A lil update

Hello again!

For once, it actually hasn’t been thaaaaaaat long since my last post.

Since that post i have unfortunately had to return to sixth form, how does summer always fly by so fast! As you may know, i took chemistry, biology, geography and Spanish for Alevel last year, and everything was going relatively well, except for chemistry. I cant’t remember how much detail i went into about the situation, but chemistry is certainly not my forte as i have since found out. I pretty much stayed consistently between a C and E grade throughout year 12, which isn’t really ideal to say the least. It also took up a huge amount of my time between lessons, homework and independent study. I think this also started to have an impact on my other classes, as in our end of year mocks i got a B in geography and biology and an A in Spanish, which isn’t bad, but i spent most of my time revising for chemistry, yet only came out of mocks with an E. I feel as though if i hadn’t had to stress so much about chemistry, then maybe i could have done a little better in my other subjects. It also feels like such a waste of my time and effort to get an E after i really did try my hardest, so i was super disappointed . I think chemistry really wore me down and was starting to make me really hate going to school because i knew i wouldn’t understand anything, and that i probably would end up failing my A level. Because of all of this, i have dropped chemistry, and oh my god is it a relief. I don’t think i had quite realized how much it was affecting my mental health and the way i felt about school. I now have more time to fully apply myself to my other subjects, and i don’t feel as awful about going to sixth form anymore.

It was a really hard decision to make, as i was worried i was closing doors on myself; especially with respect to choosing a degree, as for a lot of science based degrees you need two sciences at A level to even be considered. Luckily iv’e found a couple of different routes that i can take that don’t require chemistry. My current favorite is therapeutic radiography, which only requires one science! If any of you are in a situation similar to mine, and really can’t cope anymore, there really is no shame in cutting back on a subject. I’m beyond happy with the decision i made. Obviously if your really set on a set degree/apprenticeship/job that has strict requirements, then try to stick it out, maybe ask your teachers for extra help, or even try tutoring if you can (although i think that can get pretty pricey).

Unfortunately, despite having gotten rid of the bane of my existence, a new enemy has come along in the form of the geography NEA (Non examined assessment), which is basically just coursework from hell on steroids. It really does suck, and since this is the first the exam boards have done this, my teachers aren’t really aren’t sure of what is expected from us. We all have to choose our own question to investigate, which can be related to absolutely anything in the syllabus; which sounds pretty nice; but i just found it incredibly scary as its so open and easy to choose a dead end question that then makes the rest of the project even worse.

In other news, iv’e recently been absolutely LOVING an artist called Billie Eilish, she recently released an EP with her brother called ‘don’t smile at me’, and its amazing! If you haven’t listened to her yet then you definitely should. Her voice is incredible, and shes only 15! I think people have said shes pretty similar to Halsey or Lorde, so if your into that kind of music then you’ll definitely like her! She’s actually playing a show in London in November, but i was too slow and sadly i didn’t manage to get tickets, but next time she does a show in the UK i’m definitely going! I just need to force my friends to listen to her music too.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Music festival fun!

Hi! 

So over a weekend, I spent 5 days camping in a field in England for a big music festival, and honestly I had a wonderful time!

Camping has never really been my thing, I discovered that while partaking in Duke of Edinburgh with my school in year 10/11, however; when I’m actually getting something out of it (seeing Halsey live) it’s actually much more bearable than I originally thought. The friend I went with has a pretty nice tent and it’s one of those easy set up tents which was a blessing, I’m not sure if I could have coped with the nightmare I went through putting up a normal tent on DofE, it was a real struggle. Since we were pretty late arriving to the campsite we didn’t have much choise about where to set up our tent so we ended up right next to the path, which is not ideal when your trying to sleep and thousands or drunk or high teenagers are walking past all through the night; it’s safe to say we got fallen on an awful lot (those awful god foresaken guy ropes that do nothing but nearly kill you at 2 in the morning certainly did not help). I’m a crazy deep sleeper though so I didn’t find out about our tent being crushed until the next morning when my friend asked me how the hell it didn’t wake me up. 

