A lil update

Hello again!

For once, it actually hasn’t been thaaaaaaat long since my last post.

Since that post i have unfortunately had to return to sixth form, how does summer always fly by so fast! As you may know, i took chemistry, biology, geography and Spanish for Alevel last year, and everything was going relatively well, except for chemistry. I cant’t remember how much detail i went into about the situation, but chemistry is certainly not my forte as i have since found out. I pretty much stayed consistently between a C and E grade throughout year 12, which isn’t really ideal to say the least. It also took up a huge amount of my time between lessons, homework and independent study. I think this also started to have an impact on my other classes, as in our end of year mocks i got a B in geography and biology and an A in Spanish, which isn’t bad, but i spent most of my time revising for chemistry, yet only came out of mocks with an E. I feel as though if i hadn’t had to stress so much about chemistry, then maybe i could have done a little better in my other subjects. It also feels like such a waste of my time and effort to get an E after i really did try my hardest, so i was super disappointed . I think chemistry really wore me down and was starting to make me really hate going to school because i knew i wouldn’t understand anything, and that i probably would end up failing my A level. Because of all of this, i have dropped chemistry, and oh my god is it a relief. I don’t think i had quite realized how much it was affecting my mental health and the way i felt about school. I now have more time to fully apply myself to my other subjects, and i don’t feel as awful about going to sixth form anymore.

It was a really hard decision to make, as i was worried i was closing doors on myself; especially with respect to choosing a degree, as for a lot of science based degrees you need two sciences at A level to even be considered. Luckily iv’e found a couple of different routes that i can take that don’t require chemistry. My current favorite is therapeutic radiography, which only requires one science! If any of you are in a situation similar to mine, and really can’t cope anymore, there really is no shame in cutting back on a subject. I’m beyond happy with the decision i made. Obviously if your really set on a set degree/apprenticeship/job that has strict requirements, then try to stick it out, maybe ask your teachers for extra help, or even try tutoring if you can (although i think that can get pretty pricey).

Unfortunately, despite having gotten rid of the bane of my existence, a new enemy has come along in the form of the geography NEA (Non examined assessment), which is basically just coursework from hell on steroids. It really does suck, and since this is the first the exam boards have done this, my teachers aren’t really aren’t sure of what is expected from us. We all have to choose our own question to investigate, which can be related to absolutely anything in the syllabus; which sounds pretty nice; but i just found it incredibly scary as its so open and easy to choose a dead end question that then makes the rest of the project even worse.

In other news, iv’e recently been absolutely LOVING an artist called Billie Eilish, she recently released an EP with her brother called ‘don’t smile at me’, and its amazing! If you haven’t listened to her yet then you definitely should. Her voice is incredible, and shes only 15! I think people have said shes pretty similar to Halsey or Lorde, so if your into that kind of music then you’ll definitely like her! She’s actually playing a show in London in November, but i was too slow and sadly i didn’t manage to get tickets, but next time she does a show in the UK i’m definitely going! I just need to force my friends to listen to her music too.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Music festival fun!

Hi! 

So over a weekend, I spent 5 days camping in a field in England for a big music festival, and honestly I had a wonderful time!

Camping has never really been my thing, I discovered that while partaking in Duke of Edinburgh with my school in year 10/11, however; when I’m actually getting something out of it (seeing Halsey live) it’s actually much more bearable than I originally thought. The friend I went with has a pretty nice tent and it’s one of those easy set up tents which was a blessing, I’m not sure if I could have coped with the nightmare I went through putting up a normal tent on DofE, it was a real struggle. Since we were pretty late arriving to the campsite we didn’t have much choise about where to set up our tent so we ended up right next to the path, which is not ideal when your trying to sleep and thousands or drunk or high teenagers are walking past all through the night; it’s safe to say we got fallen on an awful lot (those awful god foresaken guy ropes that do nothing but nearly kill you at 2 in the morning certainly did not help). I’m a crazy deep sleeper though so I didn’t find out about our tent being crushed until the next morning when my friend asked me how the hell it didn’t wake me up. 

