Uncategorized

A lil update

Hello again!

For once, it actually hasn’t been thaaaaaaat long since my last post.

Since that post i have unfortunately had to return to sixth form, how does summer always fly by so fast! As you may know, i took chemistry, biology, geography and Spanish for Alevel last year, and everything was going relatively well, except for chemistry. I cant’t remember how much detail i went into about the situation, but chemistry is certainly not my forte as i have since found out. I pretty much stayed consistently between a C and E grade throughout year 12, which isn’t really ideal to say the least. It also took up a huge amount of my time between lessons, homework and independent study. I think this also started to have an impact on my other classes, as in our end of year mocks i got a B in geography and biology and an A in Spanish, which isn’t bad, but i spent most of my time revising for chemistry, yet only came out of mocks with an E. I feel as though if i hadn’t had to stress so much about chemistry, then maybe i could have done a little better in my other subjects. It also feels like such a waste of my time and effort to get an E after i really did try my hardest, so i was super disappointed . I think chemistry really wore me down and was starting to make me really hate going to school because i knew i wouldn’t understand anything, and that i probably would end up failing my A level. Because of all of this, i have dropped chemistry, and oh my god is it a relief. I don’t think i had quite realized how much it was affecting my mental health and the way i felt about school. I now have more time to fully apply myself to my other subjects, and i don’t feel as awful about going to sixth form anymore.

It was a really hard decision to make, as i was worried i was closing doors on myself; especially with respect to choosing a degree, as for a lot of science based degrees you need two sciences at A level to even be considered. Luckily iv’e found a couple of different routes that i can take that don’t require chemistry. My current favorite is therapeutic radiography, which only requires one science! If any of you are in a situation similar to mine, and really can’t cope anymore, there really is no shame in cutting back on a subject. I’m beyond happy with the decision i made. Obviously if your really set on a set degree/apprenticeship/job that has strict requirements, then try to stick it out, maybe ask your teachers for extra help, or even try tutoring if you can (although i think that can get pretty pricey).

Unfortunately, despite having gotten rid of the bane of my existence, a new enemy has come along in the form of the geography NEA (Non examined assessment), which is basically just coursework from hell on steroids. It really does suck, and since this is the first the exam boards have done this, my teachers aren’t really aren’t sure of what is expected from us. We all have to choose our own question to investigate, which can be related to absolutely anything in the syllabus; which sounds pretty nice; but i just found it incredibly scary as its so open and easy to choose a dead end question that then makes the rest of the project even worse.

In other news, iv’e recently been absolutely LOVING an artist called Billie Eilish, she recently released an EP with her brother called ‘don’t smile at me’, and its amazing! If you haven’t listened to her yet then you definitely should. Her voice is incredible, and shes only 15! I think people have said shes pretty similar to Halsey or Lorde, so if your into that kind of music then you’ll definitely like her! She’s actually playing a show in London in November, but i was too slow and sadly i didn’t manage to get tickets, but next time she does a show in the UK i’m definitely going! I just need to force my friends to listen to her music too.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Advertisements
Standard
Uncategorized

A long overdue catch up

Hello friends!

As usual, there has been a pretty big gap in posts, unfortunately I’ve been super busy since i had A-level mock exams all this week which have been stressing me out for quite a while. I had my last 2 mocks yesterday so i have today off which is so nice! And tomorrow my school has set up a career orientated day with lots of talks and stuff.

I feel as though most of my mocks didn’t really go as well as i would have liked, especially physical geography, which has actually been going pretty well up until now which is so frustrating. I revised all of the topics as best as i could, and the second i started trying to answer the questions i completely forgot everything. Its so frustrating as i spent so much time revising, and in the end none of it was worth it. Chemistry was also a bit of a flop, but i didn’t really expect much else from chemistry, especially since I’ve been struggling so much with it recently. My human geography, Spanish and biology exams were slightly more successful, although I’m still not sure if I’m actually going to hit any of my target grades.