On the first day of the festival we saw a band called the Amazons, nether me of my friend new who they were but they were pretty good! I also saw Anne Marie, who opened for Ed Sheeran when I saw him in May, she was amazing and has such a good energy, plus all her songs are super catchy! Then at the main stage we saw two door cinema club, Bastille (who were incredible btw) and Kasabien. On day 2 there wasn’t anyone that either me or my friend were too desperate to see so we stayed in the comedy tent for a while which was good fun, and also a welcome break from all the standing 😂. We saw King No One who are a pretty small band, but they are really good and their set was really fun. Then at the main stage we saw Major Lazer and then Eminem, they were both really fun sets even though I don’t know many songs by either of them, although you best believe I screamed ‘moms spaghetti’ with force during Eminem. I was most excited for day three though because Halsey way playing, as anticipated, she was INCREDIBLE, she played songs from both her albums, and its safe to say I was on cloud 9 the whole time. The hunna also played a (not so) secret set during the day which was really good, but we also went to see them headlining one of the smaller stages and again they were brilliant! 

For having been my first time camping at a music festival I think it went really well and I had sooooo much fun! However obviously you have to be careful and there is so much room for things to go wrong, lucky for us no one broke into our tent and we left the campsite with all our belongings. There’s also the vast amount of people at these festivals that are either very drunk or very high, and all of my belongings did absolutely stink of weed by the end of the festival, however I didn’t have any problems with anyone really, we had a few people come up to us and ask if we were selling anything etc, but other than that people do pretty much just stay within their groups and personally I didn’t feel scared or intimidated at any point. 

Just a few notes for anyone who may be going to a music festival soon or even next summer: 

1. Don’t forget to pack a swimming costume and flip flops for the showers! I completely forgot and since the showers are completely communal, I had to resort to lots of baby wipes and a water bottle hair wash/shower 😂 (not gonna lie though it did work pretty well and we didn’t have to wait in the massively long shower line).

2. The toilets (especially in the campsite) are honestly vile, I gagged every time I set foot in one, and let me tell you that by the 3rd or 4th day they really do reek, at the festival I went to there was also no toilet paper or sinks/hand sanitiser, so definitely remember to bring lots, I had already anticipated this thankfully! Also as much as being near the toilets may seem convenient when setting up your tent on the first day (when the toilets don’t smell like a rotting corpse), don’t do it, you will regret it later. Me and my friend set up our tent pretty far from the toilets (thank god) but oh how I feel for those who had set up within a 20 meter radius of the toilets. 

3. If your a female then there is a chance that you may be on your period during a music festivals. I was one of those unlucky gals, and although I could’ve cried at the thought of having to spend even a mere second more than necessary in those ghastly toilets, it is manageable and it can be done, I promise!

4. If you want to actually sleep, I suggest not setting up your tent near any of the main paths, and also bring ear plugs and an eye mask 😂

5. Don’t bring anything valuable that you won’t be able to have on you at all times! Fanny packs are the way foreward tbh 😂

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Music festival prep!

Hi! 

So in a couple of weeks time I’m going to be heading off to a music festival for 5 days of camping (3 days of actual festival, 1 day either side for set up/packing away). I’ve never acually camped at a music festival before but I’m SUUUUUUUPER excited!! Basically this post is going to be a list of the things I plan on taking with me, so hopefully this may be useful to any of you that are also going to a festival this summer, or you could let me know if I’ve left out anything vital! 

I’m travelling to the venue by train which means I’m going to have to try and get all my stuff to fit into my camping bag (thanks DofE).

Me and my friend are going to be sharing her tent, so that’s one less thing for me to worry about at least! 