On the first day of the festival we saw a band called the Amazons, nether me of my friend new who they were but they were pretty good! I also saw Anne Marie, who opened for Ed Sheeran when I saw him in May, she was amazing and has such a good energy, plus all her songs are super catchy! Then at the main stage we saw two door cinema club, Bastille (who were incredible btw) and Kasabien. On day 2 there wasn’t anyone that either me or my friend were too desperate to see so we stayed in the comedy tent for a while which was good fun, and also a welcome break from all the standing 😂. We saw King No One who are a pretty small band, but they are really good and their set was really fun. Then at the main stage we saw Major Lazer and then Eminem, they were both really fun sets even though I don’t know many songs by either of them, although you best believe I screamed ‘moms spaghetti’ with force during Eminem. I was most excited for day three though because Halsey way playing, as anticipated, she was INCREDIBLE, she played songs from both her albums, and its safe to say I was on cloud 9 the whole time. The hunna also played a (not so) secret set during the day which was really good, but we also went to see them headlining one of the smaller stages and again they were brilliant! 

For having been my first time camping at a music festival I think it went really well and I had sooooo much fun! However obviously you have to be careful and there is so much room for things to go wrong, lucky for us no one broke into our tent and we left the campsite with all our belongings. There’s also the vast amount of people at these festivals that are either very drunk or very high, and all of my belongings did absolutely stink of weed by the end of the festival, however I didn’t have any problems with anyone really, we had a few people come up to us and ask if we were selling anything etc, but other than that people do pretty much just stay within their groups and personally I didn’t feel scared or intimidated at any point. 

Just a few notes for anyone who may be going to a music festival soon or even next summer: 

1. Don’t forget to pack a swimming costume and flip flops for the showers! I completely forgot and since the showers are completely communal, I had to resort to lots of baby wipes and a water bottle hair wash/shower 😂 (not gonna lie though it did work pretty well and we didn’t have to wait in the massively long shower line).

2. The toilets (especially in the campsite) are honestly vile, I gagged every time I set foot in one, and let me tell you that by the 3rd or 4th day they really do reek, at the festival I went to there was also no toilet paper or sinks/hand sanitiser, so definitely remember to bring lots, I had already anticipated this thankfully! Also as much as being near the toilets may seem convenient when setting up your tent on the first day (when the toilets don’t smell like a rotting corpse), don’t do it, you will regret it later. Me and my friend set up our tent pretty far from the toilets (thank god) but oh how I feel for those who had set up within a 20 meter radius of the toilets. 

3. If your a female then there is a chance that you may be on your period during a music festivals. I was one of those unlucky gals, and although I could’ve cried at the thought of having to spend even a mere second more than necessary in those ghastly toilets, it is manageable and it can be done, I promise!

4. If you want to actually sleep, I suggest not setting up your tent near any of the main paths, and also bring ear plugs and an eye mask 😂

5. Don’t bring anything valuable that you won’t be able to have on you at all times! Fanny packs are the way foreward tbh 😂

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Alevels & music

Hello lovely people!

Iv’e been desperate to write a post for a while, but i haven’t had the time. Sixth form is still exhausting, the last two weeks seem to have been particularly difficult for some reason. Chemistry is still a hell lesson, i am so behind and confused constantly it’s so frustrating, not to mention the fact that Butt Crack just seems to understand everything instantly and I’m sat next to her not even sure if our teacher is speaking in English. Other than chemistry, my other subjects are going pretty well, biology is quite hard work but i enjoy it and my class is so fun, I’m also so glad i chose to do geography, and Spanish is pretty fun.

I’m really trying to make grades mean less to me as i have a tendency to really obsess and put all of my self worth into test results, which is pretty awful when your getting D’s in Chemistry. I also focus a lot more on how badly i do rather than the things I’m doing well in. Like, i will very quickly get over the A in Geography or Biology, and just put it down to the test being easy. But then when i get a D or an E in Chemistry it really makes me miserable, it becomes all i can think of and it makes me feel like such a failure. Hopefully i can start actually learning and moving foreword from tests, and use that as motivation to do better next time, instead of letting it upset me and make me want to quit.

