As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.
I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.
I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:
In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.
Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.
I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.
Thank you for reading!
The small quiet one X
P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