General suff

• Tent
• Sleeping bag
• Ground mat
• Ticket 
• Portable phone charger 
• Torch & batteries
• Camping chair (if I can actually be bothered to carry it on the day)
• Bin bags 
• Water bottle 
• Blanket 
• Cash & card
• ID

Toiletries 

• Wet wipes (and lots of them too😂) 
• Toilet roll 
• Toothbrush and toothpaste 
• Mini shampoo and conditioner (if I actually brave the showers only time will tell, and if not, for a delightfull hair wash using my friend and a water bottle) 
• Sunscreen (provided it’s not pissing it down the whole weekend)
• Plasters
• Dry shampoo (incase the showers really are shocking or if the queue is really long)
• Pain killers and hay fever tablets
• Hair brush & hair bands 
• Hand sanitiser 

Clothing 

• 3 snazzy outfits for the actual festival days 
• Jogging bottoms/leggings for return day
• Rain coat because England 
• Wellies because England 
• Trainers that I’ll probably already have on 
• Flip flops (again… incase I decide to brave the showers) 
• Sweatshirt for the evenings 
• Underwear
• Sleep wear (possibly even thermals lmao I get cold easily)
• Might even take a wooly hat to stop heat loss in the night 😂
• Sun hat/sun glasses
• Lots and lots of socks 
• Bum bag (livin that hands free life) 
• GLITTER 

I’ve also heard it’s a good idea to take vaporub to put under your nose before entering the toilets because they are RANK. So I may also end up doing that 😂 one trip to the loo at Vfest was enough to scar me for life so we’ll see how I cope with 5 days 😭

This list is pretty long so I’m not sure if I’ll actaually be able to make everything fit in my bag, but at least having a list seems to have silenced the constant nagging of ‘your going to forget everything and probably die’… for now; I’m sure it will come back with a vengeance once I’m in a field in the middle of nowhere (mild exaggeration, there’s a town like 20 minutes walk from the venue). The fact that there is a town so close is a pretty big comfort though as if I do end up forgetting something, then I can always just buy it from the nearest Tesco. I also haven’t included any food on my list as me and my friend are planning on just buying some cereal bars and snacks on our way to the camp site to avoid having to carry the extra weight for our entire journey there. And although food and drink is going to be expensive inside the arena… I do not trust myself with a single use barbecue and potential food poisoning. 

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X 

A long overdue catch up

Hello friends!

As usual, there has been a pretty big gap in posts, unfortunately I’ve been super busy since i had A-level mock exams all this week which have been stressing me out for quite a while. I had my last 2 mocks yesterday so i have today off which is so nice! And tomorrow my school has set up a career orientated day with lots of talks and stuff.

I feel as though most of my mocks didn’t really go as well as i would have liked, especially physical geography, which has actually been going pretty well up until now which is so frustrating. I revised all of the topics as best as i could, and the second i started trying to answer the questions i completely forgot everything. Its so frustrating as i spent so much time revising, and in the end none of it was worth it. Chemistry was also a bit of a flop, but i didn’t really expect much else from chemistry, especially since I’ve been struggling so much with it recently. My human geography, Spanish and biology exams were slightly more successful, although I’m still not sure if I’m actually going to hit any of my target grades.

I’ve been trying really hard to try not to let mocks get me down, but I’m just finding it so hard to let it go, i feel like I’ve really let myself down. I got so incredibly stressed last week and i got to the point of just wanting to give up, I’m pretty sure the stress caused me to get ill as i spent a few days feeling very nauseous and headachey, although every mock or exam season i seem to get ill, which makes sitting in a gross exam hall for an hour and a half very unpleasant.

The pressure to start making career and university decisions is also getting pretty intense which I’m not too keen on. I still don’t have a clue what i want to do, what subject to study and where i want to go for university. Unfortunately i haven’t had much time to go to open days due to revision, and lots of open days actually collided with my mocks which was pretty inconvenient. Iv’e been to one open day so far, but all of the subject talks got full super quickly so i didn’t really get much of an idea on that front. I think i may be going to another open day this weekend, but again, most of the talks are already full, so iv’e just had to book the subjects that aren’t really what i was aiming for, but still mildly related :’) .