As you all know (and are probably very sick of hearing about), Ed Sheeran’s new album came out last week, it is sooooooo good! I love all of the songs so much, but my favorites are probably eraser, happier, hearts don’t break around here and castle on the hill. I can’t explain how much Ed Sheeran’s music means to me, I’ve been a massive fan for around 6 years now, and his music has helped me get through some really tough times. I’m so proud of how well he’s done, the first time i saw him live it was in a tiny venue in London and i was sat pretty far back and we were still so close, yet only a few years later he sold out Wembley Stadium three days in a row. I am so excited and grateful that i was lucky enough to get tickets to see him this May, i cannot wait to see what he does this time, he is the most incredible performer. Other news in music also, Halsey has said that she will be releasing an Album in June, which i can’t wait for either! and hopefully there will also be a new Melanie Martinez album before the end of the year!

This summer i am also really hoping to go to Reading festival with a few of my friends, the line up seems pretty good, and Halsey is going to be performing which i am very happy about since she had to cancel her set at Vfestival last year. It would be the first time i go camping at a music festival which is super exciting and it will be so much fun! I just need to find a way to make enough money to pay for the ticket! I know a lot of people think that i got to too many concerts and that I’m wasting my money, but honestly i find that concerts are the moments in my life where i feel at my happiest and most relaxed. Its so easy to forget about how all the small things that sit on my shoulders and weigh me down, while I’m belting out the lyrics to the songs that i relate to and that have a meaning to me. Its a feeling that i miss from the second i leave the venue. I love being able to escape from reality and be in a bubble of joy and excitement for those few hours.

Sorry this post is so random!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

 

 

Skincare

Hey!

So this post is going to be about my daily skincare routine, mainly because i really wanted to write a post and also i absolutely loveeeeee skincare products.

So i wash my face every morning and evening using the Nivea cream wash in the evening and the refreshing wash in the morning, neither of these are exfoliating washes, which i prefer as its not very good for your skin to exfoliate everyday. I usually exfoliate every 2/3 days using the Body Shop seaweed exfoliating scrub or the Burt’s bees peach and willow tree scrub (this one doesn’t have any micro beads, so its better for the environment! The exfoliant is very small bits of willow bark).

For a moisturizer in the evening i use the Embryolisse lait creme concentrate, its not the cheapest around but its also not super expensive and i feel like a very good moisturizer, it lasts long and iv’e never had any problems with it. In the morning in summer when my skin is slightly more oily i like to use the seaweed oil control creme from the Body Shop and in the colder months where my skin is a bit dryer i use the vitamin E moisturizer, also from the Body Shop. Both of these moisturizers are super light weight and absorb super quickly, i can’t stand my face feeling sticky for very long so i absolutely love these moisturizers, and luckily they aren’t super expensive either.

I also have 2 eye creams that i use in the morning and evening. In the morning i use the vitamin E eye cream from the Body Shop, this is also very fast absorbing like the moisturizer, and i feel like it makes my eyes less puffy in the morning. In the evening i currently use the Lanocreme vitalizing eye cream, i bought it for around £2.50 in T.K Maxx because i was wasn’t sure what would work, i personally think its a nice eye cream, especially for the price and it definitely keeps my eyes looking a lot more human, although i think i may try out a few different eye creams to see what other formulas can do for my skin, before choosing a favorite.

For cleanser and toner, which i have to admit is a step that i often skip on if i’m feeling lazy or tired (which is most days), i use the Liz Earle hot cloth cleanser and instant boost toner, they leave my skin feeling so nice and clean as well as soft and glowy. I absolutely love them and i definitely think they are worth the money, even though they are a bit more on the pricey side. Iv’e also used the Nivea cleanser and toner before, which is less time consuming and i also liked it quite a lot, all in all cleansing and toning just isn’t something i do daily anymore because i usually leave doing skin care until just before i go to sleep and i usually cant be bothered.

As with cleansing and toning, i also don’t use face masks very often, although i wish i did. They are so nice and relaxing and i know my skin would appreciate it! I just don’t really have time anymore, since A-levels have taken over my life.

I recently purchased the Mario Badescu drying lotion for spots, i absolutely adore it! You just put a little bit on spots or where a spot is coming and it makes them go away so much quicker. I don’t usually have super bad skin, but when i do get a spot it works miracles, i found it works really well on hormonal breakouts (girlsssss ya feel me??), my skin does like to go absolutely CRAZY once a month.

