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Sad & busy bee

Hello! 

I know it’s been a while but sixth form is super demanding at the moment and I’m still trying to get to grips with it I guess. 

It’s been hard, I’ve been feeling like crap. But hopefully soon I’ll get into a routine and I’ll start to feel a bit happier. On the plus side my classes are all with nice people and my teachers all all nice and relatively good. There’s just so much to keep up with, we get a lot more independent work, which was expected, it’s just not letting it stack up. I can’t really afford to procrastinate anymore. I feel like I haven’t actually been relaxed since school started back again, and i think that’s what making me feel so unhappy and trapped. 

Recently the whole depression things seems to be making a bit of a comeback and that’s really scary, because I really thought I was going to okay. I’ve been through years of self harm and self hatred and i thought I had really gotten over it, that the thoughts of hurting myself wouldn’t come back. But they have. And boy have they come back with a bang. I’ve been trying to make a bit of a joke of it with Butt Crack, but I think she knows that when I say ‘oh my god I want to die’ there’s a bit of truth. I know that suicide isn’t the best option and I’m not planning on it, but most of the time i would just rather not exist. I don’t want to die, I want to not exist. 

And I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just spoiled and whatever, I know I am lucky, I have supportive parents and everything I could ever need and much much more. I know I have a great life and I’m unbelievably lucky; it’s me and my brain that’s the problem. I hate myself. I wish I was different in so many ways. I wish I was nicer, friendlier, more outgoing, prettier, slimmer, more tolerant… Happier. I want to be a better person, but I don’t know what I can do to change myself, there’s so much I want to change. Obviously with all this recently I’ve been wanting to hurt myself, but to be quite honest I’ve been to busy, I don’t have time to hurt myself, and I guess in a way that’s a good thing; because I know that if I start again, it’s going to make me feel worse in the long run and it’s going to be incredibly hard to stop. And I don’t want to have to be paranoid if I wear shorts in case they rise a bit and expose scars, I don’t want to avoid going swimming when I go on holiday at Christmas, I can’t risk my mum seeing.  

I really don’t know how often I’m going to be posting, but please be patient with me. I miss blogging so much and I’m really sorry that i keep disappearing.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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30 day blogging challenge

Hardest thing to forgive

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Hello lovely reader! It’s the 8th day of the 30 day blogging challenge, which is a post about the hardest thing iv’e had to forgive.

Luckily i haven’t really had to forgive many people, as i don’t think iv’e ever been in a really bad fight with anyone, and no one has done anything truly awful to me. However a few years ago, a girl in my year (Nia) who i had been really good friends with, but had fallen out with over probably something minor, told one of my really close friends (Millie) that i was self harming. Millie then confronted me about it because she had no idea, and i got really upset with Millie as it wasn’t for her to tell other people.

At first i though that Nia had told Millie out of spite since we were in an argument, but i wasn’t sure, as it just seemed very out of character for Nia, she then explained that she had no idea that Millie didn’t know, and she had assumed that Millie did know because we were so close and told each other everything. Nia also explained that she was also getting worried about me because i had seemed very distant in school. In hindsight i can understand why she told Millie, it was just hard for me to have such personal stuff revealed without my permission and without me being ready for others to know.

In the end i think it worked out for the best anyway, Millie was really supportive during the worst days, and me and Nia were able to work out our differences and go back to being good friends.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

 

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It’s been a bad day

Hi guys,

Today has definitely not been the best.

*possible trigger warning*

I had a lady out today to check my horses back, she’s dropped a lot of weight in the past 2/3 weeks, so her saddle really isn’t fitting her right and it’s been making her very uncomfortable. She told me that there is some concussion on her spine from where the saddle has been hitting, she also said Belle had a lot of other soreness across her back and shoulders. This lady (i’m going to call her Ann from now on) has seen Belle before, once around a year and a half ago, and once two and a half years ago, she is really nice, and i really trust what she has to say; she said that Belle looks much better than she did when we rescued her, but for having been almost three years, her back is still lacking muscle, earlier in the year she did have quite a bit more, but the sudden weight loss seems to have really reduced her top line. The weight loss may have been caused by her Cushings disease, she only has it very mildly and she is on medication for it, but it’s still a possibility.

Ann also told me that my trainer, despite being very good with the beginning phases of training, isn’t very good at the later stages, which is what i am currently doing with Belle. I have noticed that Belle and my progress has slowed down dramatically for around the last year, but i really like my instructor, and i would hate to stop having lessons with her; but we just don’t seem to be advancing anymore. The lady who owns the livery where Belle is kept, also started talking to Ann and they both started to complain about my instructor and i was just caught in the middle; i didn’t know what to say, as they were making valid points, and maybe it is time for me and Belle to try a different trainer to carry on improving, but it just made me really uncomfortable. Ann took one look at Belle and told me that i couldn’t keep riding her until she has put on enough weight and that i would then need to get her saddle refitted; just yesterday i had a lesson, and my trainer didn’t notice the state of Belle’s back; maybe i should have, but i didn’t realise how bad it was.

I feel like iv’e really failed as an owner, i’m meant to be looking after Belle, and i am to the best of my ability, but maybe i’m just not good enough. I’m so angry at myself for not taking better care of her. I’m also really upset about the whole trainer situation; i think i might start trying to find a new dressage instructor to work with, as i think it will probably be for the best. I just want to cry, Belle is my world, and she has helped me through so much, she gives me something to look forward to everyday, and a lot of the time, knowing that Belle is relying on me to come and look after her, feed her etc… has stopped me doing some pretty serious things. I don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to upset any one involved with Belle. While i was at the stables with Ann and the yard owner i was holding back tears the whole time, because i just felt, and still feel so useless. When i got home, i stopped feeling like i was going to cry, and now the thoughts of hurting myself are back. I think this whole situation has been made worse by the fact that i’m so stressed with revision at the moment. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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life update

hello!

i haven’t done a general ramble in quite a while, so i thought it was probably about time!

