Uncategorized

Alevels & music

Hello lovely people!

Iv’e been desperate to write a post for a while, but i haven’t had the time. Sixth form is still exhausting, the last two weeks seem to have been particularly difficult for some reason. Chemistry is still a hell lesson, i am so behind and confused constantly it’s so frustrating, not to mention the fact that Butt Crack just seems to understand everything instantly and I’m sat next to her not even sure if our teacher is speaking in English. Other than chemistry, my other subjects are going pretty well, biology is quite hard work but i enjoy it and my class is so fun, I’m also so glad i chose to do geography, and Spanish is pretty fun.

I’m really trying to make grades mean less to me as i have a tendency to really obsess and put all of my self worth into test results, which is pretty awful when your getting D’s in Chemistry. I also focus a lot more on how badly i do rather than the things I’m doing well in. Like, i will very quickly get over the A in Geography or Biology, and just put it down to the test being easy. But then when i get a D or an E in Chemistry it really makes me miserable, it becomes all i can think of and it makes me feel like such a failure. Hopefully i can start actually learning and moving foreword from tests, and use that as motivation to do better next time, instead of letting it upset me and make me want to quit.

As you all know (and are probably very sick of hearing about), Ed Sheeran’s new album came out last week, it is sooooooo good! I love all of the songs so much, but my favorites are probably eraser, happier, hearts don’t break around here and castle on the hill. I can’t explain how much Ed Sheeran’s music means to me, I’ve been a massive fan for around 6 years now, and his music has helped me get through some really tough times. I’m so proud of how well he’s done, the first time i saw him live it was in a tiny venue in London and i was sat pretty far back and we were still so close, yet only a few years later he sold out Wembley Stadium three days in a row. I am so excited and grateful that i was lucky enough to get tickets to see him this May, i cannot wait to see what he does this time, he is the most incredible performer. Other news in music also, Halsey has said that she will be releasing an Album in June, which i can’t wait for either! and hopefully there will also be a new Melanie Martinez album before the end of the year!

This summer i am also really hoping to go to Reading festival with a few of my friends, the line up seems pretty good, and Halsey is going to be performing which i am very happy about since she had to cancel her set at Vfestival last year. It would be the first time i go camping at a music festival which is super exciting and it will be so much fun! I just need to find a way to make enough money to pay for the ticket! I know a lot of people think that i got to too many concerts and that I’m wasting my money, but honestly i find that concerts are the moments in my life where i feel at my happiest and most relaxed. Its so easy to forget about how all the small things that sit on my shoulders and weigh me down, while I’m belting out the lyrics to the songs that i relate to and that have a meaning to me. Its a feeling that i miss from the second i leave the venue. I love being able to escape from reality and be in a bubble of joy and excitement for those few hours.

Sorry this post is so random!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

 

Standard
Uncategorized

2016 

Hello!

So this post, although a bit overdue, is going to be reminiscing on the last year.

Overall I think that 2016 was a bit of a dodgy year for everyone, especially in regards to politics. Personally however, I think 2016 was decent, it definitely wasn’t the best year but looking back there are a lot of moments and memories that I will cherish forever.

In 2016 I was lucky enough to see quite a few concerts, music is a massive part of my life and I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. Being able to see the people behind the beautiful lyrics is amazing, their songs have made the painful moments more bearable and others have made the brilliant moments have an great soundtrack. I always have such a feeling of freedom during concerts, being able to scream along to every word, dance like a crazy person and just be the most care free I’ve ever been; all the while surrounded by people who feel exactly the same as me, it’s incredible. 

It’s so crazy to think that in 2016 I revised my butt off, sat my GCSE’s and got my results, that all seems like such a distant memory. I am still very pleased with my GCSE results and I’m so glad that all my revision payed off, I’m still not sure how I managed to pull of an A in maths though. GCSE’s were a rollercoaster of stress, but at the end of it I had the most wonderful night at my prom and a delightful extra long summer holiday, which definitely made all the revision worth it. I had such a wonderful summer and I spent a lot of it with my friends which was lovely, especially since many of us parted ways in September when some people went to different sixth forms. 

