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A long overdue catch up

Hello friends!

As usual, there has been a pretty big gap in posts, unfortunately I’ve been super busy since i had A-level mock exams all this week which have been stressing me out for quite a while. I had my last 2 mocks yesterday so i have today off which is so nice! And tomorrow my school has set up a career orientated day with lots of talks and stuff.

I feel as though most of my mocks didn’t really go as well as i would have liked, especially physical geography, which has actually been going pretty well up until now which is so frustrating. I revised all of the topics as best as i could, and the second i started trying to answer the questions i completely forgot everything. Its so frustrating as i spent so much time revising, and in the end none of it was worth it. Chemistry was also a bit of a flop, but i didn’t really expect much else from chemistry, especially since I’ve been struggling so much with it recently. My human geography, Spanish and biology exams were slightly more successful, although I’m still not sure if I’m actually going to hit any of my target grades.

I’ve been trying really hard to try not to let mocks get me down, but I’m just finding it so hard to let it go, i feel like I’ve really let myself down. I got so incredibly stressed last week and i got to the point of just wanting to give up, I’m pretty sure the stress caused me to get ill as i spent a few days feeling very nauseous and headachey, although every mock or exam season i seem to get ill, which makes sitting in a gross exam hall for an hour and a half very unpleasant.

The pressure to start making career and university decisions is also getting pretty intense which I’m not too keen on. I still don’t have a clue what i want to do, what subject to study and where i want to go for university. Unfortunately i haven’t had much time to go to open days due to revision, and lots of open days actually collided with my mocks which was pretty inconvenient. Iv’e been to one open day so far, but all of the subject talks got full super quickly so i didn’t really get much of an idea on that front. I think i may be going to another open day this weekend, but again, most of the talks are already full, so iv’e just had to book the subjects that aren’t really what i was aiming for, but still mildly related :’) .

Other than all the horrible exam and future stress, which thankfully is now overrrrrrrr, all is well. Halsey and Lorde released new albums, which are both incredible! And, as i mentioned in my last post, I WENT TO SEE ED SHEERAN!! Being the dedicated fan i am, i got in the line at 6:30 am and managed to get 24th in the queue! My friend joined me in line a few hours later as she had an interview first thing in the morning. The opening acts were Ryan McMullan and Anne Marie, i had never hear of Ryan before, but he was really good! I also really enjoyed Anne Marie’s set, especially as i already know quite a few of her songs, she was also super funny. Obviously Ed Sheeran was incredible and being front row made the whole experience completely unforgettable.

Now if you follow Ed Sheeran, you may also know he was doing another show in London on June 22nd as part of the O2 arena’s 10th anniversary celebration, I didn’t manage to get tickets for this show as he only posted about it on twitter, which i didn’t have at the time (I learnt my lesson and made a twitter account) and resale tickets were going for over £200, which as much i love Ed Sheeran, was not going to happen. However literally 2 days before the concert i went back onto the resale site and they had dropped the prices of all the remaining tickets down to the original price, and so i bought 2 tickets! Unfortunately my friend couldn’t get the day off from work, so my mum came along instead as shes also a big fan of Ed Sheeran. Again, i woke up super early to go the the venue and i got there for 7:30 and i was 18th in line! (my mum had work and also didn’t want to be far forward out of fear of being squished) The two groups of girls in front of me in the line were lovely, so i sat and talked to them for the day. The opening act was a DJ/singer called Fuse ODG, he was really fun and his music was really up beat. And yet again, Ed Sheeran was incredible.

I cant believe i got so lucky and was able to go and see  Ed Sheeran twice in the space of a few weeks, but i am so unbelievably happy and all those hours in line was absolutely worth it!! In addition Fred got us tickets to see Lorde in September for the Melodrama tour, which i am super excited for! I’ve never seen Lorde live before, but Fred has, and apparently she is great!

I’m so sorry that my posts are always so inconsistent and i also haven’t really been able to keep up with everyone else blogs, but I’m trying to catch up at the moment! Now that school stress has calmed down a bit, hopefully ill be able to blog more often and do posts that are a bit more structured and about something other than concerts! (I apologies if music and concerts aren’t your cup of tea seeing as that’s the only constant in any of my blog posts!)

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

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Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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It’s finally over

Hey kidz!

Guess who is an extremely happy child… THATS RIGHT LADS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

So today was my last GCSE exam, and i couldn’t be more pleased about it. I don’t think its really hit me that i’m done, because i keep getting surges of ‘oh my god i should be revising’ and then i remember that there is nothing to revise for, which is a really weird feeling; it’s a feeling i haven’t experience since like last Autumn (because of mocks etc…).

Overall i think my exams went okay, geography went by without any major issues, same with English, RE and most of the science exams. Maths didn’t go very well, and this last physics exam was hell on earth, i could literally feel my mind collapsing. But i have never been so sure i failed anything, more than BOTH of my history papers, i managed to screw them both up mightily.  On out first paper one of the questions was about Hitler taking over Austria, i wrote half my answer about Hitler taking over Czechoslovakia, before realizing. And in the second paper i answered one of the questions about the effects of World War Two, with facts about World War One, and i didn’t even bother to cross it out, i just started a new paragraph and changed topic when i realized; i guess i’m not going to get marks taken away, but i still feel like a bit of an idiot. I don’t know why, but me and history haven’t gotten on well since year 10, i have had every grade between a D to an A, so i have no idea what to expect anymore. All i know is, i’m glad i never have to do it again.

Me and my friend are also going to be burning our exam timetables and old school books this weekend and hopefully roasting some marshmallows over the flames, which i am definitely looking forward to; as well as going to see the new Conjuring movie, which i am very excited about!

When i think about it though, it does make me quite sad, because i am losing a lot of good friends this year, i am never going to be with my little group at our self assigned bench at breaks and lunches again; because everything is changing, and a lot of my good friends are going to different sixth forms, and although we all still live close to one another, we will all inevitably drift apart and eventually lose contact. I am quite lucky though as Butt Crack is staying with me, i don’t know what i would do if she moved! I guess we still have prom and results day, and i have a feeling i’m going to be seeing a lot of them over the summer, so it’s not really the end.

I am so great full for the last 5 years at my secondary school, i met so many amazing people and have so many great memories, even though i’m staying at my school for sixth form, so i still have another two years, but it still feels like the end of an era. No more ugly ass uniform! No more 5 lessons a day! No more canteen ques! (sixth former’s get to skip the line at my school).

My prom is less than a week away now, i don’t really think prom is that much of a big deal, but i do finally have a dress! Which was a matter that was desperately stressing me out. my neighbor has also been kind enough to offer to do my hair and makeup for me, which is incredibly useful because i am inept at that sort of thing. As overrated as i feel it is, i’m sure i’m still going to have a great time, and it’s like the last hurrah for my little posse, which will probably be quite bittersweet. My school seem to have done a pretty good job in organisation and stuff, so hopefully it will all go smoothly!

So now that i have plenty of free time, i will be back to blogging!! I’m super excited and have quite a few posts in mind already :). I am definitely going to try my best to be more dedicated to this whole thanngggg, as well as the Instagram that i have for this blog as i am doing quite a bit this summer, i will try to keep that updated to (@thesmallquietone for those wondering :’) ).

Thank you guys so much for being patient with me during exams, i know my posts were quite spread out and mainly concert related, but i promise i’ll be switching it up! Also, for peeps who wanted to see my prom dress, there will be a post all ’bout that soon!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Sorry

Hello!

The other day I was writing my February post, but I was feeling very uninspired to write. I also felt guilty because I should have been revising. Because of this I have decided that I’m going to take a break from blogging until my GCSE’s are over, I’m doing this as I think it’s what’s best for me, I need to revise without distraction, and blogging is a pretty big one. Since I’ve been feeling very uninpired lately I feel like this is also the best place to stop, as I still enjoy it. Having a break will just allow me to find a few more topics I want to write about, and experience some more things, before I continue on with blogging, and hopefull after my GCSE’s are done, I will come back to blogging excited as ever! I also won’t be checking other people’s blogs until post GCSE’s, but once I’m back I’ll try to catch up! 

I may still do a post or two about the concerts I’m going to, and anything particularly exciting that may happen, more for my sake, as its those exciting and fun memories that I want to keep and be able to look back on. But don’t hold me to that, as I really don’t know if I’ll have enough time between looking after my horse and revision.

I hope you all understand why i need to do this. And I can’t wait to return to the blogging world come end of June/ early July!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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A-levels strike again

Hi,

Valentine’s Day is a pretty strange day to be writing something like this but oh well 😄 as some of you may remember, a while ago i did a post called ‘A-level terror’ or something like that; I guess this can be considered the sequel 😂