I’ve been trying really hard to try not to let mocks get me down, but I’m just finding it so hard to let it go, i feel like I’ve really let myself down. I got so incredibly stressed last week and i got to the point of just wanting to give up, I’m pretty sure the stress caused me to get ill as i spent a few days feeling very nauseous and headachey, although every mock or exam season i seem to get ill, which makes sitting in a gross exam hall for an hour and a half very unpleasant.

The pressure to start making career and university decisions is also getting pretty intense which I’m not too keen on. I still don’t have a clue what i want to do, what subject to study and where i want to go for university. Unfortunately i haven’t had much time to go to open days due to revision, and lots of open days actually collided with my mocks which was pretty inconvenient. Iv’e been to one open day so far, but all of the subject talks got full super quickly so i didn’t really get much of an idea on that front. I think i may be going to another open day this weekend, but again, most of the talks are already full, so iv’e just had to book the subjects that aren’t really what i was aiming for, but still mildly related :’) .

Other than all the horrible exam and future stress, which thankfully is now overrrrrrrr, all is well. Halsey and Lorde released new albums, which are both incredible! And, as i mentioned in my last post, I WENT TO SEE ED SHEERAN!! Being the dedicated fan i am, i got in the line at 6:30 am and managed to get 24th in the queue! My friend joined me in line a few hours later as she had an interview first thing in the morning. The opening acts were Ryan McMullan and Anne Marie, i had never hear of Ryan before, but he was really good! I also really enjoyed Anne Marie’s set, especially as i already know quite a few of her songs, she was also super funny. Obviously Ed Sheeran was incredible and being front row made the whole experience completely unforgettable.

Now if you follow Ed Sheeran, you may also know he was doing another show in London on June 22nd as part of the O2 arena’s 10th anniversary celebration, I didn’t manage to get tickets for this show as he only posted about it on twitter, which i didn’t have at the time (I learnt my lesson and made a twitter account) and resale tickets were going for over £200, which as much i love Ed Sheeran, was not going to happen. However literally 2 days before the concert i went back onto the resale site and they had dropped the prices of all the remaining tickets down to the original price, and so i bought 2 tickets! Unfortunately my friend couldn’t get the day off from work, so my mum came along instead as shes also a big fan of Ed Sheeran. Again, i woke up super early to go the the venue and i got there for 7:30 and i was 18th in line! (my mum had work and also didn’t want to be far forward out of fear of being squished) The two groups of girls in front of me in the line were lovely, so i sat and talked to them for the day. The opening act was a DJ/singer called Fuse ODG, he was really fun and his music was really up beat. And yet again, Ed Sheeran was incredible.

I cant believe i got so lucky and was able to go and see  Ed Sheeran twice in the space of a few weeks, but i am so unbelievably happy and all those hours in line was absolutely worth it!! In addition Fred got us tickets to see Lorde in September for the Melodrama tour, which i am super excited for! I’ve never seen Lorde live before, but Fred has, and apparently she is great!

I’m so sorry that my posts are always so inconsistent and i also haven’t really been able to keep up with everyone else blogs, but I’m trying to catch up at the moment! Now that school stress has calmed down a bit, hopefully ill be able to blog more often and do posts that are a bit more structured and about something other than concerts! (I apologies if music and concerts aren’t your cup of tea seeing as that’s the only constant in any of my blog posts!)

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

Standard
Uncategorized

Alevels & music

Hello lovely people!

Iv’e been desperate to write a post for a while, but i haven’t had the time. Sixth form is still exhausting, the last two weeks seem to have been particularly difficult for some reason. Chemistry is still a hell lesson, i am so behind and confused constantly it’s so frustrating, not to mention the fact that Butt Crack just seems to understand everything instantly and I’m sat next to her not even sure if our teacher is speaking in English. Other than chemistry, my other subjects are going pretty well, biology is quite hard work but i enjoy it and my class is so fun, I’m also so glad i chose to do geography, and Spanish is pretty fun.

I’m really trying to make grades mean less to me as i have a tendency to really obsess and put all of my self worth into test results, which is pretty awful when your getting D’s in Chemistry. I also focus a lot more on how badly i do rather than the things I’m doing well in. Like, i will very quickly get over the A in Geography or Biology, and just put it down to the test being easy. But then when i get a D or an E in Chemistry it really makes me miserable, it becomes all i can think of and it makes me feel like such a failure. Hopefully i can start actually learning and moving foreword from tests, and use that as motivation to do better next time, instead of letting it upset me and make me want to quit.