I hope this post has been kind of useful! All these are just my personal opinions and what i feel works best for my skin. Let me know if you’ve used or are considering using any of these products, or any of your favourite skin care products as i love trying out new skincare. I know that some people may think that i’m a bit excessive with my skincare, but its something that i really enjoy and i love my skin feeling soft and looking nice.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

2016

Hello!

So this post, although a bit overdue, is going to be reminiscing on the last year.

Overall I think that 2016 was a bit of a dodgy year for everyone, especially in regards to politics. Personally however, I think 2016 was decent, it definitely wasn’t the best year but looking back there are a lot of moments and memories that I will cherish forever.

In 2016 I was lucky enough to see quite a few concerts, music is a massive part of my life and I honestly don’t know what I would do without it. Being able to see the people behind the beautiful lyrics is amazing, their songs have made the painful moments more bearable and others have made the brilliant moments have an great soundtrack. I always have such a feeling of freedom during concerts, being able to scream along to every word, dance like a crazy person and just be the most care free I’ve ever been; all the while surrounded by people who feel exactly the same as me, it’s incredible. 

It’s so crazy to think that in 2016 I revised my butt off, sat my GCSE’s and got my results, that all seems like such a distant memory. I am still very pleased with my GCSE results and I’m so glad that all my revision payed off, I’m still not sure how I managed to pull of an A in maths though. GCSE’s were a rollercoaster of stress, but at the end of it I had the most wonderful night at my prom and a delightful extra long summer holiday, which definitely made all the revision worth it. I had such a wonderful summer and I spent a lot of it with my friends which was lovely, especially since many of us parted ways in September when some people went to different sixth forms. 

Obviously I also started sixth form in 2016, so far it’s just been extremely stressful. However there are a few perks- no more uniform is a pretty great one, free periods are also good fun, but having the option to leave the school grounds to get food, or just leave early if my lessons are done for the day, has got to be my favourite. I also made some new friends in 2016 as our classes are now much smaller, but also a mixture of all the forms (years 7-11 my lessons were almost exclusively a mixture of only 3 or 4 forms and there are 8 forms in total) so a lot of people I only knew of because I would walk past them every now and then, are people I see every day and spend a lot of time with, I think this has been quite nice as I think my year group as a whole, has become a lot closer.

I think a pretty big one is… I survived. There have been points during this year where I’ve felt like giving up, where things have fallen apart and where I’ve slipped back into bad ways of thinking. I know this is pretty obvious looking back at my posts throughout this year. I’m proud of making it this far, and actually being able to feel proud for getting here, there were so many moments where I was so unhappy that I honestly didn’t want to be alive anymore, but I got through it. I’ve gotten stronger and I think that I’ve gotten the voices under control a little bit more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

2017 I think has gotten off to a good start. I spent New Year with my family in Argentina and has such an amazing time, despite the humidity being at like 80% and my hair refusing to cooperate. Also I’m living for the return of Ed Sheeran, I haven’t been okay since he posted that bloody blue square on instagram, I LOVE the new singles and I cannot wait until March 3rd for the new album! 

I ALSO MANAGED TO GET PRESALE TICKETS TO SEE HIM IN CONCERT OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going with my friend Abby who I went to see Ed Sheeran with in like June/July 2015, although this year we’re going to be standing which I’m beyond excited about. So far I’ve never been standing at an Ed Sheeran concert, but I think standing is going to be much more fun and the atmosphere is amazing in standing from what I’ve experienced at other concerts. This will be my 4th time seeing Ed Sheeran live, and I’m losing my mind, I cannot believe how lucky I was to manage to get tickets. I cannot explain how amazing he is live oh my god, I can already feel how amazing this new album is going to be, and I know me and Abby are going to be messes throughout; I say this because I literally sobbed when I heard ‘castle on the hill’. 

Sixth form is still a bit of a struggle, I’m drowning in homework and tests and revision, but I am really enjoying most of my subjects (bar chemistry which is a literal nightmare). I love that I get to but all of my energy into these subjects which I actually want to do, rather than spending hours worrying about maths or drama or English, when they are subjects that I have not interest in. I’m definitely struggling to get back into the rhythm of independent study etc… after Christmas, but I’m slowly getting there.

I am very sorry for the lack of posts (as usual), but things have been pretty hectic lately, but I am trying, and I really do want to keep blogging and hopefully I’ll start posting more regularly at some point.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Forgive meeeeee

Hello!

