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It’s been a bad day

Hi guys,

Today has definitely not been the best.

*possible trigger warning*

I had a lady out today to check my horses back, she’s dropped a lot of weight in the past 2/3 weeks, so her saddle really isn’t fitting her right and it’s been making her very uncomfortable. She told me that there is some concussion on her spine from where the saddle has been hitting, she also said Belle had a lot of other soreness across her back and shoulders. This lady (i’m going to call her Ann from now on) has seen Belle before, once around a year and a half ago, and once two and a half years ago, she is really nice, and i really trust what she has to say; she said that Belle looks much better than she did when we rescued her, but for having been almost three years, her back is still lacking muscle, earlier in the year she did have quite a bit more, but the sudden weight loss seems to have really reduced her top line. The weight loss may have been caused by her Cushings disease, she only has it very mildly and she is on medication for it, but it’s still a possibility.

Ann also told me that my trainer, despite being very good with the beginning phases of training, isn’t very good at the later stages, which is what i am currently doing with Belle. I have noticed that Belle and my progress has slowed down dramatically for around the last year, but i really like my instructor, and i would hate to stop having lessons with her; but we just don’t seem to be advancing anymore. The lady who owns the livery where Belle is kept, also started talking to Ann and they both started to complain about my instructor and i was just caught in the middle; i didn’t know what to say, as they were making valid points, and maybe it is time for me and Belle to try a different trainer to carry on improving, but it just made me really uncomfortable. Ann took one look at Belle and told me that i couldn’t keep riding her until she has put on enough weight and that i would then need to get her saddle refitted; just yesterday i had a lesson, and my trainer didn’t notice the state of Belle’s back; maybe i should have, but i didn’t realise how bad it was.

I feel like iv’e really failed as an owner, i’m meant to be looking after Belle, and i am to the best of my ability, but maybe i’m just not good enough. I’m so angry at myself for not taking better care of her. I’m also really upset about the whole trainer situation; i think i might start trying to find a new dressage instructor to work with, as i think it will probably be for the best. I just want to cry, Belle is my world, and she has helped me through so much, she gives me something to look forward to everyday, and a lot of the time, knowing that Belle is relying on me to come and look after her, feed her etc… has stopped me doing some pretty serious things. I don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to upset any one involved with Belle. While i was at the stables with Ann and the yard owner i was holding back tears the whole time, because i just felt, and still feel so useless. When i got home, i stopped feeling like i was going to cry, and now the thoughts of hurting myself are back. I think this whole situation has been made worse by the fact that i’m so stressed with revision at the moment. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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life update

hello!

i haven’t done a general ramble in quite a while, so i thought it was probably about time!

School is going okay i guess, although i think iv’e become really intolerant and i keep getting really irritated with people, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I’m also really worried about GCSE’s at the moment because they aren’t really that far away, yet i cant seem to make myself start revising; i think iv’e been stressed for so long, that iv’e become numb to the feeling. i want to do well so badly, i just need to start working soon, otherwise i’m not going to get the grades i’m hoping for. Between all of the homework iv’e been receiving lately and looking after my horse, i think that me and Belle (one of my closest friends who moved away a year and a half ago) have drifted apart quite a lot; Belle, my other closest friend and I have a group chat, we used to talk on it all of the time but recently its just been the odd message here and there, that usually doesn’t get replied to for a while. I guess we are all so busy that there just isn’t time anymore. I’m really hoping that once all of this GCSE rubbish is over, that the chat will get used a lot more. To be honest, i doubt this is the end of our little trio because we are all really close and we will probably be visiting her over summer; i guess i’m still getting used to the fact that she isn’t near me anymore, and that she is just as busy as i am. As you can probably tell, i don’t deal with change very well.

with regards to my mental state, i have absolutely no idea if i’m depressed; sometimes i feel so down that it feels like it can’t be anything but depression; then other times i don’t feel anything at all, and then sometimes i feel pretty alright. It seems to just depend on the day. I don’t want to be one of those people who self-diagnose; the only way for me to know if i am clinically depressed is to go to my GP, but that is a terrifying thought. I’ve been searching on the internet about signs and symptoms, and to be completely honest i experience a lot of them on a day to day basis. I am always tired, i have lost interest in some of the things i used to love doing, i get irritated and frustrated easily, and i often feel like the world would be better off without me. I don’t know.

On a more cheerful note, it’s less than one month until i go to the Halsey concert! i really cant wait, and i know its going to be amazing!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Thoughtful friends

hi guys!

a while ago, whenever i was feeling low, my friend would always send me these quotes about the things i was dealing with and going through; they always helped me a lot, and it meant so much to me that she went through the trouble of finding them. In this post i have found a few of my favorites and hopefully some of you guys may like them, or find them helpful with whatever you may be going through.

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I really liked this one because it made me remember that i am not defined by my body and for a long time i have struggled with my appearance and body, and i still do; this photo was just a nice reminder that eased some of the pain. It also helped me to distance myself from my negative feelings and it also reminded me that my friends care more about my personality than the way i look.

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When my friend sent me this i thought it was so sweet of her, especially because i often care too much about silly things, and i let things get to me way more than i should. I take a lot of what people say to heart, even if it isn’t about me.

