So as you may know, i went away to Spain on holiday a month or so ago. I did to a post about my holiday, but i mostly focused on my relationship with my brother rather than any events that actually occurred. I’m no to sure why it took me so long to decided to share this with you guys, i guess I’m just quite embarrassed about it. But since i want this blog to be as open and truthful as possible, i have decided i want to tell you; now you guys must be thinking that something crazy went down, honestly don’t get your hopes up, i am a bland and boring person.
Okay so… While in Spain we had our dog with us as we drove, in the area we were staying there was only one beach that allowed you to take dogs on the beach. On one of our first days me and my mum were just chillin on the beach with our dog, i was listening to music and watching the sea; then these two guys started playing some ball game near by, i pretty easily just ignored them and carried on with my life. My mum on the other hand started poking me, so i took my headphone out and she told me that one of the guys kept looking over at me; i obviously brushed it off because I’m not exactly anything amazing to look at. We returned to the same beach for a few days and the same guy just kept appearing all over the damn place.
Around a week later i was going to walk to find a cafe to buy my mum and i a drink, just as i was leaving the beach the guy walked up to me and started talking to me. He was German, 18 and also on holiday, he walked with me up to a cafe which took like 20 minutes or so. His English was really good, while we walked we talked about school and stuff; me being me, i obviously felt suffocatingly awkward. Once we got back to the beach i just went to give my mum her drink, i foolishly assumed the guy would leave me alone as what 18 year old wants to meet some random girls mum; but boy was i wrong, he just followed and struck up a conversation with my mum, i just stood to the side wishing for death. After like half and hour he realized he had to go, he asked for my phone number but i couldn’t remember it, so he asked me to put my name in his phone so he could add me on facebook.
He then messaged me that evening asking if i wanted to go out clubbing with him and his friends, as a 16 year old that absolutely hates crowds (unless its a good ass concert lol), i was pretty much desperate to not go, I managed to worm my way out in the end; but I’m really bad at making excuses and it always makes me feel really guilty to turn down people. He was pretty damn persistent though, so in the end i agreed to go to a beach cafe with him. Once the day came around i went, but he had invited his friend with him, so basically they chatted in German and i just sat awkwardly. I texted my mum on the way back to tell them we were leaving when i got back to the beach. Thankfully my mum came to save the day just as he was trying to convince me to go clubbing again. He then messaged me on facebook again, by this point i just wanted him to leave me alone.
He was a nice guy and i didn’t really mind him talking to me, it was just really awkward for me and i really wanted to enjoy my holiday without having to worry about boys and such. I also don’t appreciate being pressured to go clubbing, obviously he didn’t know about my anxiety and stuff, but still… he could have just respected the word ‘no’ and moved on.
In the end i just had to ignore his messages and delete the conversation on my facebook, because otherwise i would have felt guilty for ignoring him and i would have replied, and probably made the situation even worse for myself. I know this makes me sound really rude and awful, i just didn’t feel much towards him, he was a bit too overbearing for me and I’m not sure why but he just made me feel uncomfortable. After a while he left me alone and me and my mum went out and did other activities for a few day to avoid going back to the same beach. After that i only saw him once, but i don’t think he saw me. It still made me feel really guilty though, i really hope i didn’t offend him.
I think I’m just not good at letting new people in, it makes me feel… cornered? I think that’s the best word for it. I don’t like to say no to people as i hate myself if i offend or upset anyone, and because of this i feel like i can’t escape from these kinds of situations. I still feel like a really horrible person for cutting him off like it did, but i keep trying to remind myself that we only spoke a few times so it probably want a very big deal for him.
I think at the moment i have a bit too much going on in my head to deal with new relationships, but at the same time i feel like, with the right person i would be able to sort myself out enough. But personally i find it so much easier to let myself have feelings for people if I’ve known them for a long time. Like with Bob for example (Features in this post), when he asked me out it was too soon for me, i felt something for him at the time, but i just wasn’t enough. Now a days me and Bob are good friends and I’m much more comfortable around him. However because of this i feel like its going to be quite a while before i get into a relationship, i guess in a way i need to ‘friend zone’ a guy for a while, so i can un-muddle my thoughts and sort my emotions out, before i can handle things getting more serious.
Anyway it was nice to get this off of my chest, i think i really needed to talk about this, its been making me feel really guilty for a while now, hopefully now that its out in the open i can start to move on.
Thank you for reading!
The small quiet one X