Other than all the horrible exam and future stress, which thankfully is now overrrrrrrr, all is well. Halsey and Lorde released new albums, which are both incredible! And, as i mentioned in my last post, I WENT TO SEE ED SHEERAN!! Being the dedicated fan i am, i got in the line at 6:30 am and managed to get 24th in the queue! My friend joined me in line a few hours later as she had an interview first thing in the morning. The opening acts were Ryan McMullan and Anne Marie, i had never hear of Ryan before, but he was really good! I also really enjoyed Anne Marie’s set, especially as i already know quite a few of her songs, she was also super funny. Obviously Ed Sheeran was incredible and being front row made the whole experience completely unforgettable.

Now if you follow Ed Sheeran, you may also know he was doing another show in London on June 22nd as part of the O2 arena’s 10th anniversary celebration, I didn’t manage to get tickets for this show as he only posted about it on twitter, which i didn’t have at the time (I learnt my lesson and made a twitter account) and resale tickets were going for over £200, which as much i love Ed Sheeran, was not going to happen. However literally 2 days before the concert i went back onto the resale site and they had dropped the prices of all the remaining tickets down to the original price, and so i bought 2 tickets! Unfortunately my friend couldn’t get the day off from work, so my mum came along instead as shes also a big fan of Ed Sheeran. Again, i woke up super early to go the the venue and i got there for 7:30 and i was 18th in line! (my mum had work and also didn’t want to be far forward out of fear of being squished) The two groups of girls in front of me in the line were lovely, so i sat and talked to them for the day. The opening act was a DJ/singer called Fuse ODG, he was really fun and his music was really up beat. And yet again, Ed Sheeran was incredible.

I cant believe i got so lucky and was able to go and see  Ed Sheeran twice in the space of a few weeks, but i am so unbelievably happy and all those hours in line was absolutely worth it!! In addition Fred got us tickets to see Lorde in September for the Melodrama tour, which i am super excited for! I’ve never seen Lorde live before, but Fred has, and apparently she is great!

I’m so sorry that my posts are always so inconsistent and i also haven’t really been able to keep up with everyone else blogs, but I’m trying to catch up at the moment! Now that school stress has calmed down a bit, hopefully ill be able to blog more often and do posts that are a bit more structured and about something other than concerts! (I apologies if music and concerts aren’t your cup of tea seeing as that’s the only constant in any of my blog posts!)

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

Alevels & music

Hello lovely people!

Iv’e been desperate to write a post for a while, but i haven’t had the time. Sixth form is still exhausting, the last two weeks seem to have been particularly difficult for some reason. Chemistry is still a hell lesson, i am so behind and confused constantly it’s so frustrating, not to mention the fact that Butt Crack just seems to understand everything instantly and I’m sat next to her not even sure if our teacher is speaking in English. Other than chemistry, my other subjects are going pretty well, biology is quite hard work but i enjoy it and my class is so fun, I’m also so glad i chose to do geography, and Spanish is pretty fun.

I’m really trying to make grades mean less to me as i have a tendency to really obsess and put all of my self worth into test results, which is pretty awful when your getting D’s in Chemistry. I also focus a lot more on how badly i do rather than the things I’m doing well in. Like, i will very quickly get over the A in Geography or Biology, and just put it down to the test being easy. But then when i get a D or an E in Chemistry it really makes me miserable, it becomes all i can think of and it makes me feel like such a failure. Hopefully i can start actually learning and moving foreword from tests, and use that as motivation to do better next time, instead of letting it upset me and make me want to quit.

As you all know (and are probably very sick of hearing about), Ed Sheeran’s new album came out last week, it is sooooooo good! I love all of the songs so much, but my favorites are probably eraser, happier, hearts don’t break around here and castle on the hill. I can’t explain how much Ed Sheeran’s music means to me, I’ve been a massive fan for around 6 years now, and his music has helped me get through some really tough times. I’m so proud of how well he’s done, the first time i saw him live it was in a tiny venue in London and i was sat pretty far back and we were still so close, yet only a few years later he sold out Wembley Stadium three days in a row. I am so excited and grateful that i was lucky enough to get tickets to see him this May, i cannot wait to see what he does this time, he is the most incredible performer. Other news in music also, Halsey has said that she will be releasing an Album in June, which i can’t wait for either! and hopefully there will also be a new Melanie Martinez album before the end of the year!