It been a while! (that seems to be how all my posts start, sorry!) As always, iv’e been busy studying and i simply haven’t had time to write a post. Iv’e missed blogging a lot and iv’e also missed reading everyone’s posts.

Since i last posted quite a bit has happened!

I went to see Melanie Martinez in concert last month, she was absolutely amazing and me and my friends didn’t get almost crushed to death like the last time, which made the whole experience even more brilliant.

Tiz also came to visit me and Butt Crack in London, the day didn’t really go as planned, but we still had an amazing day!

Me and Butt Crack had planned to go to the Lazy Oaf sample sale in the morning (Lazy Oaf is a really cute, independent clothing store in London, their stuff is pretty expensive, so we wanted to hit up the yearly sale) since Tiz wasn’t arriving in London until around 1:30. The sale was taking place a pretty long tube ride away from the center but we made it in the end, only to find ourselves faced by an enormous line to get in, so sadly we had to abandon and just go and meet Tiz and we wouldn’t have enough time. Once we met up with Tiz and exchanged some very tight hugs and “Iv’e missed you so much”es we headed to a vegan cafe we had found which do really big, extravagant (and somehow vegan) milkshakes, however we found it was absolutely bursting when we go there, so that was another plan that had to be abandoned. We then headed to Oxford Street and Regents Street to look at the Christmas lights and displays, and they definitely didn’t disappoint! Everywhere looked absolutely stunning and all the shops were so pretty! By the time we were all done looking around the shops, we decided to head to Winter Wonderland which is a massive Christmas fair, trust us to choose the busiest time to turn up, apparently winter wonderland is buzzing at 7:30 pm because the line was absolutely enormous, so yet again, we abandoned that plan and ended up chatting and laughing our heads off in a Starbucks. We then got the train back to my house and both Tiz and Butt Crack spent the night. Then very sadly Tiz had to head back home on the Sunday morning as she lives so bloody far away!

Although our plans didn’t really work out, we still had the most wonderful time; to be honest i could be doing anything with those two girls and we would still have a great time. I never really realise how much i miss her, but when i was finally able to hug her after not seeing her for like 8 months, oh boy was i close to tears.

The night before all that fun stuff, my friend Ellie was having a get together/very mini house party. Since she has moved to another college, some of her new friends were there as well as Butt Crack and a few people who also used to be at my school and also moved. All of her friends were really lovely. There was alcohol around and some people did end up getting pretty drunk, i personally haven’t ever drunk a lot, but i did have a bit, however the idea of not being in control is pretty scary for me, so iv’e never let myself get super drunk. It was a really fun night, and i managed to find out about whose seeing who and whose ‘talking to’ who, which is always interesting!

In other news, the mental health situation has been pretty odd lately, i have days where i feel like iv’e got everything under control and then i have days where i feel like everything is falling apart. Iv’e lost virtually all motivation but then i also get super worried and i make myself stressed because iv’e got so much to do and yet i just can’t bring myself to do it. Iv’e gotten to the point where i open my eyes in the morning and all i can think is ‘i cannot wait to get back into bed later’, although i’m sure a lot of people can relate to that feeling!

I’m really sorry i haven’t been posting, i promise i will try to post a bit more often, my Christmas holiday is coming up so hopefully i’ll have a bit more time then!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Social butterfly (someday)

hello!

As my blog suggests i am a short and shy person, and this continues to be true due to a lack of growth spurts (I’m still holding out hope though) and a fear of new people.

I don’t think I’ve always been as shy as i am now, I’m pretty sure it was when i changed from primary school to secondary school that i became much quieter, but that may have something to do with coming from a tiny primary school to quite a big secondary school. I’m not shy at all with people i know really really well like Butt Crack and Tiz because they have been part of my life for so long and i know that they will stick around through anything. The issue with me is people i either don’t know at all or people that i sort of know, and because i went to a pretty big secondary school there are a LOT of people i only knew a little bit. I actually think I’m worse with acquaintances than strangers.

