I managed to worm my way out in the end; but I’m really bad at making excuses and it always makes me feel really guilty to turn down people. He was pretty damn persistent though, so in the end i agreed to go to a beach cafe with him. Once the day came around i went, but he had invited his friend with him, so basically they chatted in German and i just sat awkwardly. I texted my mum on the way back to tell them we were leaving when i got back to the beach. Thankfully my mum came to save the day just as he was trying to convince me to go clubbing again. He then messaged me on facebook again, by this point i just wanted him to leave me alone.

He was a nice guy and i didn’t really mind him talking to me, it was just really awkward for me and i really wanted to enjoy my holiday without having to worry about boys and such. I also don’t appreciate being pressured to go clubbing, obviously he didn’t know about my anxiety and stuff, but still… he could have just respected the word ‘no’ and moved on.

In the end i just had to ignore his messages and delete the conversation on my facebook, because otherwise i would have felt guilty for ignoring him and i would have replied, and probably made the situation even worse for myself. I know this makes me sound really rude and awful, i just didn’t feel much towards him, he was a bit too overbearing for me and I’m not sure why but he just made me feel uncomfortable. After a while he left me alone and me and my mum went out and did other activities for a few day to avoid going back to the same beach. After that i only saw him once, but i don’t think he saw me. It still made me feel really guilty though, i really hope i didn’t offend him.

I think I’m just not good at letting new people in, it makes me feel… cornered? I think that’s the best word for it. I don’t like to say no to people as i hate myself if i offend or upset anyone, and because of this i feel like i can’t escape from these kinds of situations. I still feel like a really horrible person for cutting him off like it did, but i keep trying to remind myself that we only spoke a few times so it probably want a very big deal for him.

I think at the moment i have a bit too much going on in my head to deal with new relationships, but at the same time i feel like, with the right person i would be able to sort myself out enough. But personally i find it so much easier to let myself have feelings for people if I’ve known them for a long time. Like with Bob for example (Features in this post), when he asked me out it was too soon for me, i felt something for him at the time, but i just wasn’t enough. Now a days me and Bob are good friends and I’m much more comfortable around him. However because of this i feel like its going to be quite a while before i get into a relationship, i guess in a way i need to ‘friend zone’ a guy for a while, so i can un-muddle my thoughts and sort my emotions out, before i can handle things getting more serious.

Anyway it was nice to get this off of my chest, i think i really needed to talk about this, its been making me feel really guilty for a while now, hopefully now that its out in the open i can start to move on.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Melanie Martinez and a lil update

Hey guys!

Its been a while!

As I mentioned in my last post, i went to see Melanie Martinez in concert a few weeks ago, me and butt face/hole (i don’t remember what her name is anymore) being the obsessive fans we are, woke up at 5.15 in the morning to get the 6.30 train into London, to be at the venue for around 8am. Please take into consideration that doors didn’t open until 7 pm. We were second in line behind a group of girls who had arrived at 6 in the morning to start lining up. Sadly since i live a bit further away from London its pretty impossible for me to have gotten there any earlier. Me and butt face/hole took the first train that we could. We spent all 9 hours in the line, laughing and eating really, we were pretty well prepared, we took blankets with us to put on the floor and to keep us warm because its England.

So the venue (o2 forum Kentish town) was a bit of a mess, not gonna lie, they were super disorganized and kept telling us that there was no o2 priority line (all you need is an O2 sim card and you and two extras get let in before general admissions, and since my friend is on o2 we were planning to make the best of it). So we chilled at the front of the general line all day. Then… half an hour before doors, an o2 priority line magically appeared, by this time me and butt face/hole were buddies with the group in front of us, and they asked one of the venue staff why people were being put into a priority line now, when there was hundreds of priority people who had been told there wasn’t a priority line and were sent to line up in general. The guy told us that the priority line was for people who were arriving at the time (half a fucking hour before doors), we were all super frustrated because why on earth should people arriving half an hour before doors be allowed in before people who had been waiting since 6 in the morning! The staff at the venue were very rude and unhelpful and refused to help us and explain what was happening because we were being ‘mouthy’, personally i wasn’t really saying anything, i was just trying not to cry out of pure frustration; and i didn’t think the  girls were being rude at all; we just wanted to understand the situation and why it was happening.