This summer i am also really hoping to go to Reading festival with a few of my friends, the line up seems pretty good, and Halsey is going to be performing which i am very happy about since she had to cancel her set at Vfestival last year. It would be the first time i go camping at a music festival which is super exciting and it will be so much fun! I just need to find a way to make enough money to pay for the ticket! I know a lot of people think that i got to too many concerts and that I’m wasting my money, but honestly i find that concerts are the moments in my life where i feel at my happiest and most relaxed. Its so easy to forget about how all the small things that sit on my shoulders and weigh me down, while I’m belting out the lyrics to the songs that i relate to and that have a meaning to me. Its a feeling that i miss from the second i leave the venue. I love being able to escape from reality and be in a bubble of joy and excitement for those few hours.

Sorry this post is so random!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

 

Forgive meeeeee

Hello!

It been a while! (that seems to be how all my posts start, sorry!) As always, iv’e been busy studying and i simply haven’t had time to write a post. Iv’e missed blogging a lot and iv’e also missed reading everyone’s posts.

Since i last posted quite a bit has happened!

I went to see Melanie Martinez in concert last month, she was absolutely amazing and me and my friends didn’t get almost crushed to death like the last time, which made the whole experience even more brilliant.

Tiz also came to visit me and Butt Crack in London, the day didn’t really go as planned, but we still had an amazing day!

Me and Butt Crack had planned to go to the Lazy Oaf sample sale in the morning (Lazy Oaf is a really cute, independent clothing store in London, their stuff is pretty expensive, so we wanted to hit up the yearly sale) since Tiz wasn’t arriving in London until around 1:30. The sale was taking place a pretty long tube ride away from the center but we made it in the end, only to find ourselves faced by an enormous line to get in, so sadly we had to abandon and just go and meet Tiz and we wouldn’t have enough time. Once we met up with Tiz and exchanged some very tight hugs and “Iv’e missed you so much”es we headed to a vegan cafe we had found which do really big, extravagant (and somehow vegan) milkshakes, however we found it was absolutely bursting when we go there, so that was another plan that had to be abandoned. We then headed to Oxford Street and Regents Street to look at the Christmas lights and displays, and they definitely didn’t disappoint! Everywhere looked absolutely stunning and all the shops were so pretty! By the time we were all done looking around the shops, we decided to head to Winter Wonderland which is a massive Christmas fair, trust us to choose the busiest time to turn up, apparently winter wonderland is buzzing at 7:30 pm because the line was absolutely enormous, so yet again, we abandoned that plan and ended up chatting and laughing our heads off in a Starbucks. We then got the train back to my house and both Tiz and Butt Crack spent the night. Then very sadly Tiz had to head back home on the Sunday morning as she lives so bloody far away!

Although our plans didn’t really work out, we still had the most wonderful time; to be honest i could be doing anything with those two girls and we would still have a great time. I never really realise how much i miss her, but when i was finally able to hug her after not seeing her for like 8 months, oh boy was i close to tears.

The night before all that fun stuff, my friend Ellie was having a get together/very mini house party. Since she has moved to another college, some of her new friends were there as well as Butt Crack and a few people who also used to be at my school and also moved. All of her friends were really lovely. There was alcohol around and some people did end up getting pretty drunk, i personally haven’t ever drunk a lot, but i did have a bit, however the idea of not being in control is pretty scary for me, so iv’e never let myself get super drunk. It was a really fun night, and i managed to find out about whose seeing who and whose ‘talking to’ who, which is always interesting!

In other news, the mental health situation has been pretty odd lately, i have days where i feel like iv’e got everything under control and then i have days where i feel like everything is falling apart. Iv’e lost virtually all motivation but then i also get super worried and i make myself stressed because iv’e got so much to do and yet i just can’t bring myself to do it. Iv’e gotten to the point where i open my eyes in the morning and all i can think is ‘i cannot wait to get back into bed later’, although i’m sure a lot of people can relate to that feeling!