As you all know (and are probably very sick of hearing about), Ed Sheeran’s new album came out last week, it is sooooooo good! I love all of the songs so much, but my favorites are probably eraser, happier, hearts don’t break around here and castle on the hill. I can’t explain how much Ed Sheeran’s music means to me, I’ve been a massive fan for around 6 years now, and his music has helped me get through some really tough times. I’m so proud of how well he’s done, the first time i saw him live it was in a tiny venue in London and i was sat pretty far back and we were still so close, yet only a few years later he sold out Wembley Stadium three days in a row. I am so excited and grateful that i was lucky enough to get tickets to see him this May, i cannot wait to see what he does this time, he is the most incredible performer. Other news in music also, Halsey has said that she will be releasing an Album in June, which i can’t wait for either! and hopefully there will also be a new Melanie Martinez album before the end of the year!

This summer i am also really hoping to go to Reading festival with a few of my friends, the line up seems pretty good, and Halsey is going to be performing which i am very happy about since she had to cancel her set at Vfestival last year. It would be the first time i go camping at a music festival which is super exciting and it will be so much fun! I just need to find a way to make enough money to pay for the ticket! I know a lot of people think that i got to too many concerts and that I’m wasting my money, but honestly i find that concerts are the moments in my life where i feel at my happiest and most relaxed. Its so easy to forget about how all the small things that sit on my shoulders and weigh me down, while I’m belting out the lyrics to the songs that i relate to and that have a meaning to me. Its a feeling that i miss from the second i leave the venue. I love being able to escape from reality and be in a bubble of joy and excitement for those few hours.

Sorry this post is so random!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

 

Standard
Uncategorized

2016 

Hello!

So this post, although a bit overdue, is going to be reminiscing on the last year.

Overall I think that 2016 was a bit of a dodgy year for everyone, especially in regards to politics. Personally however, I think 2016 was decent, it definitely wasn’t the best year but looking back there are a lot of moments and memories that I will cherish forever.

In 2016 I was lucky enough to see quite a few concerts, music is a massive part of my life and I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. Being able to see the people behind the beautiful lyrics is amazing, their songs have made the painful moments more bearable and others have made the brilliant moments have an great soundtrack. I always have such a feeling of freedom during concerts, being able to scream along to every word, dance like a crazy person and just be the most care free I’ve ever been; all the while surrounded by people who feel exactly the same as me, it’s incredible. 

It’s so crazy to think that in 2016 I revised my butt off, sat my GCSE’s and got my results, that all seems like such a distant memory. I am still very pleased with my GCSE results and I’m so glad that all my revision payed off, I’m still not sure how I managed to pull of an A in maths though. GCSE’s were a rollercoaster of stress, but at the end of it I had the most wonderful night at my prom and a delightful extra long summer holiday, which definitely made all the revision worth it. I had such a wonderful summer and I spent a lot of it with my friends which was lovely, especially since many of us parted ways in September when some people went to different sixth forms. 

Obviously I also started sixth form in 2016, so far it’s just been extremely stressful. However there are a few perks- no more uniform is a pretty great one, free periods are also good fun, but having the option to leave the school grounds to get food, or just leave early if my lessons are done for the day, has got to be my favourite. I also made some new friends in 2016 as our classes are now much smaller, but also a mixture of all the forms (years 7-11 my lessons were almost exclusively a mixture of only 3 or 4 forms and there are 8 forms in total) so a lot of people I only knew of because I would walk past them every now and then, are people I see every day and spend a lot of time with, I think this has been quite nice as I think my year group as a whole, has become a lot closer.