I think I’m going to use an example to illustrate what I’m going on about because i fear I’m not making any sense:

In year 8 i met a boy who shall be called Alex, he was in a friendship group with Nia, Millie and Bob among others and i spent a lot of time with them; since I’ve known Nia and Millie for a really long time i  was already really comfortable with them, but i found it really hard to talk to Alex and Bob because i was always scared of saying something wrong or irritating them or something. In year 9 me and Alex were sat next to each other in German, he’s a really friendly and quite a chatty person so he was always trying to start up conversations and i really appreciated the effort he went to and i really tried to join in as well, but i just found it so nerve wracking. In year 10 and part of year 11 we were sat together again but in Maths, we had like 4 or 5 hours of maths a week so we were together an awful lot, by this stage i was starting to feel a little bit more comfortable and i actually started being able to laugh and joke with him, which was really nice. By the end of year 11 i was pretty happy, but i was still reserved. To be quite honest now that me and Alex are in Spanish together i think i can finally say that i don’t feel scared to talk to him anymore, its taken 4 years, but i can finally actually enjoy talking to him. I think Alex has considered us friends since year 8, and i guess i did to, but its only really recently that the anxiety has gone away, and i think now i can really consider him a friend.

Now that I’m in sixth form, there are less people and all my classes are smaller so I’m being forced to get to know more people, and as scary as it is, it’s probably not a bad thing. I love the idea of being a really open and social person, I’ve always been jealous of Hatty because it just seemed so easy for her to make friends, she was one of those people that likes everyone and everyone likes her. I just wish i didn’t find opening up to people so difficult, i think iv’e always had a bit of a fear of rejection or just not being good enough, and that probably stems from the depression etc… i know i have pretty poor self esteem, but i can’t help it, and i can’t help feeling like people are going to judge me and make fun of me behind my back. I’m fully aware that most people aren’t like that, and that a lot of the people that i find it so hard to talk to are really lovely; I’ve just always got an alarm going off in the back of my head.

I think this year I’m really going to try to dull the alarm as much as possible, I’m going to try to be more open with new people and hopefully i can actually create some friendships with people in my new classes. I’ve already started talking to a girl named Anna in my Geography class, shes really nice and funny; and a girl called Imogen who is in the parallel Geography class, we spent the evening together on a school trip and shes also so lovely. I’m pretty proud of myself as i was terrified about Geography because i don’t have any close friends with me in that lesson.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

P.s. Incase you don’t know who I’m talking about, there is a who’s who page which may help this post make a bit more sense! I try to remember to update it whenever i mention someone new with a little bit of background about that person 🙂

Already drowning

Hello!

So, I’ve been back at school for around 3/4 weeks now, and boy am i longing for the summer holidays already.

Sixth form is exhausting. Iv’e decided to take Biology, Chemistry, Geography and Spanish, and oh my god it is so much work. I’m also doing AS and A2 Spanish in one year with another kid from my class as we both have one Spanish speaking parent, because of this, my timetable looks as though i am taking 5 subjects, so i have basically no free periods. This means i end up having to do the majority of homework and studying when
I’m at home, and this has cut into my horsey time quite dramatically. Hopefully once i get into more of a routine ill get better at balancing everything, but at the moment I’m struggling to much to do everything i need to do.

For both chemistry and biology i always have something i could be doing, this is because my teachers want us to re write all our notes into a revision book, this way we get all the information into our heads twice and its easier when it comes to exam time, but this does mean i literally always have either or both of the subjects to do. We also get an awful lot of homework in Geography. Spanish is the one subject i was vaguely confident in, but to be quite honest, I’m not sure if my Spanish is good enough; there’s so much vocabulary i don’t know, because it’s not the kind of vocabulary people use day to day, in addition i speak South American Spanish where as my A-level is in European Spanish, although they are very similar there are some differences in the tenses which i am finding really really hard, since i do all of the tense stuff more by default, so I’m having to rewire my brain to European Spanish, and its not very fun. My actual Spanish lessons aren’t bad at all since I’ve got Tom (the other Spanish speaker) who is doing the two years in one with me. Luckily we get along well and he’s really nice.

