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A-levels strike again

Hi,

Valentine’s Day is a pretty strange day to be writing something like this but oh well ๐Ÿ˜„ as some of you may remember, a while ago i did a post called ‘A-level terror’ or something like that; I guess this can be considered the sequel ๐Ÿ˜‚

This time i’m really just stressed and unsure if iv’e made the right choices; obviously i can still change the subjects i want to do at A-level as its still far off. But i have no longer got any idea what i want to do. I’m pretty solid on Biology, Geography and Spanish and those are all subjects that i enjoy, and find relatively easy. Since for a long time iv’e wanted to peruse veterinary, i would have to take chemistry as my fourth subject, however i do not enjoy chemistry, nor am i particularly good at it, but it is a requirement for vet courses at university. Recently iv’e been switching a lot between wanting to do chemistry or psychology; i did a taster day of psychology at the end of year ten, and it seemed like a really interesting subject, however if i were to take psychology that would mean that i cannot apply for veterinary anymore. I have been questioning whether i still actually want to be a vet anymore, or whether i’m just telling myself i want to because it’s the only plan iv’e ever had. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else, but at the same time, it is very difficult to get  into, and i don’t have the top grades; and even once your in, there aren’t many jobs available, and the pay is low despite that amount of work that you have to put into it. So i have no idea if i should just completely ditch the idea of being a vet, or if it’s worth sticking out two years of chemistry, which will probably be quite a lot of work since its not one of my best subjects; and attempt to get into veterinary, which was my dream for a very long time.

This whole situation is incredibly stressful, and i’m getting more worried as time passes. I’m really lost, and i no longer know in which direction i want my life to go. I’m only 15 for crying out loud, i shouldn’t have to make such big and important decisions so early!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

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It’s been a bad day

Hi guys,

Today has definitely not been the best.

*possible trigger warning*

I had a lady out today to check my horses back, she’s dropped a lot of weight in the past 2/3 weeks, so her saddle really isn’t fitting her right and it’s been making her very uncomfortable. She told me that there is some concussion on her spine from where the saddle has been hitting, she also said Belle had a lot of other soreness across her back and shoulders. This lady (i’m going to call her Ann from now on) has seen Belle before, once around a year and a half ago, and once two and a half years ago, she is really nice, and i really trust what she has to say; she said that Belle looks much better than she did when we rescued her, but for having been almost three years, her back is still lacking muscle, earlier in the year she did have quite a bit more, but the sudden weight loss seems to have really reduced her top line. The weight loss may have been caused by her Cushings disease, she only has it very mildly and she is on medication for it, but it’s still a possibility.

Ann also told me that my trainer, despite being very good with the beginning phases of training, isn’t very good at the later stages, which is what i am currently doing with Belle. I have noticed that Belle and my progress has slowed down dramatically for around the last year, but i really like my instructor, and i would hate to stop having lessons with her; but we just don’t seem to be advancing anymore. The lady who owns the livery where Belle is kept, also started talking to Ann and they both started to complain about my instructor and i was just caught in the middle; i didn’t know what to say, as they were making valid points, and maybe it is time for me and Belle to try a different trainer to carry on improving, but it just made me really uncomfortable. Ann took one look at Belle and told me that i couldn’t keep riding her until she has put on enough weight and that i would then need to get her saddle refitted; just yesterday i had a lesson, and my trainer didn’t notice the state of Belle’s back; maybe i should have, but i didn’t realise how bad it was.

I feel like iv’e really failed as an owner, i’m meant to be looking after Belle, and i am to the best of my ability, but maybe i’m just not good enough. I’m so angry at myself for not taking better care of her. I’m also really upset about the whole trainer situation; i think i might start trying to find a new dressage instructor to work with, as i think it will probably be for the best. I just want to cry, Belle is my world, and she has helped me through so much, she gives me something to look forward to everyday, and a lot of the time, knowing that Belle is relying on me to come and look after her, feed her etc… has stopped me doing some pretty serious things. I don’t know what to do, and i don’t want to upset any one involved with Belle. While i was at the stables with Ann and the yard owner i was holding back tears the whole time, because i just felt, and still feel so useless. When i got home, i stopped feeling like i was going to cry, and now the thoughts of hurting myself are back. I think this whole situation has been made worse by the fact that i’m so stressed with revision at the moment. I don’t know.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Update

Hey! 