Obviously I also started sixth form in 2016, so far it’s just been extremely stressful. However there are a few perks- no more uniform is a pretty great one, free periods are also good fun, but having the option to leave the school grounds to get food, or just leave early if my lessons are done for the day, has got to be my favourite. I also made some new friends in 2016 as our classes are now much smaller, but also a mixture of all the forms (years 7-11 my lessons were almost exclusively a mixture of only 3 or 4 forms and there are 8 forms in total) so a lot of people I only knew of because I would walk past them every now and then, are people I see every day and spend a lot of time with, I think this has been quite nice as I think my year group as a whole, has become a lot closer.

I think a pretty big one is… I survived. There have been points during this year where I’ve felt like giving up, where things have fallen apart and where I’ve slipped back into bad ways of thinking. I know this is pretty obvious looking back at my posts throughout this year. I’m proud of making it this far, and actually being able to feel proud for getting here, there were so many moments where I was so unhappy that I honestly didn’t want to be alive anymore, but I got through it. I’ve gotten stronger and I think that I’ve gotten the voices under control a little bit more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

2017 I think has gotten off to a good start. I spent New Year with my family in Argentina and has such an amazing time, despite the humidity being at like 80% and my hair refusing to cooperate. Also I’m living for the return of Ed Sheeran, I haven’t been okay since he posted that bloody blue square on instagram, I LOVE the new singles and I cannot wait until March 3rd for the new album! 

I ALSO MANAGED TO GET PRESALE TICKETS TO SEE HIM IN CONCERT OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going with my friend Abby who I went to see Ed Sheeran with in like June/July 2015, although this year we’re going to be standing which I’m beyond excited about. So far I’ve never been standing at an Ed Sheeran concert, but I think standing is going to be much more fun and the atmosphere is amazing in standing from what I’ve experienced at other concerts. This will be my 4th time seeing Ed Sheeran live, and I’m losing my mind, I cannot believe how lucky I was to manage to get tickets. I cannot explain how amazing he is live oh my god, I can already feel how amazing this new album is going to be, and I know me and Abby are going to be messes throughout; I say this because I literally sobbed when I heard ‘castle on the hill’. 

Sixth form is still a bit of a struggle, I’m drowning in homework and tests and revision, but I am really enjoying most of my subjects (bar chemistry which is a literal nightmare). I love that I get to but all of my energy into these subjects which I actually want to do, rather than spending hours worrying about maths or drama or English, when they are subjects that I have not interest in. I’m definitely struggling to get back into the rhythm of independent study etc… after Christmas, but I’m slowly getting there.

I am very sorry for the lack of posts (as usual), but things have been pretty hectic lately, but I am trying, and I really do want to keep blogging and hopefully I’ll start posting more regularly at some point.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Sad & busy bee

Hello! 

I know it’s been a while but sixth form is super demanding at the moment and I’m still trying to get to grips with it I guess. 

It’s been hard, I’ve been feeling like crap. But hopefully soon I’ll get into a routine and I’ll start to feel a bit happier. On the plus side my classes are all with nice people and my teachers all all nice and relatively good. There’s just so much to keep up with, we get a lot more independent work, which was expected, it’s just not letting it stack up. I can’t really afford to procrastinate anymore. I feel like I haven’t actually been relaxed since school started back again, and i think that’s what making me feel so unhappy and trapped. 

Recently the whole depression things seems to be making a bit of a comeback and that’s really scary, because I really thought I was going to okay. I’ve been through years of self harm and self hatred and i thought I had really gotten over it, that the thoughts of hurting myself wouldn’t come back. But they have. And boy have they come back with a bang. I’ve been trying to make a bit of a joke of it with Butt Crack, but I think she knows that when I say ‘oh my god I want to die’ there’s a bit of truth. I know that suicide isn’t the best option and I’m not planning on it, but most of the time i would just rather not exist. I don’t want to die, I want to not exist. 

And I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just spoiled and whatever, I know I am lucky, I have supportive parents and everything I could ever need and much much more. I know I have a great life and I’m unbelievably lucky; it’s me and my brain that’s the problem. I hate myself. I wish I was different in so many ways. I wish I was nicer, friendlier, more outgoing, prettier, slimmer, more tolerant… Happier. I want to be a better person, but I don’t know what I can do to change myself, there’s so much I want to change. Obviously with all this recently I’ve been wanting to hurt myself, but to be quite honest I’ve been to busy, I don’t have time to hurt myself, and I guess in a way that’s a good thing; because I know that if I start again, it’s going to make me feel worse in the long run and it’s going to be incredibly hard to stop. And I don’t want to have to be paranoid if I wear shorts in case they rise a bit and expose scars, I don’t want to avoid going swimming when I go on holiday at Christmas, I can’t risk my mum seeing.  

