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Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

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It’s finally over

Hey kidz!

Guess who is an extremely happy child… THATS RIGHT LADS MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

So today was my last GCSE exam, and i couldn’t be more pleased about it. I don’t think its really hit me that i’m done, because i keep getting surges of ‘oh my god i should be revising’ and then i remember that there is nothing to revise for, which is a really weird feeling; it’s a feeling i haven’t experience since like last Autumn (because of mocks etc…).

Overall i think my exams went okay, geography went by without any major issues, same with English, RE and most of the science exams. Maths didn’t go very well, and this last physics exam was hell on earth, i could literally feel my mind collapsing. But i have never been so sure i failed anything, more than BOTH of my history papers, i managed to screw them both up mightily.  On out first paper one of the questions was about Hitler taking over Austria, i wrote half my answer about Hitler taking over Czechoslovakia, before realizing. And in the second paper i answered one of the questions about the effects of World War Two, with facts about World War One, and i didn’t even bother to cross it out, i just started a new paragraph and changed topic when i realized; i guess i’m not going to get marks taken away, but i still feel like a bit of an idiot. I don’t know why, but me and history haven’t gotten on well since year 10, i have had every grade between a D to an A, so i have no idea what to expect anymore. All i know is, i’m glad i never have to do it again.

Me and my friend are also going to be burning our exam timetables and old school books this weekend and hopefully roasting some marshmallows over the flames, which i am definitely looking forward to; as well as going to see the new Conjuring movie, which i am very excited about!

When i think about it though, it does make me quite sad, because i am losing a lot of good friends this year, i am never going to be with my little group at our self assigned bench at breaks and lunches again; because everything is changing, and a lot of my good friends are going to different sixth forms, and although we all still live close to one another, we will all inevitably drift apart and eventually lose contact. I am quite lucky though as Butt Crack is staying with me, i don’t know what i would do if she moved! I guess we still have prom and results day, and i have a feeling i’m going to be seeing a lot of them over the summer, so it’s not really the end.

I am so great full for the last 5 years at my secondary school, i met so many amazing people and have so many great memories, even though i’m staying at my school for sixth form, so i still have another two years, but it still feels like the end of an era. No more ugly ass uniform! No more 5 lessons a day! No more canteen ques! (sixth former’s get to skip the line at my school).

My prom is less than a week away now, i don’t really think prom is that much of a big deal, but i do finally have a dress! Which was a matter that was desperately stressing me out. my neighbor has also been kind enough to offer to do my hair and makeup for me, which is incredibly useful because i am inept at that sort of thing. As overrated as i feel it is, i’m sure i’m still going to have a great time, and it’s like the last hurrah for my little posse, which will probably be quite bittersweet. My school seem to have done a pretty good job in organisation and stuff, so hopefully it will all go smoothly!

So now that i have plenty of free time, i will be back to blogging!! I’m super excited and have quite a few posts in mind already :). I am definitely going to try my best to be more dedicated to this whole thanngggg, as well as the Instagram that i have for this blog as i am doing quite a bit this summer, i will try to keep that updated to (@thesmallquietone for those wondering :’) ).

Thank you guys so much for being patient with me during exams, i know my posts were quite spread out and mainly concert related, but i promise i’ll be switching it up! Also, for peeps who wanted to see my prom dress, there will be a post all ’bout that soon!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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A more cheerful post

Helllooooo

I wanted to post something a bit more cheerful and uplifting than my last post, as you may be able to tell, I was not in a good place, and I am obviously still struggling; but staying in a negative mind set isn’t going to help me in any way shape or form. I also want to thank everyone who left such lovely and kind messages on that post, I honestly can’t thank you guys enough, it means so much to me that you care, and it was a much needed reminder that I am good for something. 

So basically this post is going to be about the group of friend I chill with at school. (I will be changing names for privacy)

So first we have May, I’ve known her since I was 4 and she is such a sweet and caring person, we were best friends up until around year 5 where we drifted appart a bit, but we still remain really good friends. She laughs so loud and so often it’s always contagious.

Then there’s Amy, I’ve only been friends with her really since the beginning of year 10 so around a year and a half; she’s so kind and really nice to be around. I’m so glad I got to become friends with her. 

Ellie I have known since primary school, but we were never that close, in year 7,8 and 9 were were really close; I’m glad I got to spend time with her. She has the kindest heart of anyone I know, and sometimes I see that people take advantage of her for it and it makes me so mad. She is also absolutely gorgeous, but she doesn’t believe me, which I find very frustrating. We are still good friends now, but we don’t see each other as often as we take completely deferent subjects. 

I became friends with Yaz also around the beginning of year 10, she’s really sweet and funny as well, we have a sort of love hate relationship, as sometimes she can be a bit hard to deal with, and she probably thinks the same about me 😄 but at the end of the day, I’m glad she’s my friend.