All of my lessons are so much smaller than they used to be, and i really like it. I feel much less anxious to speak up in class, even though i rarely do it, its definitely much less daunting; which is pretty useful since ‘class participation’ plays a part in my final Geography grade! The classes are also much calmer since all the kids in the class actually want to take the subject, so there is much less distraction. On the other hand, in a lot of my subjects i end up feeling like an idiot because everyone in my lessons is so damn clever and i get really easily confused, especially in chemistry. I am 100% sure i am the dumbest person in almost all of my lessons, everyone just seems to know what they are doing and understanding the topic so easily and I’m already getting left behind, only 3 weeks in. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to be able to cope this year, the workload is so intense and I’m already struggling. But I’m not sure if it’s my own fault for putting so much pressure on myself to do well.

I’m worried that A-levels might put me back into a bad mindset and i really don’t want to go backwards. I think i can already feel it happening, I’m so unhappy with myself in so many different aspects and i don’t know what to do about it. I just feel empty again, not all the time, but its coming back. I just wish i was better, prettier, smarter, nicer. I don’t even know.

Sorry this post got pretty negative and sad.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

Sixth form!

Hey!

So i went back to school on Tuesday for my first day of sixth form, it wasn’t too bad since all we did was enroll and confirm our subjects. I waited in the sixth form common room with Butt Crack for an hour and a half, just for our head of sixth form to tell me there was no need for me to wait as she was fine with me doing four subjects at A-level. My school has changed the way A-levels run now, instead of taking 4 subjects for AS and 3 for A2 we are no longer allowed to drop a subject and we sit all our exams at the end of the two years. Because of this, they aren’t too keen on letting people take 4 A-levels as you can’t drop one at the end of the first year. Since i wanted to do 4 (biology, chemistry, geography and Spanish) i had to get it approved, luckily for me i already speak fluent Spanish so I’m technically only doing three and a half A-levels- if that.

On our enrollment day we were given an induction task for each of the subjects that we have chosen to do, we then had Wednesday and Friday off to complete them. On the Thursday we went to an outdoor activity center to do team building activities. In the morning of the Thursday we also found out our form groups for the next two years; I’m pretty happy with my form, although i was really hoping to be with Butt Crack; but i do have Jess who i have been pretty good friends with for a while now, we went to see Ed Sheeran together and are planning on going to the next tour, as well as possibly a music festival next summer. There are also a few other girls and boys that i get along with, luckily there isn’t anyone i have a dislike towards, so it should be a pretty good two years!

To be quite honest the majority of the day was quite boring as my school did the same activity day in year 7 and year 9, so we all knew how to figure out the majority of the puzzles they had set up. The only thing i did actually find really fun was a pole activity, which i have never done before; basically there was a telephone pole height wooden pole with a (very) small wooden platform on top; in groups of four we had to climb the pole and get onto the platform and then hold hands and lean back at the top to balance ourselves as the pole moved a lot. Since I’m the smallest, it was decided i would go last as i would need the least amount of space to get on and stand. Jess went first even though she was really scared, but I’m very proud of her. A girl called Pip went up next, she got super close to the top before she asked to come down as she got really scared, Liv went next and she got to the top really quickly, but since we were only a group of 3 now, one of the boys volunteered to go up before me to be our third person, i have to mention that he has a very ‘rugby player’ type physique so he is very broad and tall. I was the last up, the pole was swaying so much i swear i thought it was going to break, but i made it to the top and with a lot of help from Joe (Rugby player dude) i managed to get onto the platform. We were all grabbing each other for dear life because there was absolutely no room on the platform, we then had to get into a corner each to do the ‘hold hands & lean back’ thing. We sort of managed, before Jess slipped and took Liv with her, because of the sudden movement me and Joe went flying off the other end, because we were all harnessed up and stuff we were all just swinging in the air, this lead to Joe swinging into me as i was being lowered and me accidentally groping his butt to avid getting tangled. Despite being super nervous to begin with, as I’m not really a big fan of heights, it was actually a lot of fun.

We then finished off the day with a classic egg drop competition, which we didn’t do too well in  (R.I.P Eggward), and then the reveal of the winning forms as we had been earning points all day in each of the different activities; my form came 3rd so we were all pretty pleased.

In other news, the song Alarm by Anne-Marie is so good!!!!!!! I’ve never even been cheated on but boy is it a tune. Go listen to it!!!!

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X

A story i purposely forgot to share

Hello!