I’m really sorry i haven’t been posting, i promise i will try to post a bit more often, my Christmas holiday is coming up so hopefully i’ll have a bit more time then!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

My insecurities in pictures

Hello!

This post is incredibly personal but I also feel as though it it very necessary. There are some parts that may be triggering so please read with caution. 

Through blogging you get to know people, and you get to know them very well because most people share things over their blog that they wouldn’t share in their day to day life. I write posts that are far far far more personal and deep than anything I will ever tell my closest friends. However whenever I imagine what all of those lovely bloggers look like, it seems so easy to forget that they have flaws and imperfections too, because when you imagine what someone looks like you rarely add on those little things that make everyone so different from one another. 

As someone who is very shy and also has always had a lot of issues with my appearance this post has been very scary to make, but I have decided that it is so important that I’m going to but my own fears aside. In this post are pictures of parts of myself that I am insecure about or things that I conciser flaws in myself (please excuse the underwear that is visible in some). I feel like I need to share these, because it’s so easy to get wrapped up in self hatred through feeling as though everyone else is perfect, even though perfection doesn’t really exist. I’m hoping that this will help at least one person come to terms with their appearance just a little bit more.

The two bellow pictures are of my right and left upper thighs, they both have old scars on them.

I have also included a picture of my entire thighs because they are my biggest insecurity. I hate my legs. I feel as though they are too big and I have always wished for a ‘thigh gap’.

This is a patch of darker skin above my belly button, I have no idea where it came from or why it’s there, but I really don’t like it.

These are some stretch marks on the inside of my thigh, I was so upset and ashamed when I noticed them. 

I’ve always hated this odd spot thing on the side of my neck and it always makes me hate wearing tops that have low neck lines.

My hands are another big insecurity, i hate how short and stumpy my fingers are.

My hair, as much as I like the length and colour, it’s really thin and lacks volume, I’m always scared I’m going bald as there isn’t much of it.

This is an area of spot on my shoulder, they make me feels really self conscious if I’m wearing anything with thin straps or if I’m in a swimming costume.

I’ve never really liked my stomach, but my big issue at the moment is my waist/hips, I really wish I had a more defined waist or wider hips.

All of the images above are perfectly normal, and the only reason I actually want to change any of them is really because of the media and the idea that the only way to be beautiful is to look like the models in magazines. I really wish I found it easier to ignore those images and just love my body as it is, but it’s not that easy; we all deal with our insecurities, and they may not ever go away, but maybe learning to accept them will help me become at least a little bit happier with myself. I really hope these pictures will be of some use, I just really want to help normalise these aspects of the human body and hopefully in the future they won’t have to be considered flaws any more. 

I really hope this post hasn’t upset or offended anyone as that is certainly not my intention, but if I have please let me know and I will make any changes as soon as I can. 

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

A few sparse thoughts

Hello wonderful people!

It’s been quite a while! I know that’s pretty much how all my posts start, sorry 😂

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you will know that one of my super close friends moved away two and a half years ago, she now lives around 5 hours away from me and I miss her very much. But in a strange way I feel as though it was for the best; she’s been able to do so much more music related stuff since moving since her schools took it so much more seriously than mine, and music really is her passion so I guess in that sense it’s worked out really well. But at the same time I would give anything to be just be able to see her everyday like I used to; yet I also feel like this has made me appreciate our friendship so much more, I know that this is a friendship that matters and is going to last because we’re still close despite the miles between us. Me, Tiz and Butt Crack are a little trio, and it always makes me laugh how whenever we manage to visit each other and we are all reunited again, it instantly feels like nothing has changed, even though our group chat may be dead for days at a time when we’re all busy with school work and stuff, none of that seems to make a difference. It was her birthday recently and me and Butt Crack have sent her a packag with some cute little gifts, she’s coming to visit for a weekend soon and we’re going to visit winter wonderland in London which I am soooooo excited for! I’ve never been to winter wonderland before, but it looks amazing! And being with my two best friends means it’s going to be truly memorable. 