At the beginning of year 10 I also became friends with Fred, he’s unbelievably funny and sarcastic like me. We get along really well and he’s always fun to complain about people to because we both dislike the same people. He also told me to listen to Halsey so I’m eternally greatful. 

I only became friends with Hatty around halfway through year 10 I think, we don’t know each other that well, but she is super friendly and kind as well as hilariously funny. It feels like we’re been friends for ages because she’s so easy to talk to. 

I also have a friend called Belle who moved away a while ago, we still talk really often and I am looking forward to going to visit her over summer. There is a whole post about her somewhere on my blog. 

Last, but by no means least is butt crack. My soulmate friend who I love with all my heart. She is irreplaceable and no one can ever make me laugh like her. I could honestly go on forever about her. We are #bestfriendgoals according to the rest of our friend group 😂

These are the people I’m closeest with, but I do have a few other people that I love and enjoy spending time with, but I didn’t want this post to be much longer 😄  I am so greatful for the wonderful friends I have been blessed with, they make my life brighter and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them. 

Thank you for reading! 

The small quiet one X

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confessions

hi guys!

This post is going to be confessions to my best friend, she wont ever read this as she doesn’t know this blog exists, but never the less…

  • You make dragging myself out of bed and going to school slightly less daunting, because i know you will be there.
  • Seeing you happy makes me happy.
  • I have lied to you before; i’m not proud of it, but there are some things even you don’t know about me.
  • I have backed out of plans at the last minute with fake excuses, because i can’t get myself out of bed. I know it sounds awful but some days are just harder than others.
  • I sometimes get jealous when i see you getting close with other people, I guess i just worry that you might replace me with someone better. Please don’t.
  • If a anyone hurts you, i will kick their butt.
  • I will never judge you, i don’t care what you have done, you will always be my friend.
  • I wouldn’t change our friendship for the world.
  • When we are together, laughing about stupid things that don’t matter, those are my favorite moments.
  • I could never replace you.
  • There’s a lot of things i want to tell you, but i don’t know how, i don’t want to see you get upset.
  • I’m not always as happy as i seem. My smile is fake. I struggle with sadness.
  • You have helped me through so much, and you don’t even realize it.
  • I admire you so much.
  • You may not believe me when i tell you over and over again, but you are beautiful.
  • I will love you always.

Thank you for reading

The small quiet one X

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Fake ass friends 

within my friendship group I have my absolutely best friend in the whole wide world and also another friend who I love so much as well, but there is also a girl in my friendship group who acts like my friend but then her actions make me question weather she is a real friend or not. 

I don’t know how to deal with the situation because I don’t want to get into an argument with her but its really starting to get to me and make me feel really quite crap about myself; when she found out who the boy I have feeling for is she went and told all of my other friends, this didn’t bother me too much as they are all my friends but every time I try to have a conversation with him she interrupts and starts making comments about how much I love him or she interrupts and starts throwing herself on him; I don’t want to seem petty but it is quite annoying.

As I have mentioned in previous posts I have anxiety and occasional panic attacks, luckily they are never too severe but they still happen. I don’t know if she realises she is doing it but when she talks about being nervous she says that she was having an anxiety attack and that kind of think and using the term for a mental health problem really loosely and just throwing it around as if no one has to acctually deal with the hell that is anxiety; this makes me feel really uncomfortable and it feels like she’s beliteling me for having to deal with anxiety and it hurts me quite a bit. 

I guess I know she’s not a good friend I just don’t know what to do, I have been trying to let the things she says go over my head but it’s been hard lately and she has been making fun of my appearance and body which I’m already pretty insecure about. I really don’t want any confrontation but this whole situation is making me not want to hang out with the rest of the group as I know she will be there.

If anyone has any experience with this type of situation please leave it in the comments and I will read and reply to all of  them 😊

Thank you for reading 

The small quiet one X

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About friends

A couple of months ago one of my best friends moved away (for anonymity I will call her Bell), I have known Bell since I was 4 and we have always been super close, we were a trio; me, Bell and Mia (also a fake name). Now that Bell is gone there’s only me and Mia left, we both miss Bell huge amounts; I don’t know how Mia feel but I honestly feel like I’m missing a vital part of myself; me and Mia are like twins now that Bell is gone, but both of us still haven’t gotten over her leaving. A friend of mine told me that I would get used to her not being around but I haven’t, every day I go to school and expect to see her and it’s awful to realise that she’s so far away. I don’t normally talk about it much because I don’t want to seem over dramatic, but I truly miss my best friends and I would do anything to be able to just sit on our pjs, eating popcorn and watching a film like we did before

To whoever is reading this, please tell me if you’ve ever had a situation like this, how you handled it. Or if you haven’t how you would handle it. 

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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