So as you may know, i went away to Spain on holiday a month or so ago. I did to a post about my holiday, but i mostly focused on my relationship with my brother rather than any events that actually occurred. I’m no to sure why it took me so long to decided to share this with you guys, i guess I’m just quite embarrassed about it. But since i want this blog to be as open and truthful as possible, i have decided i want to tell you; now you guys must be thinking that something crazy went down, honestly don’t get your hopes up, i am a bland and boring person.

Okay so… While in Spain we had our dog with us as we drove, in the area we were staying there was only one beach that allowed you to take dogs on the beach. On one of our first days me and my mum were just chillin on the beach with our dog, i was listening to music and watching the sea; then these two guys started playing some ball game near by, i pretty easily just ignored them and carried on with my life. My mum on the other hand started poking me, so i took my headphone out and she told me that one of the guys kept looking over at me; i obviously brushed it off because I’m not exactly anything amazing to look at. We returned to the same beach for a few days and the same guy just kept appearing all over the damn place.

Around a week later i was going to walk to find a cafe to buy my mum and i a drink, just as i was leaving the beach the guy walked up to me and started talking to me. He was German, 18 and also on holiday, he walked with me up to a cafe which took like 20 minutes or so. His English was really good, while we walked we talked about school and stuff; me being me, i obviously felt suffocatingly awkward. Once we got back to the beach i just went to give my mum her drink, i foolishly assumed the guy would leave me alone as what 18 year old wants to meet some random girls mum; but boy was i wrong, he just followed and struck up a conversation with my mum, i just stood to the side wishing for death. After like half and hour he realized he had to go, he asked for my phone number but i couldn’t remember it, so he asked me to put my name in his phone so he could add me on facebook.

He then messaged me that evening asking if i wanted to go out clubbing with him and his friends, as a 16 year old that absolutely hates crowds (unless its a good ass concert lol), i was pretty much desperate to not go, I managed to worm my way out in the end; but I’m really bad at making excuses and it always makes me feel really guilty to turn down people. He was pretty damn persistent though, so in the end i agreed to go to a beach cafe with him. Once the day came around i went, but he had invited his friend with him, so basically they chatted in German and i just sat awkwardly. I texted my mum on the way back to tell them we were leaving when i got back to the beach. Thankfully my mum came to save the day just as he was trying to convince me to go clubbing again. He then messaged me on facebook again, by this point i just wanted him to leave me alone.

He was a nice guy and i didn’t really mind him talking to me, it was just really awkward for me and i really wanted to enjoy my holiday without having to worry about boys and such. I also don’t appreciate being pressured to go clubbing, obviously he didn’t know about my anxiety and stuff, but still… he could have just respected the word ‘no’ and moved on.

In the end i just had to ignore his messages and delete the conversation on my facebook, because otherwise i would have felt guilty for ignoring him and i would have replied, and probably made the situation even worse for myself. I know this makes me sound really rude and awful, i just didn’t feel much towards him, he was a bit too overbearing for me and I’m not sure why but he just made me feel uncomfortable. After a while he left me alone and me and my mum went out and did other activities for a few day to avoid going back to the same beach. After that i only saw him once, but i don’t think he saw me. It still made me feel really guilty though, i really hope i didn’t offend him.

I think I’m just not good at letting new people in, it makes me feel… cornered? I think that’s the best word for it. I don’t like to say no to people as i hate myself if i offend or upset anyone, and because of this i feel like i can’t escape from these kinds of situations. I still feel like a really horrible person for cutting him off like it did, but i keep trying to remind myself that we only spoke a few times so it probably want a very big deal for him.

I think at the moment i have a bit too much going on in my head to deal with new relationships, but at the same time i feel like, with the right person i would be able to sort myself out enough. But personally i find it so much easier to let myself have feelings for people if I’ve known them for a long time. Like with Bob for example (Features in this post), when he asked me out it was too soon for me, i felt something for him at the time, but i just wasn’t enough. Now a days me and Bob are good friends and I’m much more comfortable around him. However because of this i feel like its going to be quite a while before i get into a relationship, i guess in a way i need to ‘friend zone’ a guy for a while, so i can un-muddle my thoughts and sort my emotions out, before i can handle things getting more serious.

Anyway it was nice to get this off of my chest, i think i really needed to talk about this, its been making me feel really guilty for a while now, hopefully now that its out in the open i can start to move on.

Thank you for reading!

The small quiet one X