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She sent me this one day when we were talking over text and i was in a really bad place, i finally told her that i had been having thought of killing myself, i didn’t plan on doing it, but the thoughts were there. I remember that i felt so alone and useless and i felt as though everyone hated me and that there was no way anyone could ever like me, let alone love me; we talked for a long time, and she helped me a lot; this picture was really nice to have to look back on when the thoughts started to come back, as it was a good reminder that at least one person would care if i died.

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she sent me this one while i was having difficulty explaining why i started self harming to her, and she was really understanding and she didn’t pressure me to tell her the whole story or go into detail which was nice.

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again much like a few of the others, this one was a good reminder that there are people who care about me, and that some people really will stick with me through everything.

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She sent me this one and a few others at the same time, i just really liked it because i know a lot of people who i think deserve to be happier than they are; and it also reminded me of how lucky i am to have such a wonderful and caring friend, who just wants me to be my old self again.

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This one was really important for me, because i am always ashamed of the fact that i self harm, and i think that who ever i tell will instantly hate me, or think i’m crazy. I cant thank her enough for being there for me through the worst times, and being my friend, despite my baggage.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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If only it were easy

Hi guys

*This post may be triggering to some*

I hurt myself today, I haven’t done it in a quite a while, I don’t even know why I did it; nothing particularly bad has happened recently, but I desperately needed to feel something, something to replace the numbness that I have been drowning in. I don’t think I’m always numb, I think I do feel happy when I’m laughing with my friends and my mind is distracted by the random chatter of my friends; that’s why I’m not sure if I’m actually depressed, because I do have moments where I feel better. The problem is when I’m alone, and all I can think about are my flaws, everything I did wrong that day, how much I hate myself. 

The fact that I don’t even know why I do this to myself, terrifys me, my cuts are never particularly deep, and to be honesty, they will probably not leave permanent scars; but I’m still hurting myself on purpose, because I want to. And I just want this all to go away, I want stop feeling this way, and I want to stop feeling so much relief and sick joy from watching little lines on my thigh turn red and watch little bubbles of blood gathering.

I don’t know why I feel like this. I have such a lovely life, I have loving parents, I have a roof over my head and there’s always food in the house; I have been blessed with so many extra luxuries; and so many people arent as lucky as I am. I don’t think my life is the issue, my problem is that I loath myself, I hate that my thighs are so big and that my stomach isn’t flat, I hate that my grades are never as high as I would like them to be, I hate that I’m stubborn, I hate that I’m clingy, I hate that I’m a lot to handle, I hate that I’m so ungrateful for everything that I have. I can feel my friends getting annoyed with me for being so clingy, but I get so insecure so easily and I’m always terrified that they will replace me when someone better comes along, and I’m an idiot because I will never say this to any of them, I will never tell them how I really feel, because I am incapable of talking to people about my feelings. 

I don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless and lost. I want to stop feeling this way but I don’t know how.

Thank you for reading 

The small quiet one X

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Life’s little triumphs 

*may be triggering*

Hi everyone! 

I know this is my second post in one day, but earlier today I really really felt like I needed to cut, I’ve been clean now for a few weeks and this evening I felt myself getting weak and looking for a way to release everything and as much as the blade that sits in a little bag on the top shelf of my wardrobe was calling my name, I managed to walk out of my room and sit my ass in the living room for long enough for the feeling to be subdued. I don’t know if I’m just making this worse for myself, and when I eventually do relapse, it will be worse. But for now, deep down; bellow the voices and the urges telling me to do it. I feel the slightest hint of pride.
Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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a few thoughts

hi 🙂

its been a while, i know; but iv’e been super busy as we’ve been doing GCSE mocks this past week so iv’e been having to do so much revision. Its all over now though and all that’s left is the real thing in spring!

I wasn’t really sure what to write, but i really wanted to post something so…

okay first off: Troye Sivan’s new album ‘Blue neighborhood’ came out last week; it’s amazing, i love it and i highly recommend it.

secondly: iv’e been so up and down recently, i have no idea how to get a grip of my emotions, but i hope i manage soon. The last few days have been a bit of a down, probably because iv’e been so stressed about mocks and i really don’t think i did very well in any of my exams. I really want to sort myself out and i have been seriously thinking about going to my GP and talking about depression and self harm because i want to know if it really is depression or if how iv’e been feeling for the last few years is down to something else; and most of all i want to be able to get better and go back to my old, happy self.  What do you guys think? i really don’t know what i should do, i definitely don’t want to talk to my parents about it and preferably they don’t find out at all.

thirdly: thank you so much everyone who reads this blog, it means so much to me and having over 60 followers is amazing!

Let me know what i should write about, as i often have trouble coming up with topics and the majority of my posts end up being jumbles messes!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Late night thoughts 

Hi everyone 

This isn’t going to be the most cheerful of posts, mainly because I’ve been feeling quite down again. 

I was thinking about how much I hate my life, and I realised I don’t; I have a great life, I have a roof over my head, parents that love and care for me and there’s always food in the fridge, and I have my own horse. I have more than most. I don’t hate my life at all, I am so greatful for everything I have, even if I’m not very good at showing people how much I appreciate them. I guess I realised that I hate myself, not the people around me, and definitely not my life. I am the problem, not them. And it’s completely unfair of me to blame my problems on them. They didn’t cause my depression. They didn’t make me start hurting myself. That was all me. 

I hate that for so long I was trying to blame my sadnes on everyone else. But I’m glade I’m able to accept it. I wish I was a better person and showed all of my friends and family how much I love them, but sadly feelings aren’t a thing I’m good with.

Thank you for reading

The small quiet one X

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