First off, I accidentally deleted my January post thinking I was only deleting an old draft, I was very wrong. I probably won’t be re writing it or posting it again, but the monthly posts will continue! 

In other news, school is still stressful af, GCSE’s are looming and I am drowning in revision, however have absolutely no motivation to do any. I have a geography exam today and then a history exam on Friday. They are only end of unit tests, but I still want to do well. I managed to churn out 7/8 pages of geography revision notes yesterday, now I need to start history ๐Ÿ˜ญ. 

Other than exam stress school is going pretty well, only one moe week before February half term! Then at least I won’t have to wake up at 7am. Me and my friend may also use the opportunity to go prom dress shopping, as once exams get closer, there won’t be any time. I have no idea what kind of dress I want, I’m not a fan of the mermaid style dresses, and I don’t want it to be a super bright colour, but at the same time I don’t want it to be super plain; basically, shopping is going to be a nightmare. Luckily I’m going with Buttcrack, and she is pretty much the same as me, and also has no idea what she wants for a dress. If I find a dress I might show you guys, if your interested, that is ๐Ÿ˜„

Sorry if this post is a bit random and pointless, i just really wanted to write something.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Revision tips and tricks!

hi!

as you may know, i am currently in year 11, that means that this year i will be taking my GCSE’s. I have recently started revising as there is so much i need to cover.

I always find it easier to concentrate if my desk area, and the rest of my room is tidy, so before i start revising i usually tidy up quickly. It makes my mind feel less cluttered and i feel that i revise more efficiently when my room is tidy.

I personally like to revise by making revision notes, if you do this to, i highly recommend using lots of different colours. I like to change colour when the topic changes, this way my notes are slightly more fun to read over and all of the different topics can be easily distinguished

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I bought myself a set of Muji gel pens to use when making revision notes, because the colours are really bright and they are really easy to write with.

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I also find it really useful to make posters with key information (eg. maths equations, historic dates etc…) ย and stick them on my wardrobe, this way i cant help but look at it, and it is easy to look over and remember the information quicker. I also used coloured sharpies to make these posters so that they would be super easy to read and also not boring to look at.

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while i was revising for my mocks in December, i didn’t have enough time to revise everything in depth, for R.E (religious education) i recorded myself saying key religious beliefs and attitudes and then listened to the recording while i was going to sleep. I found this really useful and i found that i remembered the quotes that i needed to much easier. I will probably use this technique again with historic dates, or facts i will need for Geography case studies.

revision techniques vary a lot from person to person, i find that listening to music quietly in the background helps me to revise better, however a lot of my friend say that they need it to be silent to study well. I also don’t find it useful to take breaks, personally once i start revising i get into the ‘zone’ and taking breaks just reminds me of all the other things i would rather be doing. But if you are a person who works better with regular breaks, i would recommend making yourself a timetable so after revising for a certain amount of time, you give yourself a short break, and then go back to studying. I also think it is also best to have a bottle of water near by when you are revising, because it is quite easy to forget to drink if you are busy with lots of work. I would also avoid revising late at night as it is less likely for the information to stick in your brain, and you will just feel tired and grumpy the next day.

Basically, find what works for you, and maybe give a few of these techniques a try is your struggling! Revision can be pretty boring, and not many people enjoy it; but it has to be done, and it’ll be worth it.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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life update

hello!

i haven’t done a general ramble in quite a while, so i thought it was probably about time!

School is going okay i guess, although i think iv’e become really intolerant and i keep getting really irritated with people, even though they haven’t done anything wrong. I’m also really worried about GCSE’s at the moment because they aren’t really that far away, yet i cant seem to make myself start revising; i think iv’e been stressed for so long, that iv’e become numb to the feeling. i want to do well so badly, i just need to start working soon, otherwise i’m not going to get the grades i’m hoping for. Between all of the homework iv’e been receiving lately and looking after my horse, i think that me and Belle (one of my closest friends who moved away a year and a half ago) have drifted apart quite a lot; Belle, my other closest friend and I have a group chat, we used to talk on it all of the time but recently its just been the odd message here and there, that usually doesn’t get replied to for a while. I guess we are all so busy that there just isn’t time anymore. I’m really hoping that once all of this GCSE rubbish is over, that the chat will get used a lotย more. To be honest, i doubt this is the end of our little trio because we are all really close and we will probably be visiting her over summer; i guess i’m still getting used to the fact that she isn’t near me anymore, and that she is just as busy as i am. As you can probably tell, i don’t deal with change very well.