School is going okay i guess, although i think iv’e become really intolerant and i keep getting really irritated with people, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I’m also really worried about GCSE’s at the moment because they aren’t really that far away, yet i cant seem to make myself start revising; i think iv’e been stressed for so long, that iv’e become numb to the feeling. i want to do well so badly, i just need to start working soon, otherwise i’m not going to get the grades i’m hoping for. Between all of the homework iv’e been receiving lately and looking after my horse, i think that me and Belle (one of my closest friends who moved away a year and a half ago) have drifted apart quite a lot; Belle, my other closest friend and I have a group chat, we used to talk on it all of the time but recently its just been the odd message here and there, that usually doesn’t get replied to for a while. I guess we are all so busy that there just isn’t time anymore. I’m really hoping that once all of this GCSE rubbish is over, that the chat will get used a lot more. To be honest, i doubt this is the end of our little trio because we are all really close and we will probably be visiting her over summer; i guess i’m still getting used to the fact that she isn’t near me anymore, and that she is just as busy as i am. As you can probably tell, i don’t deal with change very well.

with regards to my mental state, i have absolutely no idea if i’m depressed; sometimes i feel so down that it feels like it can’t be anything but depression; then other times i don’t feel anything at all, and then sometimes i feel pretty alright. It seems to just depend on the day. I don’t want to be one of those people who self-diagnose; the only way for me to know if i am clinically depressed is to go to my GP, but that is a terrifying thought. I’ve been searching on the internet about signs and symptoms, and to be completely honest i experience a lot of them on a day to day basis. I am always tired, i have lost interest in some of the things i used to love doing, i get irritated and frustrated easily, and i often feel like the world would be better off without me. I don’t know.

On a more cheerful note, it’s less than one month until i go to the Halsey concert! i really cant wait, and i know its going to be amazing!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Thoughtful friends

hi guys!

a while ago, whenever i was feeling low, my friend would always send me these quotes about the things i was dealing with and going through; they always helped me a lot, and it meant so much to me that she went through the trouble of finding them. In this post i have found a few of my favorites and hopefully some of you guys may like them, or find them helpful with whatever you may be going through.

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I really liked this one because it made me remember that i am not defined by my body and for a long time i have struggled with my appearance and body, and i still do; this photo was just a nice reminder that eased some of the pain. It also helped me to distance myself from my negative feelings and it also reminded me that my friends care more about my personality than the way i look.

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When my friend sent me this i thought it was so sweet of her, especially because i often care too much about silly things, and i let things get to me way more than i should. I take a lot of what people say to heart, even if it isn’t about me.

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She sent me this one day when we were talking over text and i was in a really bad place, i finally told her that i had been having thought of killing myself, i didn’t plan on doing it, but the thoughts were there. I remember that i felt so alone and useless and i felt as though everyone hated me and that there was no way anyone could ever like me, let alone love me; we talked for a long time, and she helped me a lot; this picture was really nice to have to look back on when the thoughts started to come back, as it was a good reminder that at least one person would care if i died.

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she sent me this one while i was having difficulty explaining why i started self harming to her, and she was really understanding and she didn’t pressure me to tell her the whole story or go into detail which was nice.

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again much like a few of the others, this one was a good reminder that there are people who care about me, and that some people really will stick with me through everything.

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She sent me this one and a few others at the same time, i just really liked it because i know a lot of people who i think deserve to be happier than they are; and it also reminded me of how lucky i am to have such a wonderful and caring friend, who just wants me to be my old self again.

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This one was really important for me, because i am always ashamed of the fact that i self harm, and i think that who ever i tell will instantly hate me, or think i’m crazy. I cant thank her enough for being there for me through the worst times, and being my friend, despite my baggage.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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If only it were easy

Hi guys

*This post may be triggering to some*

I hurt myself today, I haven’t done it in a quite a while, I don’t even know why I did it; nothing particularly bad has happened recently, but I desperately needed to feel something, something to replace the numbness that I have been drowning in. I don’t think I’m always numb, I think I do feel happy when I’m laughing with my friends and my mind is distracted by the random chatter of my friends; that’s why I’m not sure if I’m actually depressed, because I do have moments where I feel better. The problem is when I’m alone, and all I can think about are my flaws, everything I did wrong that day, how much I hate myself. 

The fact that I don’t even know why I do this to myself, terrifys me, my cuts are never particularly deep, and to be honesty, they will probably not leave permanent scars; but I’m still hurting myself on purpose, because I want to. And I just want this all to go away, I want stop feeling this way, and I want to stop feeling so much relief and sick joy from watching little lines on my thigh turn red and watch little bubbles of blood gathering.

I don’t know why I feel like this. I have such a lovely life, I have loving parents, I have a roof over my head and there’s always food in the house; I have been blessed with so many extra luxuries; and so many people arent as lucky as I am. I don’t think my life is the issue, my problem is that I loath myself, I hate that my thighs are so big and that my stomach isn’t flat, I hate that my grades are never as high as I would like them to be, I hate that I’m stubborn, I hate that I’m clingy, I hate that I’m a lot to handle, I hate that I’m so ungrateful for everything that I have. I can feel my friends getting annoyed with me for being so clingy, but I get so insecure so easily and I’m always terrified that they will replace me when someone better comes along, and I’m an idiot because I will never say this to any of them, I will never tell them how I really feel, because I am incapable of talking to people about my feelings. 

I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless and lost. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know how.

Thank you for reading 

The small quiet one X

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