I’ve had a really nice week away from school, but it’s now Saturday night and oh my god am I dreading going back to school on Monday. Because I’m the queen of procrastination I’ve obviously left the vast majority of my homework until tomorrow, clearly not a smart move. I’ve also got a biology test on Monday so that’s not looking great. I think I’ve just completely stopped feeling stress, or I’ve at least become immune to it, maybe I’ve been desensitised. Who knows.

Since school is so shit at the moment and doesn’t really show any signs of letting up I’ve already started planning what I want to do in summer 2017. At the moment the top priority is music festivals, since I had such a good time at V-fest. Ebony has invited me and Butt Crack to Reading festival with her and a group of her friends from her new college, I’ve met them before and they are all really nice, so I really hope I can go! Twenty one pilots did reading festival this year so I’m really hoping they do next year! I also really want  to go to V-festival again, it was such a good festival and the line up was so good, festivals are just so much fun! It is also currently only 22 days until I see Melanie Martinez in concert again, I can’t wait, last time I went to see her, me and Butt Crack almost got crushed, so hopefully this time it will be a bit more enjoyable (there’s a whole post about it somewhere). Concerts honestly are my favoutite thing, it’s like a whole nother level of escapism and I love it so much.

I’ve been listening to lots of music lately and I have to recommend Anne-Marie to everyone, I absolutely love the song alarm and she’s recently done a new song with clean bandit and Sean Paul called rockabye and she sounds so good!!

Sorry this post is so disjointed, I really wanted to write but I’m also really tired. This also hasn’t been proof read so if some parts may not make any sense 😄 I promise a better post will be coming soon, I’ve got lots of emotions at the moment so I’m sure that will make for a slightly better post.

Thank you for reading! 

The small quiet one X

Sad & busy bee

Hello! 

I know it’s been a while but sixth form is super demanding at the moment and I’m still trying to get to grips with it I guess. 

It’s been hard, I’ve been feeling like crap. But hopefully soon I’ll get into a routine and I’ll start to feel a bit happier. On the plus side my classes are all with nice people and my teachers all all nice and relatively good. There’s just so much to keep up with, we get a lot more independent work, which was expected, it’s just not letting it stack up. I can’t really afford to procrastinate anymore. I feel like I haven’t actually been relaxed since school started back again, and i think that’s what making me feel so unhappy and trapped. 

Recently the whole depression things seems to be making a bit of a comeback and that’s really scary, because I really thought I was going to okay. I’ve been through years of self harm and self hatred and i thought I had really gotten over it, that the thoughts of hurting myself wouldn’t come back. But they have. And boy have they come back with a bang. I’ve been trying to make a bit of a joke of it with Butt Crack, but I think she knows that when I say ‘oh my god I want to die’ there’s a bit of truth. I know that suicide isn’t the best option and I’m not planning on it, but most of the time i would just rather not exist. I don’t want to die, I want to not exist. 

And I don’t want anyone to think that I’m just spoiled and whatever, I know I am lucky, I have supportive parents and everything I could ever need and much much more. I know I have a great life and I’m unbelievably lucky; it’s me and my brain that’s the problem. I hate myself. I wish I was different in so many ways. I wish I was nicer, friendlier, more outgoing, prettier, slimmer, more tolerant… Happier. I want to be a better person, but I don’t know what I can do to change myself, there’s so much I want to change. Obviously with all this recently I’ve been wanting to hurt myself, but to be quite honest I’ve been to busy, I don’t have time to hurt myself, and I guess in a way that’s a good thing; because I know that if I start again, it’s going to make me feel worse in the long run and it’s going to be incredibly hard to stop. And I don’t want to have to be paranoid if I wear shorts in case they rise a bit and expose scars, I don’t want to avoid going swimming when I go on holiday at Christmas, I can’t risk my mum seeing.  

I really don’t know how often I’m going to be posting, but please be patient with me. I miss blogging so much and I’m really sorry that i keep disappearing.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X