Anyway… all that kerfuffle aside, we were finally let in, luckily at the same time as priority, not after, and me and butt hole/face were in the second row behind the barrier. Sadly the girls behind us were determined to get to the front and started kicking me and my friend in the back of the leg, i also clearly heard one of them say ‘if we annoy them enough they will get out of our way’, when water was being passed along just before Melanie came out, one of the girls tipped one of the cups of water down my back, and later on did the same down the back of my leg. Luckily me and butt face/hole managed to move/be shoved away from them.

When Melanie came out everyone went mental including myself and butt face/hole. during the first few songs everyone was pushing and shoving so me and butt face/hole ended up a few rows further back, but it was a bit more chilled and enjoyable from further back so it wasn’t really a bad thing. Melanie was incredible and her staging was really cool and me and butt face/hole had an amazing time.

When we were leaving i overheard a lady who had been in the balcony sitting say that she had seen three people be pulled out of the audience because they were being crushed. It was definitely the most intense concert I’ve been to, which i didn’t really expect. But i still have a great time regardless, i just hope the people who got pulled out are okay.

I’m also super excited because i got tickets to Saturday V-fest, which means I’ll be seeing Troye Sivan and Halsey again, and Sia is also performing which im super excited about! Me and Butt face/hole also got tickets to see Melanie Martinez again in November, and its at a completely different venue, which i am happy about! hopefully we will be able to enjoy the whole concert this time!

In other news, I’ve only got 7 exams left! I cannot wait to be finished with my GCSE’s and enjoy a really fun and long summer.

Basically the moral of this post it: don’t got to o2 forum Kentish town for concerts: the staff are rude and its badly organised. Its the same venue i went to see Troye Sivan at, and that was also poorly organised and the staff were really rude to my friend.

Hopefully I’ll be doing much more blogging over summer, when i have absolutely nothing to revise for 🙂

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Ps. I will leave the link to some videos I took from Melanie Martinez here:

Standard
Uncategorized

It’s been a bad day

Hi guys,

Today has definitely not been the best.

*possible trigger warning*

I had a lady out today to check my horses back, she’s dropped a lot of weight in the past 2/3 weeks, so her saddle really isn’t fitting her right and it’s been making her very uncomfortable. She told me that there is some concussion on her spine from where the saddle has been hitting, she also said Belle had a lot of other soreness across her back and shoulders. This lady (i’m going to call her Ann from now on) has seen Belle before, once around a year and a half ago, and once two and a half years ago, she is really nice, and i really trust what she has to say; she said that Belle looks much better than she did when we rescued her, but for having been almost three years, her back is still lacking muscle, earlier in the year she did have quite a bit more, but the sudden weight loss seems to have really reduced her top line. The weight loss may have been caused by her Cushings disease, she only has it very mildly and she is on medication for it, but it’s still a possibility.

Ann also told me that my trainer, despite being very good with the beginning phases of training, isn’t very good at the later stages, which is what i am currently doing with Belle. I have noticed that Belle and my progress has slowed down dramatically for around the last year, but i really like my instructor, and i would hate to stop having lessons with her; but we just don’t seem to be advancing anymore. The lady who owns the livery where Belle is kept, also started talking to Ann and they both started to complain about my instructor and i was just caught in the middle; i didn’t know what to say, as they were making valid points, and maybe it is time for me and Belle to try a different trainer to carry on improving, but it just made me really uncomfortable. Ann took one look at Belle and told me that i couldn’t keep riding her until she has put on enough weight and that i would then need to get her saddle refitted; just yesterday i had a lesson, and my trainer didn’t notice the state of Belle’s back; maybe i should have, but i didn’t realise how bad it was.

I feel like iv’e really failed as an owner, i’m meant to be looking after Belle, and i am to the best of my ability, but maybe i’m just not good enough. I’m so angry at myself for not taking better care of her. I’m also really upset about the whole trainer situation; i think i might start trying to find a new dressage instructor to work with, as i think it will probably be for the best. I just want to cry, Belle is my world, and she has helped me through so much, she gives me something to look forward to everyday, and a lot of the time, knowing that Belle is relying on me to come and look after her, feed her etc… has stopped me doing some pretty serious things. I don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to upset any one involved with Belle. While i was at the stables with Ann and the yard owner i was holding back tears the whole time, because i just felt, and still feel so useless. When i got home, i stopped feeling like i was going to cry, and now the thoughts of hurting myself are back. I think this whole situation has been made worse by the fact that i’m so stressed with revision at the moment. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

life update

hello!

i haven’t done a general ramble in quite a while, so i thought it was probably about time!