I think a pretty big one is… I survived. There have been points during this year where I’ve felt like giving up, where things have fallen apart and where I’ve slipped back into bad ways of thinking. I know this is pretty obvious looking back at my posts throughout this year. I’m proud of making it this far, and actually being able to feel proud for getting here, there were so many moments where I was so unhappy that I honestly didn’t want to be alive anymore, but I got through it. I’ve gotten stronger and I think that I’ve gotten the voices under control a little bit more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

2017 I think has gotten off to a good start. I spent New Year with my family in Argentina and has such an amazing time, despite the humidity being at like 80% and my hair refusing to cooperate. Also I’m living for the return of Ed Sheeran, I haven’t been okay since he posted that bloody blue square on instagram, I LOVE the new singles and I cannot wait until March 3rd for the new album! 

I ALSO MANAGED TO GET PRESALE TICKETS TO SEE HIM IN CONCERT OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going with my friend Abby who I went to see Ed Sheeran with in like June/July 2015, although this year we’re going to be standing which I’m beyond excited about. So far I’ve never been standing at an Ed Sheeran concert, but I think standing is going to be much more fun and the atmosphere is amazing in standing from what I’ve experienced at other concerts. This will be my 4th time seeing Ed Sheeran live, and I’m losing my mind, I cannot believe how lucky I was to manage to get tickets. I cannot explain how amazing he is live oh my god, I can already feel how amazing this new album is going to be, and I know me and Abby are going to be messes throughout; I say this because I literally sobbed when I heard ‘castle on the hill’. 

Sixth form is still a bit of a struggle, I’m drowning in homework and tests and revision, but I am really enjoying most of my subjects (bar chemistry which is a literal nightmare). I love that I get to but all of my energy into these subjects which I actually want to do, rather than spending hours worrying about maths or drama or English, when they are subjects that I have not interest in. I’m definitely struggling to get back into the rhythm of independent study etc… after Christmas, but I’m slowly getting there.

I am very sorry for the lack of posts (as usual), but things have been pretty hectic lately, but I am trying, and I really do want to keep blogging and hopefully I’ll start posting more regularly at some point.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

Standard
Uncategorized

Sad & busy bee

Hello! 

I know it’s been a while but sixth form is super demanding at the moment and I’m still trying to get to grips with it I guess. 

It’s been hard, I’ve been feeling like crap. But hopefully soon I’ll get into a routine and I’ll start to feel a bit happier. On the plus side my classes are all with nice people and my teachers all all nice and relatively good. There’s just so much to keep up with, we get a lot more independent work, which was expected, it’s just not letting it stack up. I can’t really afford to procrastinate anymore. I feel like I haven’t actually been relaxed since school started back again, and i think that’s what making me feel so unhappy and trapped. 

Recently the whole depression things seems to be making a bit of a comeback and that’s really scary, because I really thought I was going to okay. I’ve been through years of self harm and self hatred and i thought I had really gotten over it, that the thoughts of hurting myself wouldn’t come back. But they have. And boy have they come back with a bang. I’ve been trying to make a bit of a joke of it with Butt Crack, but I think she knows that when I say ‘oh my god I want to die’ there’s a bit of truth. I know that suicide isn’t the best option and I’m not planning on it, but most of the time i would just rather not exist. I don’t want to die, I want to not exist. 

And I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just spoiled and whatever, I know I am lucky, I have supportive parents and everything I could ever need and much much more. I know I have a great life and I’m unbelievably lucky; it’s me and my brain that’s the problem. I hate myself. I wish I was different in so many ways. I wish I was nicer, friendlier, more outgoing, prettier, slimmer, more tolerant… Happier. I want to be a better person, but I don’t know what I can do to change myself, there’s so much I want to change. Obviously with all this recently I’ve been wanting to hurt myself, but to be quite honest I’ve been to busy, I don’t have time to hurt myself, and I guess in a way that’s a good thing; because I know that if I start again, it’s going to make me feel worse in the long run and it’s going to be incredibly hard to stop. And I don’t want to have to be paranoid if I wear shorts in case they rise a bit and expose scars, I don’t want to avoid going swimming when I go on holiday at Christmas, I can’t risk my mum seeing.  

I really don’t know how often I’m going to be posting, but please be patient with me. I miss blogging so much and I’m really sorry that i keep disappearing.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard