Uncategorized

Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

life update

hello!

i haven’t done a general ramble in quite a while, so i thought it was probably about time!

School is going okay i guess, although i think iv’e become really intolerant and i keep getting really irritated with people, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I’m also really worried about GCSE’s at the moment because they aren’t really that far away, yet i cant seem to make myself start revising; i think iv’e been stressed for so long, that iv’e become numb to the feeling. i want to do well so badly, i just need to start working soon, otherwise i’m not going to get the grades i’m hoping for. Between all of the homework iv’e been receiving lately and looking after my horse, i think that me and Belle (one of my closest friends who moved away a year and a half ago) have drifted apart quite a lot; Belle, my other closest friend and I have a group chat, we used to talk on it all of the time but recently its just been the odd message here and there, that usually doesn’t get replied to for a while. I guess we are all so busy that there just isn’t time anymore. I’m really hoping that once all of this GCSE rubbish is over, that the chat will get used a lot more. To be honest, i doubt this is the end of our little trio because we are all really close and we will probably be visiting her over summer; i guess i’m still getting used to the fact that she isn’t near me anymore, and that she is just as busy as i am. As you can probably tell, i don’t deal with change very well.

with regards to my mental state, i have absolutely no idea if i’m depressed; sometimes i feel so down that it feels like it can’t be anything but depression; then other times i don’t feel anything at all, and then sometimes i feel pretty alright. It seems to just depend on the day. I don’t want to be one of those people who self-diagnose; the only way for me to know if i am clinically depressed is to go to my GP, but that is a terrifying thought. I’ve been searching on the internet about signs and symptoms, and to be completely honest i experience a lot of them on a day to day basis. I am always tired, i have lost interest in some of the things i used to love doing, i get irritated and frustrated easily, and i often feel like the world would be better off without me. I don’t know.

On a more cheerful note, it’s less than one month until i go to the Halsey concert! i really cant wait, and i know its going to be amazing!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Thoughtful friends

hi guys!

a while ago, whenever i was feeling low, my friend would always send me these quotes about the things i was dealing with and going through; they always helped me a lot, and it meant so much to me that she went through the trouble of finding them. In this post i have found a few of my favorites and hopefully some of you guys may like them, or find them helpful with whatever you may be going through.

img_6686

I really liked this one because it made me remember that i am not defined by my body and for a long time i have struggled with my appearance and body, and i still do; this photo was just a nice reminder that eased some of the pain. It also helped me to distance myself from my negative feelings and it also reminded me that my friends care more about my personality than the way i look.

img_6681

When my friend sent me this i thought it was so sweet of her, especially because i often care too much about silly things, and i let things get to me way more than i should. I take a lot of what people say to heart, even if it isn’t about me.

img_6685

She sent me this one day when we were talking over text and i was in a really bad place, i finally told her that i had been having thought of killing myself, i didn’t plan on doing it, but the thoughts were there. I remember that i felt so alone and useless and i felt as though everyone hated me and that there was no way anyone could ever like me, let alone love me; we talked for a long time, and she helped me a lot; this picture was really nice to have to look back on when the thoughts started to come back, as it was a good reminder that at least one person would care if i died.

img_6274

she sent me this one while i was having difficulty explaining why i started self harming to her, and she was really understanding and she didn’t pressure me to tell her the whole story or go into detail which was nice.

img_6683

again much like a few of the others, this one was a good reminder that there are people who care about me, and that some people really will stick with me through everything.

img_6682

She sent me this one and a few others at the same time, i just really liked it because i know a lot of people who i think deserve to be happier than they are; and it also reminded me of how lucky i am to have such a wonderful and caring friend, who just wants me to be my old self again.

img_6684

This one was really important for me, because i am always ashamed of the fact that i self harm, and i think that who ever i tell will instantly hate me, or think i’m crazy. I cant thank her enough for being there for me through the worst times, and being my friend, despite my baggage.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

A more cheerful post

Helllooooo

I wanted to post something a bit more cheerful and uplifting than my last post, as you may be able to tell, I was not in a good place, and I am obviously still struggling; but staying in a negative mind set isn’t going to help me in any way shape or form. I also want to thank everyone who left such lovely and kind messages on that post, I honestly can’t thank you guys enough, it means so much to me that you care, and it was a much needed reminder that I am good for something. 

So basically this post is going to be about the group of friend I chill with at school. (I will be changing names for privacy)

So first we have May, I’ve known her since I was 4 and she is such a sweet and caring person, we were best friends up until around year 5 where we drifted appart a bit, but we still remain really good friends. She laughs so loud and so often it’s always contagious.

Then there’s Amy, I’ve only been friends with her really since the beginning of year 10 so around a year and a half; she’s so kind and really nice to be around. I’m so glad I got to become friends with her. 

Ellie I have known since primary school, but we were never that close, in year 7,8 and 9 were were really close; I’m glad I got to spend time with her. She has the kindest heart of anyone I know, and sometimes I see that people take advantage of her for it and it makes me so mad. She is also absolutely gorgeous, but she doesn’t believe me, which I find very frustrating. We are still good friends now, but we don’t see each other as often as we take completely deferent subjects. 