This time i’m really just stressed and unsure if iv’e made the right choices; obviously i can still change the subjects i want to do at A-level as its still far off. But i have no longer got any idea what i want to do. I’m pretty solid on Biology, Geography and Spanish and those are all subjects that i enjoy, and find relatively easy. Since for a long time iv’e wanted to peruse veterinary, i would have to take chemistry as my fourth subject, however i do not enjoy chemistry, nor am i particularly good at it, but it is a requirement for vet courses at university. Recently iv’e been switching a lot between wanting to do chemistry or psychology; i did a taster day of psychology at the end of year ten, and it seemed like a really interesting subject, however if i were to take psychology that would mean that i cannot apply for veterinary anymore. I have been questioning whether i still actually want to be a vet anymore, or whether i’m just telling myself i want to because it’s the only plan iv’e ever had. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else, but at the same time, it is very difficult to get  into, and i don’t have the top grades; and even once your in, there aren’t many jobs available, and the pay is low despite that amount of work that you have to put into it. So i have no idea if i should just completely ditch the idea of being a vet, or if it’s worth sticking out two years of chemistry, which will probably be quite a lot of work since its not one of my best subjects; and attempt to get into veterinary, which was my dream for a very long time.

This whole situation is incredibly stressful, and i’m getting more worried as time passes. I’m really lost, and i no longer know in which direction i want my life to go. I’m only 15 for crying out loud, i shouldn’t have to make such big and important decisions so early!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

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It’s been a bad day

Hi guys,

Today has definitely not been the best.

*possible trigger warning*

I had a lady out today to check my horses back, she’s dropped a lot of weight in the past 2/3 weeks, so her saddle really isn’t fitting her right and it’s been making her very uncomfortable. She told me that there is some concussion on her spine from where the saddle has been hitting, she also said Belle had a lot of other soreness across her back and shoulders. This lady (i’m going to call her Ann from now on) has seen Belle before, once around a year and a half ago, and once two and a half years ago, she is really nice, and i really trust what she has to say; she said that Belle looks much better than she did when we rescued her, but for having been almost three years, her back is still lacking muscle, earlier in the year she did have quite a bit more, but the sudden weight loss seems to have really reduced her top line. The weight loss may have been caused by her Cushings disease, she only has it very mildly and she is on medication for it, but it’s still a possibility.

Ann also told me that my trainer, despite being very good with the beginning phases of training, isn’t very good at the later stages, which is what i am currently doing with Belle. I have noticed that Belle and my progress has slowed down dramatically for around the last year, but i really like my instructor, and i would hate to stop having lessons with her; but we just don’t seem to be advancing anymore. The lady who owns the livery where Belle is kept, also started talking to Ann and they both started to complain about my instructor and i was just caught in the middle; i didn’t know what to say, as they were making valid points, and maybe it is time for me and Belle to try a different trainer to carry on improving, but it just made me really uncomfortable. Ann took one look at Belle and told me that i couldn’t keep riding her until she has put on enough weight and that i would then need to get her saddle refitted; just yesterday i had a lesson, and my trainer didn’t notice the state of Belle’s back; maybe i should have, but i didn’t realise how bad it was.

I feel like iv’e really failed as an owner, i’m meant to be looking after Belle, and i am to the best of my ability, but maybe i’m just not good enough. I’m so angry at myself for not taking better care of her. I’m also really upset about the whole trainer situation; i think i might start trying to find a new dressage instructor to work with, as i think it will probably be for the best. I just want to cry, Belle is my world, and she has helped me through so much, she gives me something to look forward to everyday, and a lot of the time, knowing that Belle is relying on me to come and look after her, feed her etc… has stopped me doing some pretty serious things. I don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to upset any one involved with Belle. While i was at the stables with Ann and the yard owner i was holding back tears the whole time, because i just felt, and still feel so useless. When i got home, i stopped feeling like i was going to cry, and now the thoughts of hurting myself are back. I think this whole situation has been made worse by the fact that i’m so stressed with revision at the moment. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Update

Hey! 

First off, I accidentally deleted my January post thinking I was only deleting an old draft, I was very wrong. I probably won’t be re writing it or posting it again, but the monthly posts will continue! 

In other news, school is still stressful af, GCSE’s are looming and I am drowning in revision, however have absolutely no motivation to do any. I have a geography exam today and then a history exam on Friday. They are only end of unit tests, but I still want to do well. I managed to churn out 7/8 pages of geography revision notes yesterday, now I need to start history 😭. 

Other than exam stress school is going pretty well, only one moe week before February half term! Then at least I won’t have to wake up at 7am. Me and my friend may also use the opportunity to go prom dress shopping, as once exams get closer, there won’t be any time. I have no idea what kind of dress I want, I’m not a fan of the mermaid style dresses, and I don’t want it to be a super bright colour, but at the same time I don’t want it to be super plain; basically, shopping is going to be a nightmare. Luckily I’m going with Buttcrack, and she is pretty much the same as me, and also has no idea what she wants for a dress. If I find a dress I might show you guys, if your interested, that is 😄

Sorry if this post is a bit random and pointless, i just really wanted to write something.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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