with regards to my mental state, i have absolutely no idea if i’m depressed; sometimes i feel so down that it feels like it can’t be anything but depression; then other times i don’t feel anything at all, and then sometimes i feel pretty alright. It seems to just depend on the day. I don’t want to be one of those people who self-diagnose; the only way for me to know if i am clinically depressed is to go to my GP, but that is a terrifying thought. I’ve been searching on the internet about signs and symptoms, and to be completely honest i experience a lot of them on a day to day basis. I am always tired, i have lost interest in some of the things i used to love doing, i get irritated and frustrated easily, and i often feel like the world would be better off without me. I don’t know.

On a more cheerful note, it’s less than one month until i go to the Halsey concert! i really cant wait, and i know its going to be amazing!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Thoughtful friends

hi guys!

a while ago, whenever i was feeling low, my friend would always send me these quotes about the things i was dealing with and going through; they always helped me a lot, and it meant so much to me that she went through the trouble of finding them. In this post i have found a few of my favorites and hopefully some of you guys may like them, or find them helpful with whatever you may be going through.

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I really liked this one because it made me remember that i am not defined by my body and for a long time i have struggled with my appearance and body, and i still do; this photo was just a nice reminder that eased some of the pain. It also helped me to distance myself from my negative feelings and it also reminded me that my friends care more about my personality than the way i look.

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When my friend sent me this i thought it was so sweet of her, especially because i often care too much about silly things, and i let things get to me way more than i should. I take a lot of what people say to heart, even if it isn’t about me.

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She sent me this one day when we were talking over text and i was in a really bad place, i finally told her that i had been having thought of killing myself, i didn’t plan on doing it, but the thoughts were there. I remember that i felt so alone and useless and i felt as though everyone hated me and that there was no way anyone could ever like me, let alone love me; we talked for a long time, and she helped me a lot; this picture was really nice to have to look back on when the thoughts started to come back, as it was a good reminder that at least one person would care if i died.

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she sent me this one while i was having difficulty explaining why i started self harming to her, and she was really understanding and she didn’t pressure me to tell her the whole story or go into detail which was nice.

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again much like a few of the others, this one was a good reminder that there are people who care about me, and that some people really will stick with me through everything.

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She sent me this one and a few others at the same time, i just really liked it because i know a lot of people who i think deserve to be happier than they are; and it also reminded me of how lucky i am to have such a wonderful and caring friend, who just wants me to be my old self again.

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This one was really important for me, because i am always ashamed of the fact that i self harm, and i think that who ever i tell will instantly hate me, or think i’m crazy. I cant thank her enough for being there for me through the worst times, and being my friend, despite my baggage.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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Mock results ๐Ÿ˜ญ

Hello!

I got my results for the mocks I did before Christmas on Friday, so this post is a bit overdue ๐Ÿ˜„ but I was so nervous, I don’t think I did as well as I could have to be quite honest.

I managed to get all of my grades at a B or above, however that is my current grade, what I actually got in the exam may be slightly higher or lower, as for a lot of my classes they also have to factor in coursework. I was really hoping for an A in maths as I’ve been stuck at a B grade for a long time, sadly I got a B again, but I know that it’s not a bad grade, and with maths being one of my worst subjects, I hadn’t done too bad. I was pretty happy with a B in history though, especially since in the mocks we did in year 10 I got a D, the fact that my coursework got an A probably helped a lot to, and I think my teacher was feeling a bit generous ๐Ÿ˜„ what I am most proud of is the A* I got in science, because at the 6th form open evening not long ago, my science teacher told me and my mum that she didn’t think I would be able to get a good enough science grade to get into a vet course at university; so I revised my butt of, and it definitely payed off! 

I am really going to try to get all A’s and A*’s in my actual GCSEs, so I’m going to have to work really hard and do a lot of revision, but hopefully it will be worth it! ๐Ÿ˜Š

I hope no one thinks I am trying to brag of boast in this post! I thought you guys might be interested, and I know a lot of people are going through similar things with mocks and GCSEs etc… 

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

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