I became friends with Yaz also around the beginning of year 10, she’s really sweet and funny as well, we have a sort of love hate relationship, as sometimes she can be a bit hard to deal with, and she probably thinks the same about me 😄 but at the end of the day, I’m glad she’s my friend.

At the beginning of year 10 I also became friends with Fred, he’s unbelievably funny and sarcastic like me. We get along really well and he’s always fun to complain about people to because we both dislike the same people. He also told me to listen to Halsey so I’m eternally greatful. 

I only became friends with Hatty around halfway through year 10 I think, we don’t know each other that well, but she is super friendly and kind as well as hilariously funny. It feels like we’re been friends for ages because she’s so easy to talk to. 

I also have a friend called Belle who moved away a while ago, we still talk really often and I am looking forward to going to visit her over summer. There is a whole post about her somewhere on my blog. 

Last, but by no means least is butt crack. My soulmate friend who I love with all my heart. She is irreplaceable and no one can ever make me laugh like her. I could honestly go on forever about her. We are #bestfriendgoals according to the rest of our friend group 😂

These are the people I’m closeest with, but I do have a few other people that I love and enjoy spending time with, but I didn’t want this post to be much longer 😄  I am so greatful for the wonderful friends I have been blessed with, they make my life brighter and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. 

Thank you for reading! 

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

confessions

hi guys!

This post is going to be confessions to my best friend, she wont ever read this as she doesn’t know this blog exists, but never the less…

  • You make dragging myself out of bed and going to school slightly less daunting, because i know you will be there.
  • Seeing you happy makes me happy.
  • I have lied to you before; i’m not proud of it, but there are some things even you don’t know about me.
  • I have backed out of plans at the last minute with fake excuses, because i can’t get myself out of bed. I know it sounds awful but some days are just harder than others.
  • I sometimes get jealous when i see you getting close with other people, I guess i just worry that you might replace me with someone better. Please don’t.
  • If a anyone hurts you, i will kick their butt.
  • I will never judge you, i don’t care what you have done, you will always be my friend.
  • I wouldn’t change our friendship for the world.
  • When we are together, laughing about stupid things that don’t matter, those are my favorite moments.
  • I could never replace you.
  • There’s a lot of things i want to tell you, but i don’t know how, i don’t want to see you get upset.
  • I’m not always as happy as i seem. My smile is fake. I struggle with sadness.
  • You have helped me through so much, and you don’t even realize it.
  • I admire you so much.
  • You may not believe me when i tell you over and over again, but you are beautiful.
  • I will love you always.

Thank you for reading

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Best trip ever!

IMG_4737

30 day blogging challenge, day 10 – Best trip ever:

i have had so many great trips, but i think my favorite was going on holiday with my best friend, my brother and his best friend to Spain, we spent two weeks together and we had such a great time! i was worried that two weeks would be too much time to spend with one person, and that it might end up with us falling out, but by the end we were closer than ever, and i think it really consolidated our friendship and we are still inseparable. I have so many great memories from that holiday; it was such a great experience to share with my best friend and we also got to eat lots of delicious ice cream. I’m not sure if many people would be able to spend two weeks with their friend, without getting a bit sick of them; i think it means that i really have found a true friend that i will keep close forever. While we were on holiday we spent loads of time on the beach together and spent time in the pool. We made up dance routines in the water that are still running jokes to this day! We didn’t stay in the most luxurious place, it was a small two bedroom bungalow for five of us, with only one bathroom, let me tell you, that was truly an experience :’). I will always remember the night a giant flying cockroach creature came in our window… our screams were probably heard halfway across the world! We went to an arcade that had a huge hamster wheel type thing that you could get in and run in, we went on that thing so many times, we both ended up falling over and rolling around inside it, it was so funny! There was also they time where she sprayed me with the hose in the front garden, and it turned into a big water fight.

all in all we had the most amazing holiday!

Thanks for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Fake ass friends 

within my friendship group I have my absolutely best friend in the whole wide world and also another friend who I love so much as well, but there is also a girl in my friendship group who acts like my friend but then her actions make me question weather she is a real friend or not. 

I don’t know how to deal with the situation because I don’t want to get into an argument with her but its really starting to get to me and make me feel really quite crap about myself; when she found out who the boy I have feeling for is she went and told all of my other friends, this didn’t bother me too much as they are all my friends but every time I try to have a conversation with him she interrupts and starts making comments about how much I love him or she interrupts and starts throwing herself on him; I don’t want to seem petty but it is quite annoying.

As I have mentioned in previous posts I have anxiety and occasional panic attacks, luckily they are never too severe but they still happen. I don’t know if she realises she is doing it but when she talks about being nervous she says that she was having an anxiety attack and that kind of think and using the term for a mental health problem really loosely and just throwing it around as if no one has to acctually deal with the hell that is anxiety; this makes me feel really uncomfortable and it feels like she’s beliteling me for having to deal with anxiety and it hurts me quite a bit. 

I guess I know she’s not a good friend I just don’t know what to do, I have been trying to let the things she says go over my head but it’s been hard lately and she has been making fun of my appearance and body which I’m already pretty insecure about. I really don’t want any confrontation but this whole situation is making me not want to hang out with the rest of the group as I know she will be there.

If anyone has any experience with this type of situation please leave it in the comments and I will read and reply to all of  them 😊

Thank you for reading 

The small quiet one X

Standard