I really don’t know how often I’m going to be posting, but please be patient with me. I miss blogging so much and I’m really sorry that i keep disappearing.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard
Uncategorized

Melanie Martinez and a lil update

Hey guys!

Its been a while!

As I mentioned in my last post, i went to see Melanie Martinez in concert a few weeks ago, me and butt face/hole (i don’t remember what her name is anymore) being the obsessive fans we are, woke up at 5.15 in the morning to get the 6.30 train into London, to be at the venue for around 8am. Please take into consideration that doors didn’t open until 7 pm. We were second in line behind a group of girls who had arrived at 6 in the morning to start lining up. Sadly since i live a bit further away from London its pretty impossible for me to have gotten there any earlier. Me and butt face/hole took the first train that we could. We spent all 9 hours in the line, laughing and eating really, we were pretty well prepared, we took blankets with us to put on the floor and to keep us warm because its England.

So the venue (o2 forum Kentish town) was a bit of a mess, not gonna lie, they were super disorganized and kept telling us that there was no o2 priority line (all you need is an O2 sim card and you and two extras get let in before general admissions, and since my friend is on o2 we were planning to make the best of it). So we chilled at the front of the general line all day. Then… half an hour before doors, an o2 priority line magically appeared, by this time me and butt face/hole were buddies with the group in front of us, and they asked one of the venue staff why people were being put into a priority line now, when there was hundreds of priority people who had been told there wasn’t a priority line and were sent to line up in general. The guy told us that the priority line was for people who were arriving at the time (half a fucking hour before doors), we were all super frustrated because why on earth should people arriving half an hour before doors be allowed in before people who had been waiting since 6 in the morning! The staff at the venue were very rude and unhelpful and refused to help us and explain what was happening because we were being ‘mouthy’, personally i wasn’t really saying anything, i was just trying not to cry out of pure frustration; and i didn’t think the  girls were being rude at all; we just wanted to understand the situation and why it was happening.

Anyway… all that kerfuffle aside, we were finally let in, luckily at the same time as priority, not after, and me and butt hole/face were in the second row behind the barrier. Sadly the girls behind us were determined to get to the front and started kicking me and my friend in the back of the leg, i also clearly heard one of them say ‘if we annoy them enough they will get out of our way’, when water was being passed along just before Melanie came out, one of the girls tipped one of the cups of water down my back, and later on did the same down the back of my leg. Luckily me and butt face/hole managed to move/be shoved away from them.

When Melanie came out everyone went mental including myself and butt face/hole. during the first few songs everyone was pushing and shoving so me and butt face/hole ended up a few rows further back, but it was a bit more chilled and enjoyable from further back so it wasn’t really a bad thing. Melanie was incredible and her staging was really cool and me and butt face/hole had an amazing time.

When we were leaving i overheard a lady who had been in the balcony sitting say that she had seen three people be pulled out of the audience because they were being crushed. It was definitely the most intense concert I’ve been to, which i didn’t really expect. But i still have a great time regardless, i just hope the people who got pulled out are okay.

I’m also super excited because i got tickets to Saturday V-fest, which means I’ll be seeing Troye Sivan and Halsey again, and Sia is also performing which im super excited about! Me and Butt face/hole also got tickets to see Melanie Martinez again in November, and its at a completely different venue, which i am happy about! hopefully we will be able to enjoy the whole concert this time!

In other news, I’ve only got 7 exams left! I cannot wait to be finished with my GCSE’s and enjoy a really fun and long summer.

Basically the moral of this post it: don’t got to o2 forum Kentish town for concerts: the staff are rude and its badly organised. Its the same venue i went to see Troye Sivan at, and that was also poorly organised and the staff were really rude to my friend.

Hopefully I’ll be doing much more blogging over summer, when i have absolutely nothing to revise for 🙂

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Ps. I will leave the link to some videos I took from Melanie Martinez here:

Standard
Uncategorized

A-levels strike again

Hi,

Valentine’s Day is a pretty strange day to be writing something like this but oh well 😄 as some of you may remember, a while ago i did a post called ‘A-level terror’ or something like that; I guess this can be considered the sequel 😂

This time i’m really just stressed and unsure if iv’e made the right choices; obviously i can still change the subjects i want to do at A-level as its still far off. But i have no longer got any idea what i want to do. I’m pretty solid on Biology, Geography and Spanish and those are all subjects that i enjoy, and find relatively easy. Since for a long time iv’e wanted to peruse veterinary, i would have to take chemistry as my fourth subject, however i do not enjoy chemistry, nor am i particularly good at it, but it is a requirement for vet courses at university. Recently iv’e been switching a lot between wanting to do chemistry or psychology; i did a taster day of psychology at the end of year ten, and it seemed like a really interesting subject, however if i were to take psychology that would mean that i cannot apply for veterinary anymore. I have been questioning whether i still actually want to be a vet anymore, or whether i’m just telling myself i want to because it’s the only plan iv’e ever had. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else, but at the same time, it is very difficult to get  into, and i don’t have the top grades; and even once your in, there aren’t many jobs available, and the pay is low despite that amount of work that you have to put into it. So i have no idea if i should just completely ditch the idea of being a vet, or if it’s worth sticking out two years of chemistry, which will probably be quite a lot of work since its not one of my best subjects; and attempt to get into veterinary, which was my dream for a very long time.

This whole situation is incredibly stressful, and i’m getting more worried as time passes. I’m really lost, and i no longer know in which direction i want my life to go. I’m only 15 for crying out loud, i shouldn’t have to make such big and important decisions so early!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

Standard
Uncategorized

It’s been a bad day

Hi guys,

Today has definitely not been the best.

*possible trigger warning*

I had a lady out today to check my horses back, she’s dropped a lot of weight in the past 2/3 weeks, so her saddle really isn’t fitting her right and it’s been making her very uncomfortable. She told me that there is some concussion on her spine from where the saddle has been hitting, she also said Belle had a lot of other soreness across her back and shoulders. This lady (i’m going to call her Ann from now on) has seen Belle before, once around a year and a half ago, and once two and a half years ago, she is really nice, and i really trust what she has to say; she said that Belle looks much better than she did when we rescued her, but for having been almost three years, her back is still lacking muscle, earlier in the year she did have quite a bit more, but the sudden weight loss seems to have really reduced her top line. The weight loss may have been caused by her Cushings disease, she only has it very mildly and she is on medication for it, but it’s still a possibility.

Ann also told me that my trainer, despite being very good with the beginning phases of training, isn’t very good at the later stages, which is what i am currently doing with Belle. I have noticed that Belle and my progress has slowed down dramatically for around the last year, but i really like my instructor, and i would hate to stop having lessons with her; but we just don’t seem to be advancing anymore. The lady who owns the livery where Belle is kept, also started talking to Ann and they both started to complain about my instructor and i was just caught in the middle; i didn’t know what to say, as they were making valid points, and maybe it is time for me and Belle to try a different trainer to carry on improving, but it just made me really uncomfortable. Ann took one look at Belle and told me that i couldn’t keep riding her until she has put on enough weight and that i would then need to get her saddle refitted; just yesterday i had a lesson, and my trainer didn’t notice the state of Belle’s back; maybe i should have, but i didn’t realise how bad it was.

I feel like iv’e really failed as an owner, i’m meant to be looking after Belle, and i am to the best of my ability, but maybe i’m just not good enough. I’m so angry at myself for not taking better care of her. I’m also really upset about the whole trainer situation; i think i might start trying to find a new dressage instructor to work with, as i think it will probably be for the best. I just want to cry, Belle is my world, and she has helped me through so much, she gives me something to look forward to everyday, and a lot of the time, knowing that Belle is relying on me to come and look after her, feed her etc… has stopped me doing some pretty serious things. I don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to upset any one involved with Belle. While i was at the stables with Ann and the yard owner i was holding back tears the whole time, because i just felt, and still feel so useless. When i got home, i stopped feeling like i was going to cry, and now the thoughts of hurting myself are back. I think this whole situation has been made worse by the fact that i’m so stressed with revision at the moment. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Standard