School is going okay i guess, although i think iv’e become really intolerant and i keep getting really irritated with people, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I’m also really worried about GCSE’s at the moment because they aren’t really that far away, yet i cant seem to make myself start revising; i think iv’e been stressed for so long, that iv’e become numb to the feeling. i want to do well so badly, i just need to start working soon, otherwise i’m not going to get the grades i’m hoping for. Between all of the homework iv’e been receiving lately and looking after my horse, i think that me and Belle (one of my closest friends who moved away a year and a half ago) have drifted apart quite a lot; Belle, my other closest friend and I have a group chat, we used to talk on it all of the time but recently its just been the odd message here and there, that usually doesn’t get replied to for a while. I guess we are all so busy that there just isn’t time anymore. I’m really hoping that once all of this GCSE rubbish is over, that the chat will get used a lot more. To be honest, i doubt this is the end of our little trio because we are all really close and we will probably be visiting her over summer; i guess i’m still getting used to the fact that she isn’t near me anymore, and that she is just as busy as i am. As you can probably tell, i don’t deal with change very well.

with regards to my mental state, i have absolutely no idea if i’m depressed; sometimes i feel so down that it feels like it can’t be anything but depression; then other times i don’t feel anything at all, and then sometimes i feel pretty alright. It seems to just depend on the day. I don’t want to be one of those people who self-diagnose; the only way for me to know if i am clinically depressed is to go to my GP, but that is a terrifying thought. I’ve been searching on the internet about signs and symptoms, and to be completely honest i experience a lot of them on a day to day basis. I am always tired, i have lost interest in some of the things i used to love doing, i get irritated and frustrated easily, and i often feel like the world would be better off without me. I don’t know.

On a more cheerful note, it’s less than one month until i go to the Halsey concert! i really cant wait, and i know its going to be amazing!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Thoughtful friends

hi guys!

a while ago, whenever i was feeling low, my friend would always send me these quotes about the things i was dealing with and going through; they always helped me a lot, and it meant so much to me that she went through the trouble of finding them. In this post i have found a few of my favorites and hopefully some of you guys may like them, or find them helpful with whatever you may be going through.

img_6686

I really liked this one because it made me remember that i am not defined by my body and for a long time i have struggled with my appearance and body, and i still do; this photo was just a nice reminder that eased some of the pain. It also helped me to distance myself from my negative feelings and it also reminded me that my friends care more about my personality than the way i look.

img_6681

When my friend sent me this i thought it was so sweet of her, especially because i often care too much about silly things, and i let things get to me way more than i should. I take a lot of what people say to heart, even if it isn’t about me.

img_6685

She sent me this one day when we were talking over text and i was in a really bad place, i finally told her that i had been having thought of killing myself, i didn’t plan on doing it, but the thoughts were there. I remember that i felt so alone and useless and i felt as though everyone hated me and that there was no way anyone could ever like me, let alone love me; we talked for a long time, and she helped me a lot; this picture was really nice to have to look back on when the thoughts started to come back, as it was a good reminder that at least one person would care if i died.

img_6274

she sent me this one while i was having difficulty explaining why i started self harming to her, and she was really understanding and she didn’t pressure me to tell her the whole story or go into detail which was nice.

img_6683

again much like a few of the others, this one was a good reminder that there are people who care about me, and that some people really will stick with me through everything.

img_6682

She sent me this one and a few others at the same time, i just really liked it because i know a lot of people who i think deserve to be happier than they are; and it also reminded me of how lucky i am to have such a wonderful and caring friend, who just wants me to be my old self again.

img_6684

This one was really important for me, because i am always ashamed of the fact that i self harm, and i think that who ever i tell will instantly hate me, or think i’m crazy. I cant thank her enough for being there for me through the worst times, and being my friend, despite my baggage.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard